Kautuk Srivastava : Anatomy Of Awkward

It's an Amazon special, it deserves more than that.

Come on!

Alright!

The show is called Anatomy of Awkward.

I'm an awkward,

slightly socially awkward person.

Now I realize there is a little bit of

irony in that statement,

okay, because I am also a stand-up comedian.

I do this for a living.

Night after night,

I talk to random strangers

but I'm also awkward.

But I’ll tell you how it works,

I can do one to many.

One to many,

no problem.

Done.

Problem is when it's one to one.

Just breaks down.

I can't do it.

I researched it,

there's an actual term for this.

There's a clinical, psychological term for this,

you guys must have heard it,

it's called the Tendulkar Syndrome.

You know what it is, right?

Professionally,

Sachin Tendulkar is super confident.

He is so confident

that he can stand in the middle of the pitch

and do...

A billion people are watching,

and this guy is doing...

Friends and family!

"Aila!"

But he can do it,

he can do this

and still play and score.

It's amazing.

But have you seen Sachin personally?

He's so awkward,

so awkward.

I saw this one picture of Sachin,

he's with his family.

There's a picture in the newspaper,

Sachin with his family.

He is the only guy who looks like he doesn't belong

in his own family.

In his own family.

His wife and kids are standing

together.

Sachin is standing to the side,

looking at them.

In his head he's going

"Mine!”

“They are all mine.”

I saw a picture of Sachin

in the paper,

he was sitting in his Ferrari.

The only guy who owns a Ferrari

and can't believe it.

He can't believe it.

He is sitting in like this.

“Mine.”

“This too.”

It's amazing, that's who I am.

Professionally, can do this,

personally, not so much.

I want to be a confident guy.

I want to be that

guy at the bar.

Do you know the guy at the bar?

That guy, dude.

That suave guy.

That guy with his tuxedo and his bowtie,

just sitting at the bar.

He's just sitting,

and then across the bar

he sees a beautiful woman.

She's also sitting

and he sees her,

and he goes,

"Waiter.”

"Get her a drink."

And the waiter immediately gets her a drink.

He doesn't ask questions.

He doesn't go “Which one?”

"Shall I add it to your tab?"

He doesn't, he knows.

This is the guy, he knows.

So he makes the drink and he

gives it to the girl.

The girl sees the drink and she's like,

"Oh my God, a drink!"

"Who sent this?"

And the waiter says

"That guy."

And then she looks

and he's just sitting there.

Smoldering.

I don't know what smolder is.

He's smoldering.

She sees him,

and she instantly goes

sploosh!

Sploosh!

She looks at him,

"Oh my God!"

and he's looking back.

He picks up his glass and he does...

Then he puts his glass down.

Takes out his hotel keys

and throws it at her,

and it hits her in the face,

but she doesn't care.

She's like "Oh my God, he's a violent guy."

"I like that."

"51 Shades of Grey."

"Yeah."

And then they go home together,

or wherever.

Wherever they make out.

It could never work out with me.

I would land up at the bar and the

bouncer would go like,

"Stag entry not allowed."

I'd be like "Okay!"

I want to be that guy I'm not.

I'm a super awkward guy.

I'll tell you what my life is like,

My life is like a missed high-five.

It's like I went "Hey life!"

And life just left me hanging.

Here's the thing,

have you ever been in a situation where

you're in a taxi,

and the guy is driving a little too fast.

A little too much.

You want to ask him to slow down a little.

Just a little slower please.

I want to tell him this,

but I can't,

because it would be too awkward.

So in my head I'm like, "This is how I die."

Death is better than asking him to slow down.

I can't do it.

I was on a plane once.

I've got the emergency exit seat,

the best seat on the plane.

I'm sitting there and enjoying my leg space,

it's amazing.

And then the air hostess comes to me and says,

"Sir, in case of an emergency"

"will you pull the hatch?"

"I don’t know,"

"because sometimes I push doors"

"that say pull."

"Anything can happen."

"We'll find out."

I hate it.

I'll tell you what I hate the most.

Out of all the things in the world,

the thing I hate the most

is this thing called the party.

I hate parties.

Here's the thing.

Firstly, we don't make plans.

The social people make plans.

Awkward people don't make plans.

Awkward people call other awkward people

to not make plans.

We're calling each other up, going

"Let's not meet today?"

"Cool."

"Superb, don't see you later."

But those social people.

"Hey, it's my friend's dog's birthday, do you want to come?"

"He's turning 2."

"You'll like him."

We can't say no

because that's awkward.

So we're like "Yes, sure..."

Then you regret all your life decisions

that led to this point.

"Why did my parents have sex?"

"Why am I here?"

So we go for the party and it sucks

because here's the thing.

The beginning of every party

starts with this thing called the handshake.

Yuck!

The handshake.

The handshake used to be fine,

it used to be this thing

where you just gave your hand,

they took your hand,

and you shook it.

Then people became cool.

Have you seen those cool people handshakes?