Veep

Please don't make me go to work today. I'll fake my own death.

You don't have the cheekbones for depression. What's the matter?

- The workload, the spotlight. - Mmm-hmm.

Getting hammered on the families first bill.

People hate that thing.

Yeah, it's falling apart like a punched wedding cake.

And the president wants me to start getting the media calling it the "meyer bill,"

but they've decided to call it the "mommy meyer bill."

- My job is impossible. - Mmm-hmm.

Take this fork, stab me right here in the carotid.

You are the most influential Mike person

in the world.

The president won her first debate thanks to you.

Guess what? There's two more. And the next one's foreign policy.

That's basically a quiz on the entire world.

- How do I prep for that? - Listen to me.

You're gonna shake it off, all right?

Stiff upper lip. Put on a happy face.

And have the best day of your life.

Thank you for the pep talk.

I'll see you... oh, shit. Happy birthday.

I'm sorry I didn't have time to get you anything.

I'm gonna try after work.

Love you.

I live on a regular street in real america

with real trees and real cars.

- Selina: We do have real cars on my street. - Ah... wait for it.

I'm not sure what a fake car would be exactly.

Bam!

I should be president, or something.

If he doesn't drink in the morning, he will now.

Oh, god, you know what I should have brought up?

That rumor about o'brien's daughter blowing all those hockey players in college.

Well... that would have been a mistake.

Huge mistake. It was lacrosse players.

Ma'am, your dinner guests

- are confirmed for tonight. - Oh!

- Your relaxing evening is locked in. - Goodie. I cannot wait.

I'm getting the old gang back together.

Back in the '90s, us ladies totally owned Annapolis. We really did.

Gang? Did you all have tattoos?

No, it's just a bunch of lawyers from my old firm, you know?

How did you get into this gang?

Did you have to kill a guy?

You could pardon yourself now.

You know, actually, as women, we really did get it done.

Plus, we had tits and ass.

So, we had the whole thing going for us, really.

There's been a shooting in Pittsburgh. Four dead including the gunman.

Well, that's fucking not good.

We pray for the families.

Yeah, and that they don't demand more gun control.

It says here the gunman was an ex-marine.

Two sides of the coin. It's very sad.

Hey, sue, get Mike to draft a statement.

- He's got a "thoughts and prayers" template. - Right away, ma'am.

Should we keep watching me?

- Tom: Yeah? - Sure, sure.

See, when I left the white house, I never thought I'd be lobbying for concrete.

- Great, isn't it? - Mmm.

Oh, by the way, I set us up with two brunches and a lunch for tomorrow.

Oh, god, I already have two breakfast meetings tomorrow.

If I keep going at this rate, I'm gonna have gout of the mouth.

Uh, ladies, you are going to be our sale bait.

Um, by sale bait, you mean...

Independent, well-educated young women like you

who also happen to be very hot to lure congressmen into the room

in a way that is deeply feminist.

We then introduce our client,

who makes a sale in a way that's deeply capitalist.

I'm not expected to do anything with anyone, am I?

This is lobbying. This is a respectable profession.

Um, do me a favor. Go see Linda over there.

She has some slightly tighter blouses that you can choose from.

- So, you two ready to go hard for concrete? - Yeah.

Hey, why are there so many security

and military people on the list at this concrete event?

Are we at war with Clay?

Amy, what does the military buy a lot of?

Oh, I know this. It's candy.

Cute. It's concrete, okay?

So, we bring the military guys along,

they talk congress into stumping up money for a Mexican border wall made of concrete.

Circle of life.

Serving several of our clients' agendas all at once.

- God, I love this. - Yeah, I know. Me, too.

It's so slutty, isn't it?

This place is like a porn shoot with bunting.

God, kill me now.

Good morning. Good morning.

Reporters: Morning!

Okay, let's get this party started.

Uh, the mommy meyer bill. Is it doomed?

First off, it's not the mommy meyer bill.

It is the families first... No, it's the meyer bill.

And it's about as doomed as my donut habit.

- Shall we talk about families first, please? - Selina: Yeah.

Tom: I'm afraid it's getting crucified on the hill.

Just like that Jesus guy.

Well, it's my big bill.

You think I'm gonna say it doesn't fit and put it up on craigslist, or something?

O'brien just said, "if families first is passed,

"the whole concept of family will come to an end."

Well, that's the dream, certainly,

but I'm not sure we'll achieve it in this generation.

I don't care if o'brien hates it. It's for the people and they love it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except no. - I'm sorry?

I hate to be the i'm-in-touch-with-the-normal-guy guy,

but I am that guy,

and they want to pay for their families and not other people's.

That's not helpful to...

- What? What's going on? - Man: Back away from the president.

- Holy shit. - Ma'am, there's an intruder.

- Oh. - We need you to remain here.

What? I mean, okay. I mean, what?

I had not anticipated this. This I had not anticipated.

Well, that sounds like the world's worst Dr. Seuss book.

Flexible hours benefit everyone.

This is a common sense piece of...

Intruder. Everyone stay calm. Stay exactly where you are.

Okay, lockdown. Nobody move and nobody gets hurt.

Shouldn't we be on an elevator to a secret bunker by now?

There is no elevator or bunker.

Why isn't there an elevator to a secret bunker?

Jesus Christ, bill, you're shaking like a dog shitting a peach pit.

Selina: I actually think I should have a gun.

I'm not making a joke. I really would like to have a gun.

Okay, what about us? Is there a panic room, or something?

Gary, every room you're in is a panic room.

We need to find a safer room.

Man: I'm gonna kill Tom James and that bitch!

The intruder! Right there!

Oh, my god, shit got real! Shit got real! Shit got real!

- Calm down. What are you doing? - It's a weapon!

What are you going to do with a clock? Tell him he's late?

- That's the all-clear, ma'am. - Really?

- Tom: Well... - Wow! Okay.

- Thank you, gentlemen. - Bill: Okay,

if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go breathe.

- Yeah, did you hear all that shouting? - I did.

What was he saying? Did you hear what he was saying?

Who cares what he said? The guy's nutso-Bismol.

- What was he saying? - What...

He said, uh, "let me up. I want to kill Tom James and that bitch."

He comes here to kill me and he doesn't even know my name?

- He may have been talking about Kent. - Thank you.

I've got to take a gigantic whiz.

Man, this siege stuff goes straight to my bladder.

It's like if dogs could talk.

Okay, senator, I am going to set up your town hall meeting.

- I'll see you there. - Oh, good. More adrenaline.

God almighty.

- Wow. - How are you doing?

I cannot believe that somebody came here to kill me.

And you.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

Still, you know, you've got good people around you.

- Yeah. - Holy hell!

- I saw him! The guy. - You did?

I was face-to-face with him and I was like, "back off, man. Don't mess with this."

- Really? - I have got so much adrenaline in me.

- Selina: I know... - It's like I've got to do something.

- Can you get me a coffee? - Yeah. Yeah.

- An Irish coffee. - Yeah!

Do you want something?

- I'm good. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- He's been with me a long time. - Has he?

- Yeah. Yeah. - I see.

Hey, Kim. Hi, where are you?

Can we make sure that the flags are symmetrical to the backdrop?

It looks a little bit off.

That shirt really compliments your figure, by the way.

Just a nice little compliment for you.

I'm loving this. This is great.

- Yeah, we're killing this. Hey, lighting. - Man: What?

Hi, how's it going? Can we bring these down just a little bit?

Okay, I think that's a little bit too much drama.

So, maybe we just bring those back up just a little bit.

That looks great. Yeah, Mark that.

Man: That's exactly how it was, dumb-ass!

Okay, well, we don't need that kind of language, but thank you.

One, two, three, four.

Hit me with the plosives.

Bring back my pig.

- I'm happy with that. - Yeah, that sounds great.

I don't want to pat myself on the back,

but this is a great idea on my part.

You know, getting out of the office, going on the campaign trail.

Yeah, help you forget about being molested.

That's loud. I'm sorry.

Yeah, well... well, no. It's just that everybody thinks we're awesome here.

I mean, we're west wing. We're like gods.

Mr. Ryan, did you get my sashimi?

No, sir, I will get it right now.

It needs to be at room temperature, othennise it just tastes of cold.

Yes.

Sa-shi-mi.

- Are you hearing this? - Sushi.

Listen to the "shu's" and the "mi's."

Wait a minute. What are we laughing at here?