Crowded

Hey, honey. What's up?

I'm on with The Gooch.

Oh, I love The Gooch!

Give me a Pearl Jam trivia question. I...

You're... you're talking to Seattle's number one Pearl Jam fan.

If you don't believe me, ask any one of the four message boards I moderate.

Mike, I lost your rake. Can I borrow another one?

He's on with The Gooch!

Ooh, I love The Gooch. I love it when he says, "You got Gooched," eh?

Shh, shh, shh. Name two ex-Pearl Jam drummers.

How about four? Ah, Dave Krusen, Matt Chamberlain,

Dave Abbruzzese, Jack Irons. Slam!

- I won? I won! I'm going to Pearl Jam! - Oh!

That's awesome.

Yeah, I'm in a room full of people.

He wants me to turn the radio up.

So, caller, are you happy?

- Ecstatic. - That's great.

Well, it would be great if this weren't The Prank of the Week!

We don't really have Pearl Jam tickets.

You just got Gooched.

Ha-hah! That's what I was talking about.

Well, it's official.

There is no God.

What's wrong with Dad? Did someone die?

In a way, yes.

He just lost out on Pearl Jam Tickets.

Oh, I can get you those.

Stella, you better not be joking, and that goes for all of you.

Do not with me right now.

I'm serious, Dad.

My new boyfriend, Hashtag, he's the drummer of Riptide,

They're the band that's opening for Pearl Jam.

There is a God, and He rocks.

That is awesome. Can you get another ticket for Shea?

Can't it be just a you and me thing?

It could be a Daddy-Stella date like when I was little.

You know what? We'll fly there in my chopper

just like we did in the old days.

Ah! I love you, Stella.

I love all of you right now.

Dad...

have your eyes always been so blue?

They're green, but thank you.

Good morning, all.

Shea, are you wearing the same thing you wore last night?

I am. And we all know what that indicates.

Oh, my God. You're doing the walk of shame. That's my thing.

Is it a walk of shame if I'm proud of it? I think not.

All I can think of now is when can I text him?

Or should I wait for him to text me?

What's the proper postcoital protocol?

You know what? No biggie. Whatever.

Somebody tell me what to do.

Do not text him.

- You'll look desperate. - They're right.

You need a distraction.

You should come to my poker game. It's just me and a few other guards.

Thanks, Grandma.

Well, while you hens are clucking over the cards, I'll be at the gun range.

I gotta stay sharp in case they call me back in for one last case.

Oh, would that be the case of the delusional old man?

You know, I used to shoot when I was a kid.

Going out back with my Pa.

Target practice with cans and bottles.

The rusted out El Camino,

the other rusted out El Camino.

I didn't know you could shoot.

Once shot a possum without even slowing the tractor down.

I love when Mom gets all "Duck Dynasty."

Hey, why don't I come with you, Bob?

Ah, I like to shoot alone, Martina.

Yeah, I understand.

I mean, what guy likes being shown up by a woman?

Passive aggressive challenge, eh?

Accepted.

All right, I found my favorite Pearl Jam T-shirt, socks, boxer shorts...

Where is my Ten Club hoodie?

Ah, it's in the drawer next to your Pearl Jammies.

How could jammies that rock so hard...

be so soft?

Look, honey, I know you're excited about the show, but the thing is...

Don't finish that sentence, Martina.

I know that whatever you're about to say

is somehow going to ruin my enjoyment of this concert.

But I have to say it.

- Resist. - But it's important.

Fight it. Fight it!

I Googled Stella's boyfriend, Hashtag, just to see what he looked like,

and there was a link to a blog,

and it's all very hush-hush so the fans won't know,

but Hashtag's married.

Ugh! You and that Google! Geez.

You think Stella knows?

No. I'm sure she doesn't.

I mean, Stella does a lot of bad things,

but I don't think she would want to ruin a marriage.

We have to tell her.

All right, in situations like this,

I like to ask myself: W.W.E.V.D?

What would Eddie Vedder do?

Any chance he'd sit down with his daughter and open a dialogue?

No, he'd grab his ax and head off to East Java with surf god Laird Hamilton;

drop in on some major tubular action.

And how does that help us?

It doesn't. It's just fun to think about.

Mike, come back.

Okay, fine. You know what? I'm gonna tell her.

She'll break up with Hashtag, and I won't go to the concert.

And it's the right thing to do, and we'll all be happy.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take a sad nap in my Pearl Jammies.

So, you spent last night with him, and he still hasn't texted you?

- No. - Called you?

- No. - Sent flowers?

Flowers? Guys don't send flowers

after the first time you sleep with them.

They do if you're doing it right.

Oh, I did it right.

I'm pretty sure.

I'm sure you did, sweetie.

Your breadstick body can be just as much fun as a real woman's.

Shea, the bottom line is you can't text him first.

Yeah, I hear what you're saying, but what if I really, really want to?

So, you just came in here to get permission to text this guy?

Shea, nobody's gonna tell you to do that. It's a bad idea.

You got to play the game.

Oh, Grandma, Nate's not like other guys. He said he doesn't want to play games.

Oh, honey, that's a classic first move in the game.

That's like the traditional kickoff of the game.

That's what someone who's good at playing the game says about the game.

- Mmm. - Or, he just meant what he said.

I think this is the first time you and I

have gone out and done stuff, just the two of us.

You're not gonna narrate like this the whole time, are you?

So, your old man taught you to shoot?

Oh, so now you want to talk?

Mine was about guns, not about our relationship.

Yeah. My dad taught me.

He also taught me how to clean a fish,

dress a deer, and open a beer with my teeth.

Only time we got along was when we did stuff like that.

Maybe he wanted a boy.

Well, who knows what he wanted. He was an angry old cuss.

Wow. You stink.

Well, you threw me off.

A good shot doesn't get thrown off that easily.

Uh, let me show you how it's done.

With that stance? Heh-heh-heh. Your center of gravity is way off.

My center of gravity is fine.

Yeah, maybe thirty pounds ago it was.

Son of a bitch. Look what you made me do.

I thought you said a good shot doesn't get thrown off.

Your cackling would throw off the American Sniper.

You know, I'm beginning to see why we don't hang out.

I didn't want you to come to my range in the first place.

Well, I know when I'm not wanted.

I just said you're not wanted.

That's how I know, dumb-ass.

Eddie, Laird,

we respected those waves, and they respected us. Cheers.

Laird, could you grab that? You're closer.

Fine, I'll grab it.

- Hello? - I want to kill your father.

Take a number.

Your number is two.

The balls on that guy to insult me while I'm holding a gun.

Why are you laughing?

I'm sorry. I know you're upset. But, ah, I love hearing you trash him.

Hey, how did Stella take the Hashtag news?

Well, here's the thing now.

Ah... you know how you're always saying that we got to let the girls

make their own mistakes like adults.

Well, you know, I've decided that you're right, because, ah, if I meddle,

Uh, I may jeopardize Stella's independence.

And your Pearl Jam tickets.

Hadn't thought about that.

W.W.E.V.D.

What would Eddie Vedder do if his daughter was in the same situation?

He would take her to the Mike concert.

Hm, no?

All right, fine. Look, I will, ah, I'll talk to her.

I will talk to her right now.

Ready for Daddy-Stella Date 2016?

Yes, but first we have to talk about something.

Wait, what is that shirt you're wearing?

Shea made this for me

when we went to go see Pearl Jam in 2002.

See? It's pearl plus jam.

Good old Shea.

She may be the good one, but did she ever get you...

uh-front, uh-row, uh-seats?

Front row seats? Oh, God.

Oh, Stella, you're killing me.

Look, there's something that, ah, I wanted to tell you

after the concert, but I... I have to do it now.

Sweetie, hurting you is the last thing that I would ever want to do, but, um...

Hashtag's married.

I know.

You do?

You know that you're dating a married man, and you are fine with that?