Crowded

From the moment your kids are born,

you dread the fact that one day they'll leave you.

And then they do.

And it's just as bad as you thought it'd be.

I just want you to remember you're special.

And you'll always be my little girl.

Two forms of birth control.

And men, are like basketball players,

- they dribble before they shoot. - Martina!

It's reality, Mike.

That's how we ended up with this one.

Bye, guys. I'll miss you.

Oh, I'll miss you too.

- Bye, Dad. - Love you, kid.

Love you.

Well, at least now we know what it's like.

The next one will be easier.

What are you looking at?

It's just us now, we're alone!

Wow.

The empty nest.

We're gonna die in this house.

I need alcohol.

It is only 10 A.M.

Well, on the other hand, we don't have to drive anybody anywhere.

Or cook anyone dinner,

or set a good frickin' example.

Hey, we don't have to say "frickin'" anymore!

I can swear all I want.

Drink when I want.

Have sex when we want.

Have sex when we want.

There's a reason I said that twice.

This could be good.

This could be really good.

_

Finally getting rid of the playroom.

Turn it into a media room.

Big-ass plasma,

we'll have an old-timey pop-corn machine,

one of those big chairs

with the cup-holders. I'll be just like a Hollywood douchebag.

Hey.

- I got a new Would You Rather. - Oh yeah?

OK.

Would you rather...

have sex with Kate Upton ten minutes after she's dead, or,

have sex with a live

90-year-old.

I've never loved you more than I do at this moment.

So sick,

yet, so perfectly balanced.

Thank you.

Kate Upton.

This is the perfect way to celebrate writing our last tuition check,

and your dad and stepmother finally moving to Florida.

The last piece to the freedom puzzle.

Look what I found!

That's pot! Our kids were doing drugs?

Mike?

- Martina? - It's your parents!

Hide the pot!

Wow.

I just felt so young.

- Bob? - What?

- They're in the playroom! - What?

The playroom!

They're fine.

Alice, again, the key that we made for you and Dad was for emergencies.

We knocked on the door, and you didn't answer.

It could have been an emergency.

Why didn't you just ring the bell?

Ring the bell?

Oh, child, please, we're family.

Family doesn't ring the bell.

Oh, hey, Pop.

Oh, good, you're finally cleaning this room.

You didn't have all these toys when you were a kid.

I know.

You spoiled those girls.

You know, when Mike was young,

I taught him how to do military sheet corners.

He couldn't go out to play until I could bounce

a coin off his tidily made bed.

I still get a little tense when I see a quarter.

We tried to help with Stella and Shea.

Yes, you were here all the time.

Well, we're headed to the store.

We'll bring you back some donuts.

Alice, we don't eat donuts.

And you know I'm gluten-free.

Oh, that nonsense.

That's why you so skinny.

I don't think I'm too skinny.

You can't see your own skinny.

It's like smelling your own breath.

You need someone else to tell you that it's bad.

Mike, I'll pick you up some breath mints.

When are you gonna stand up to them?

Well, I've always said "soon".

But now that they're moving,

I can give the truthful answer:

never.

So what are we gonna do with this?

***

Deep.

*** about smoking pot when you're older?

They don't get paranoid.

It's the cops!

Oh, thank God, you're home!

- Stella? - Brace yourselves.

I left Justin.

I thought he was my soul mate, and now,

we don't even hate the same Kardashians.

We had this big fight, and he's dead to me.

Is he dead to everyone, did you kill him?

Answer your father!

What is wrong with you guys?

Nothing. I could really use a pizza, but go on.

Ok.

Well, I'm here because I'm not getting any acting jobs,

and my YouTube videos don't get enough hits.

And some of those comments, are so mean.

This one guy wrote,

"you're a waste of human skin, you hot-skank mess."

I mean the "hot" was sweet.

But the rest...

being an adult is hard.

Plus I miss you guys, so...

- I was wondering... - Hello, all.

Forgive the surprise.

Shea? What are you doing here?

- I'm moving back home. - What?

But I told you I was coming here today to move back home.

What?

Yes, but I reasoned that the cumulative impact

on them would be reduced

if it were simultaneous rather than staggered.

Ew. Shea, you don't just break into someone's scene.

We're not in a movie, Stella.

This is the real world.

A world where thanks to this country's hatred of science,

the funding for my job has been eliminated.

So, like 23.8% of people between the ages of

22 and 31,

I've determined the most logical course of action in this economy,

is to move back in with my parents.

And because of the broad number of young people doing this,

there's no longer the social stigma attached.

Though, it pains me to admit I care about such things.

Is she done? I can never tell when she's done.

I'm the one who should move back in.

Mom and Dad are like my best friends.

They're my only friends!

Girls, girls, don't fight.

You're equally disappointing both of us.

- Hello? We hear voices in there. - Oh, boy.

It's Grandma!

Are you girls here for our anniversary dinner?

- Oh, no. I'm moving back home today. - So am I.

Oh, well, we certainly can't move to Florida now!

It looks like you need us again.

Who wants donuts?

They're back!

They're all back!

It's a nightmare.

It's a disaster!

Oh, god, we can't say anymore.

- Where are you going? - Where there's donuts.

Hey. You got a passenger.

Real slacker type.

Sounds like my daughter's boyfriend.

It is my daughter's boyfriend.

Oh, that knock.

Come in, Justin.

Hey.

Hey. Here's how you knock.

It's not...

Why?

Because we as a society have decided that's how you knock.

What are you doing here?

I miss Stella.

I was hoping you'd help me get her back.

Look, Justin,

no man thinks any guys is good enough for his little girl.

And then I met you,

and please don't take this the wrong way,

but I thought,

he's not even close.

I mean, do you even have a job?

I have something better than a job.

And idea for an app.

Everybody's with the app.

Man, it's awesome.

But figuring out how to actually make it,

super hard.

Look, that's the problem with people your age,

once it gets hard, you quit. You gotta stick with things.

I like that. Could you text that to me?

Get out.