God Friended Me

New York City. Center of the universe.

Home to 8.6 million people.

A diverse melting pot of culture.

Everyone searching for meaning and answers.

I thought I had it all figured out.

But then, something happened,

and it changed my life forever.

There is no proof of God anywhere in the universe.

We will debate that and more on today's episode

of "The Millennial Prophet."

I am your host, Miles Finer,

reminding you that there is no God, and that is okay.

My guest today is an old NYU friend,

one of my favorite people.

Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the podcast

Rabbi Zoe Schwartz.

Thank you so much for having me, Miles.

But per usual, you're misinformed.

There is proof of God in the Torah.

The miracles of Sinai, for instance.

You grew up in the church.

You know this better than anyone.

Yes, it's true, my father's a reverend.

We got the whole Luke/Vader dynamic going on.

But be honest,

if I told you that God sent me a message

in the form a burning bush,

you would think I was insane.

- Not necessarily. - Oh, come on, Zoe.

- What? - I understand that

it is comforting to believe

that there is someone watching over us,

but there is no external force

that's going to reach out and solve our problems.

- What happened to you, Miles? - Nothing.

I just want to help people

take responsibility for their own lives.

I think we would all be better off if we did.

Hi, Eric. It's Miles Finer

I was just calling to see if you had an opportunity

to listen to my podcast.

I think it would be perfect for Sirius.

Um, you have my phone number, and my email.

So... yeah.

All right, bye.

_

- What? - _

- _ - Miles.

Matcha latte.

Hey, man, I checked out your podcast, bro.

It's dope. You making a living doing that?

Yeah, yeah.

I got a ton of listeners, you know?

Advertising dollars are really rolling in.

I feel like I'm making a difference.

And when is the last time

you saw your credit card, Mr. Johnson?

Well, the only way I can track it is if they use it.

Yes, it does have a chip.

What am I good for?

Um...

You know, I've been asking myself that

a lot actually, lately.

Um, I th...

Hello? Hello?

Do you know how many people are on the planet, Miles?

- Uh... - Roughly 7 billion, okay?

You know what the chances are

of finding that one right person for you?

Your mom set you up on another date?

Yeah, she's obsessed, man.

She's trying to find me a soul mate again.

I'm like, hello, there's no such thing,

and she doesn't care, she just like

"You have a karmic destiny, Rakesh.

You're to marry an Indian girl."

I'm like, why can't you just let me be miserable

on a dating app like everyone else?

Yo, Eric from Sirius just emailed me!

Amazing! Who's that?

He's the guy that runs that podcast channel.

I sent him my show, and, apparently, he dug it,

and he wants me to submit a presentation

by Friday to see where it's headed.

Miles, you're about to blow up.

Mm-hmm.

You think you'll get to meet Howard Stern?

Probably not.

Congrats on the podcast, big bro.

I know you're not down with the message,

but your support means everything.

- Mm, that's good to know. - Mm?

'Cause I want you to do me a favor.

- Yeah, anything. - Anything?

- Yeah, what's up? - I want you to come to Dad's

- 25th at the church this Sunday. - Anything but that.

The two of you haven't spoken in months.

Come on, this is the perfect opportunity

for you two to start talking again.

Why do I have to take the first step?

If Dad wanted me there, he would have invited me.

Of course Dad wants you there.

You know every Sunday after church,

- he goes to St. Nicholas park. - So he goes to play chess.

He goes there because that's where

the two of you used to play.

Look, Miles, what is it going to take

to bring the two of you back together?

Look, sis, I have to get home

and finish this presentation.

- Thanks for the beer. - Anytime.

_

Holy.

Hey! Damn kids.

You come around here again, I'll call the police!

_

_

_

Who's John Dove?

- Stacy, wait, please! - Whoa!

- I am so sorry. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Stacy, hold on. Hey, hey, hey, wait.

Wait, just give me one more chance.

- Just talk to me. - You've changed, John.

I'm sorry, it's over.

Hey, John Dove!

Hey!

Hey, hey, somebody stop that guy!

Whoa, what the hell, man?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I think you just saved my life.

Thank you.

_

Yeah, oh, no, Miles, hey.

That guy was not going to jump.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is all just some elaborate hoax.

That's what it is.

Yeah, yeah.

Nice try.

Oh, come on.

_

Yo, who the hell is Cara Bloom?

- Cara. - Uh, hey.

In my office, now.

Do you see the hotboard?

You used to have the top trending stories

- on our site every week. - Yeah, yeah, I know.

And I'll get back there, I promise.

I don't want promises, I want articles.

You haven't written one in six weeks.

I'm just working through a rough patch.

You know, it took Hemingway ten years

- to write his second novel. - Is that true?

I think.

Look, I don't know what's going on with you lately,

but I can't cut you any more slack.

I want a story by the end of the week.

And it goes without saying,

this is one of those "or else" situations.

Let me get this straight, okay?

You're being catfished by someone

calling themselves God on Facebook.

Yes, and I need your hacker skills

- to get me their IP address. - Bro, keep your voice...

how many times I got to tell you I'm not a hacker?

Okay, I'm a video game enthusiast.

Plus, you said it yourself, it's just a prank.

- So focus on your presentation. - I will, but first,

I've got to figure out who's behind this.

Why?

So they're trolling you. Let it go.

I believe everything in life can be explained.

That there is no God, and there is someone out there

who is going through a whole lot of trouble

to prove me wrong. I can't let that go.

Okay, you really think someone paid this Dove guy

to pretend to jump in front of that train?

Yes, what other explanation is there?

It's like "The Game."

Oh, great flick. Early Fincher.

Okay, what do you know?

Okay, I looked into John Dove's Facebook account.

It's a ghost town. My only lead?

Cara Bloom.

Okay, what do you know about her?

Come see for yourself.

She went to Ohio State, writes for "Catapult,"

- and runs marathons. - Cute and accomplished, bro!

Why can't I ever match with someone like her?

- This isn't Tinder, Rakesh. - You mean Bumble, bro.

Nobody uses Tinder anymore.

- _ - Look, she just checked in to SoulCycle.

I'm going to go down there,

and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

That's a bad idea, Miles.

What are you going to tell her? God sent you?

I can't feel my legs, but my ass looks great.

- So, fair trade. - Yeah, it does.