The Starter Marriage

Trijah.

My heaven-sent princess.

Would you make me

the happiest man in the world

by marrying me?

Oh, Trenton.

I declare, I don't know what to say!

Did you hear what I said?

Trijah.

Trijah!

Cut!

Trijah, darling.

You still don't know your lines.

Opening night is three days away.

I know, I'm sorry.

Whenever Trenton looks up to my eyes

I just get all flustery.

That's because he's giving his all to the role.

Just like Brando did when I worked

with him on Broadway.

You worked with Marlon Brando?

Ew, heavens no, that charlatan.

Brando Horowitz, at the On Broadway Truck Stop Cafe

in the Appallachian Mountains.

Mmm.

Everyone, take five.

I'm sorry.

Visiting Trijah world again?

Hey, I likr Trijah world.

We're both married and our kids were the president

and vice president.

Yeah?

No?

Hey, Pete-o!

You're late, Marko, again.

Work?

Hard work never killed anybody,

but I'm not taking any chances.

Sorry, sorry, I...

Had to work late.

Even on Saturday.

What did I miss?

Well, his divorce is final today.

And his philosophy on how marriage

was invented by a mad scientist in a government lab

whose sole purpose is to drive men insane.

Sounds like a classic.

Mark, Mark, meet my friend over there.

Hi.

Anything else?

Well, my husband hasn't said anything stupid enough yet

to get him a room at Hotel Le Couch, so...

Stay tuned.

We haven't reached halftime yet.

So how you doing, buddy?

I still love Vicky.

Mm-mm.

You were too good for her.

Yes, man.

No, no, I wasn't.

I'm a fricking douche rod.

She was an angel, man.

No.

She burned your car.

- Mm. - Right.

And slept with your business partner.

Yeah.

She did that so she could become a better lover for me.

He does not believe it.

She told you that?

Yeah, every time I caught them together.

Dude, didn't she get you fired

from your own business?

Hey Mark.

Hmm?

Where's Amanda?

I think she was trying to kill me.

Hi, Amanda.

Hey, I forgot to tell you earlier

that I won't be able to make our date tonight.

What, are you afraid?

No, no, not afraid.

Bungee spelunking could be fun.

But you missed our last date.

Yes, yes, I remember, I missed our last date too, but...

You're just scared.

No, no, not scared.

But seriously, what kind of a zoo allows people

to do yoga with bears?

Modern progressive zoos do.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Mark.

How many times did y'all go out?

Four times, including the blind date

- that I wasn't able to make. - Mmm, that's too bad 'cause

date four, that's the sex date.

Oh!

No, no, no, I'm pretty sure it's the fifth.

Oh, he's cute.

Key of E flat.

Yay! That was so good!

It's okay.

Sometimes you kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.

That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

You don't go to a toad ranch searching for a hippo, jeez.

Go back to your book, okay?

Tara, there are other eels in the sea.

You're taking this awfully well.

Wait, did you win this time?

I guessed six weeks on the money, uh huh.

Yes, but I won the last three times before that.

This is my life.

Hey.

You'll find the right person someday, okay?

And you'll be happily married just like us.

And your sister, your brother, Aunt Breezsha, Cousin Mokita.

Cousin Mokita.

And then you can move out of my house

so I can turn the basement into my man cave.

We don't even have a basement.

Oh, hush father.

Pay him no mind, okay?

You can stay here as long as you pay your share

of the rent on time.

Every time I think about getting married,

a picture of your wedding day pops in my head.

Yeah, and?

And then I think, I'm never getting married.

Whatever.

If I was in charge of the department of getting married,

I would make everyone have to get a marriage permit

in order to get a marriage license.

Like a permit to drive a car?

Exactly.

Everyone would have to do

like 8700 hours worth of practicing to be married

in order to take the marriage test

and then get your marriage license.

Yeah, there you go.

Come on buddy.

Yeah, yeah, go straight, go straight.

And I'll back you in, go straight, yeah.

Yeah don't forget the shoes.

That way.

Ooh!

So how's he doing?

Passed out like a baby

in Vicky's laced panties.

She told me he did that.

Wish someone would have told me.

Well, if you need anything, call Luke.

I'm going to bed.

See you Friday night for charades?

I don't know if I'll be able to make it.

I'll see you Friday night, seven sharp for charades.

- I'll try to- - I'll see you

Friday night, seven p.m. sharp for charades.

Friday, seven sharp, I'll be there.

Good.

Kay, bye.

Say bye, Luke.

Bye, Luke.

I didn't say "say 'Bye Luke'",

I said "say 'Bye', Luke".

Bye, Mark.

It's baloney.

I fried it.

Thank you.

Bye, comma, Erika.

We'll cut our rates by 40 percent

if you buy advertising with us.

Well, just give us a chance to...

Hello?

Hello?

Dammit.

They went with Kong Radio over us.

I should have stuck with the Hawaiian

country folk format.

It's lit.

I was sure Gavin Beers would buy advertising with us.

It makes sense, we have more listeners.

Water under the toaster, we can't run

unless we make horrific mistakes like you just did.

You know what we should do?

Put ecoli in the Gavin Beers

and when K.O.N.G. drops them,

charge advertising at triple the price?

No.

We should go after their number one competitor.

Logan Microbrews.

Oh, my Steely Dan, you're so right.

Make the call.

Two steps ahead of you, boss.

No, you're not, you're sitting down.

Hey, Patricia.

Is my dad here?

You know my name is Eileen.

Why do you keep doing this?

I'm sorry, it's just that your name

is so similar to my dad's fifth wife.

Patricia, Patricia, Eileen.