Yes, Prime Minister

- Alan, it's really a very reasonable plan. - Tell that to the Chief of Defence Staff.

- Why is he late? Not very soldierly. - It's this plan. The Ministry's in turmoil.

It's a relocation proposal, not a Russian invasion.

Be all right if it was. We know what we could do to repel that.

- Could you repel it? - No.

- But we don't have to do any thinking about it. - Let's look at this from the PM's point of view.

We have 420,000 service personnel.

Only 20,000 are stationed in the north. Almost everything's in the south.

Navy at Portsmouth, Air Force in Bedford and the Army in Aldershot.

Almost nothing north of The Wash where the unemployment is.

- Servicemen come from the north. - But spend in the south.

Inevitable. That's where they are now.

Anyway, there's nothing to spend it on in the north, is there?

- Chief of Defence Staff. - This cannot happen...

Don't attack me, I'm on your side, but it is a strong argument.

Move 200,000 or 300,000 service personnel up north and you create masses of civilian jobs.

Clerks, suppliers, builders, vehicle maintenance.

300,000 extra pay packets spent in the shops.

You can't move thousands of men like that.

- I thought that's what you did with armies. - You bring 'em back! This'd be permanent.

Guy, can any servicemen be stationed permanently in the north?

I suppose other ranks, junior officers,

but you can't ask senior officers to live permanently in the north!

The wives wouldn't stand for it for one thing. Children's schools.

I understand there are schools in the north of England.

What about Harrods? What about Wimbledon? Ascot? Henley? The Army and Navy Club?

I mean civilisation, generally! It's just not on!

This is being discussed in Cabinet.

We need more serious arguments than senior officers' wives being 300 miles from Harrods.

What's more serious?! Chaps like us might have to move up there!

But are there any strategic arguments against the move?

- We can find those against anything. - But would they stand up to expert scrutiny?

They won't get expert scrutiny. We'll make it top secret like we always do with defence.

- Prime Minister only. - Then they certainly won't get expert scrutiny.

But I wonder whether we might not do better to play the man instead of the ball.

- Which man? - The Employment Secretary.

- This was his suggestion. - Ah, yes.

Suggest to the PM the Employment Secretary is plotting against him.

- Is he? - Not as far as I know.

But the question is whether the Prime Minister can be made to believe that he is.

Any chance of getting rid of him?

- The PM? He's only just house-trained. - The Employment Secretary.

Field Marshal, are you suggesting

humble civil servants should presume to remove a member of HM Government from Cabinet?

- Yes. - Out of the question.

Only the Prime Minister can remove ministers,

but if the Prime Minister came to suspect the loyalty of a member of his Cabinet...

Only someone with advanced paranoia would suspect the Employment Secretary of a plot.

Really? Then we're in with a chance.

Other business. Employment Secretary, you wanted views on your paper.

Yes, my plan to reduce unemployment in the northeast

by moving various defence establishments up there.

Defence Secretary, what's your view?

I know, on the face of it,

this plan looks as though it benefits employment in depressed areas,

but this is to be achieved, as I understand it, by relocating most defence establishments.

This affects the Defence Department as well as Employment.

- I need time to do a feasibility study. - Anybody else have an opinion? Quickly.

I don't know much about it, but it does sound a serious upheaval.

- Expensive. - A big move.

I'm in favour of the proposal.

- So am I. - Absolutely!

Looks as though the Defence Secretary is in a minority of one.

I am the responsible minister. The defence of the realm is in question.

We'll have a full discussion at our next meeting on Friday

and then put it to Cabinet for approval.

Thank you. May I request that it be noted in the minutes

that the Cabinet Committee was in favour of my plan save for one member?

The member whose department would be reorganised. It's a problem.

May I remind the Secretary of State for Defence that every problem is also an opportunity?

Hear hear!

The Secretary of State for Defence fears that this may create some insoluble opportunities.

Nonsense.

- Er, Prime Minister... - Oh, still here, Humphrey?

Yes. I wonder if I could have a word with you about the Employment Secretary's plan.

- Yes, terrific, isn't it? - The service chiefs aren't entirely happy.

Good.

- Do I have your full attention? - Of course you do.

- I'm just reading these notes. - Mm-hm.

Prime Minister, there's been an earthquake in Haslemere.

Good.

- What? - The service chiefs don't like this plan.

Taking their wives away from Wimbledon and Harrods!

Prime Minister, that is unworthy. Their personal feelings don't come into it.

- Their objections are entirely strategic. - Oh, strategic, of course.

The Admiralty needs a deep-water port so that has to be at Bath, 30 miles inland.

The job of the Marines is to defend Norway, so we station them at Plymouth.

Army vehicle trials take place in Scotland, so the engineering establishment has to be in Surrey.

Well, these are just isolated examples.

I've got another 700 isolated examples.

- Why are you against it, Humphrey? - I assure you I'm not against it.

I'm simply furnishing you with the appropriate questions - like that of cost.

That's the beauty of it - it makes money.

We sell all these expensive properties in the south and move "up north"!

You think the Employment Secretary has done well?

- Indeed I do. He's a good chap. - Oh, I quite agree.

Absolutely brilliant.

Superb intellect.

Strong footwork, excellent elbows. A major figure, without a doubt.

- He's not that good. - But he is a good chap, wouldn't you say?

- I've just said so. - Oh, yes, indeed. Very popular.

- Is he? - Oh, yes!

- Not as popular as that, surely? - Oh, yes.

- In Whitehall and with the parliamentary party. - I suppose, yes.

- And with the grass roots, I'm told. - Are you?

- And he has quite a following in Cabinet, too. - Does he?

People are beginning to talk about him as the next Prime Minister.

- What... What do you mean? - Oh, I mean when you decide to retire.

I'm not going to retire! I've only just got here! Why are people talking about the next PM?

I'm sure it's just general speculation.

- Does he want to be Prime Minister? - Well, even if he does...

...surely you've got no reason to suspect his loyalty?

He isn't planning to build up a personal following, is he?

Isn't he?

- Is he? - Spends a hell of a lot of time making speeches.

Only as a loyal minister. I'm sure he pays tributes to you in them, doesn't he?

Does he? Bernard, get me his last six speeches.

Er, yes, I'm just getting them, Prime Minister.

He chats up back benchers in the tea room.

You told ministers to take more trouble to communicate.

- And he has them round to dinner parties. - Oh, does he?

- Worrying. - The Employment Secretary's speeches.

I'm sure he talked about the new PM bringing new hope to Britain, the dawn of a new age.

You know, that leaflet you told Party HQ to issue to all MPs and constituencies.

- No, not a word. - Oh, now that IS odd.

It's more than odd, it's suspicious. Bloody suspicious!

Even so, he surely isn't actively plotting against you.

- Isn't he? - Is he?

- How do I know he's not? - I'm sure you can always find out.

- Get me the Chief Whip. - Yes, Prime Minister. Get me the Chief Whip.

- Now! - Now! Oh, hello, Chief Whip.

Are you at No.12? The PM wants to see you urgently.

- Now! - Now! Thank you.

- Sir Humphrey. - Yes?

- I'm troubled by what I've learned. - What?

I feel I've had my eyes shut. I never realised there was a plot against the Prime Minister.

Is there? How interesting.

- But you said there was. - I said nothing, nothing at all.

You mean... Oh.

- Do you know if there is a plot? - No.

- No, there isn't? Or, no, you don't know? - Yes.

What exactly has the Employment Secretary done?

- Nothing yet, and we must keep it that way. - But isn't his plan a good one?

- For whom? - The country.

- That is hardly the point. - Why not?

Bernard, when you move on from here, where do you plan to go?

Well, I... er... I... I don't know.

- Like to be in charge of defence procurement? - Oh, gosh...

- In Sunderland or Berwick or Lossiemouth? - Is that a place?

- Lossiemouth? What'd you think it was? - A dog food.

If the Employment Secretary has his way, you may get a diet of Lossiemouth.

- See? - Yes.

- How can it be good for the country? - It can't.

Why will the Chief Whip confirm a plot that doesn't exist?

He's bound to hedge. The Chief Whip cannot state that there's no plot just in case there is.

- He has to cover himself. Good morning. - Could you wait in the private office?

Bernard... now go in there and inform me of their conversation.

I'm not sure I can. It might be confidential.

Bernard, the matter at issue is the defence of the realm and the stability of the government.

You only need to know things on a need-to-know basis.

I need to know everything!

How else can I judge whether or not I need to know it?

So you need to know things even when you don't need to know them?

You need to know them because you need to know whether or not you need to know.

If you don't need to know, you need to know so you know there was no need to know.

- Yes! - Good. That's very clear.

Chief Whip, Prime Minister.

Morning, Prime Minister.

- How are things going, Chief Whip? - Oh, quite well, really. Why?

- You've noticed nothing? - Well, it's a difficult time.

Bit of unrest on the back benches...

What... did you have in mind precisely?

A plot. A leadership challenge?

Ah. Yes...

Well, actually, I have no real evidence of anything.

- But you have suspicions? - Oh, I always have suspicions.

- How far has it got? - Oh, only a very... um... very... um...

- Early stage? - Early stage. As far as one can tell.

Should you have a word with him?

I don't want to lose him from the Cabinet. I... just want him under control.

Perhaps you should have a word with him yourself.

No, no, no, no. No, not at this stage. Who else is involved?

Apart from...

- Apart from Dudley, obviously. - Dudley?

Yes, of course, apart from Dudley. Well, apart from Dudley...

Well, it's... um... It's a bit early to say. There may be nothing in it.

- I'm not taking any risks. - No, absolutely not!

I'll go and make a few more enquiries.

Dudley?

Yes.

I presume the PM's in favour of the scheme because it'll reduce unemployment.

It'll look as if he's reducing unemployment.

Or look as if he's TRYING to reduce it.

Whereas he's only trying to look as if he's trying to reduce unemployment.

Because he's worried that it doesn't LOOK as if he's trying to look as if he's trying to reduce it.

- So how are you going to stop it? - Well, Arnold, the Prime Minis...

The PM has come to suspect

the plan may be the start of a leadership bid by the Employment Secretary.

How ridiculous, but the higher the office, the higher the level of paranoia.

Fortunately, yes, but paranoia needs something to feed on.