Orange Justice

Don't move!

Don't move!

Show me your hands. Show them to me!

I'll blow your freaking head off.

Don't believe me? Test me!

Test me!

What the hell was that?

What? What are you talking about?

That's my intimidating to get the guy to comply voice.

"Test me, test me,"

and you're spitting everywhere.

You got the crazy eyes.

You sound like a deranged lunatic.

- Yeah, yeah, I want the guy to think I'm crazy.

You know, like a loose cannon.

You know, that's how Ali beat Liston. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, Ali convinced Liston that Ali was crazy.

It's a well-known fact

that tough guys are afraid of crazy people.

- That's stupid. I'll show you how it's done.

It's not worth it, pal.

Why don't you do yourself a favor and drop the gun?

And we'll all walk out of here nice and easy.

Did you wink at the guy?

Maybe.

And what's with the whisper?

Are you here to arrest him or to turn him on?

Because quite frankly, you're turning me on. No, no, no.

I mean, are you here to kiss him or to cuff him?

I'm trying to show I'm in control.

Like the strong silent type. Like Clint Eastwood.

- Clint Eastwood? Clint Eastwood's sexy and alluring.

Uh, I'm sexy and alluring.

That was my nickname in high school, "Sexy and Alluring."

- You sure it wasn't "Crying and Bedwetting?"

- Hey, hey, what are you two guys still doing here?

We're holding jobs, get on patrol!

- You know what? Last week we forgot about it.

Before we do anything else, beginning of our tour,

we need to buy lottery tickets.

It's like 400 million tonight. I don't wanna miss it.

- Yeah, I'm kind of tired of playing the lottery.

What?

You never win.

You're tired? Tired?

Are you tired of possibly buying mansions?

Are you tired of possibly buying yachts?

Are you tired of having fresh-baked pies brought

to you by beautiful women?

That's what you do with the money?

Yeah, that's right.

I'm not ashamed of fresh-baked pies

and my love of fresh-baked pies.

Matter of fact, I would get fresh-baked pies brought

to me by beautiful women wearing aprons that say,

"I love to bake pie".

I love pies so much I would get a pie-shaped swimming pool

just to piss you off and you couldn't swim in it.

Okay, first off, that's a circle.

Okay, a lot of swimming pools are circles, okay?

But that's just a piece of 400 million dollars

and that's all you're gonna put it into is pies?

- No, no, no, I mean, I'd buy stores or something.

You know what?

Those lingerie shops make a lot of money.

I'd buy Victoria's Secrets.

- Oh, you know what? I always tell you this.

It's not Victoria's Secrets. It's Victoria's Secret.

There's only one secret. It's not multiple secrets.

Well, I would travel too.

Like to where?

- Well, I would go someplace exotic. Like Rome or Italy.

- Yeah, that's the same place. That's the same place.

- Good! I'm saving money, they're in the same spot.

That's fantastic. Wait, forget about me.

What would you do, big shot, with your half?

I have a plan.

Yeah, what's your plan?

- I would buy a circus and bring it back to prominence.

- You see, that's the difference between you and me, Murphy.

I think things through. I use my brain.

You don't think things through.

You have any idea what it's like to run a circus?

I don't know, what's the problem?

- What's the problem? Elephant poop is this big.

You gotta clean that up. It's the size of bowling balls.

Plus, what if you get into a fight with a clown?

Now you gotta fire a clown. They're spooky people, you know?

I don't trust those clowns.

- I wouldn't just be on the management side.

I'd be part of the show. I'd be talent.

- What talent? What talent do you got in the circus?

I'd be like a lion tamer or something.

- Please! Need I remind you, you're allergic to cats?

- So I'd take an allergy pill and then I'd go every night.

You know, it's fine.

Cats don't like you.

Are you crazy? Cats love me!

No, they don't.

- Find a cat right now, I'll make it do something.

Find a cat right now!

Oh, I got a text.

One of our CIs has some information for us.

"Meet me at the regular spot."

- Why don't you get in the car, punk! Taylor, cuff him.

Toss him too. He's probably got a weapon on him.

It's punks like you that give the city a bad name.

There's not enough Lysol in all of Midtown

to get your dirty scent off the streets!

You make me sick to my stomach. Ugh!

What the hell was that?

- I am so sorry. I read this book on method acting.

I thought if I really got into it,

I'd make it look more real.

And no one would know

you are a criminal informant working for us.

I might have gone too far.

Oh, you think?

- "It's trash like you that give the city a bad name."

"There isn't enough Lysol in Midtown

to clean the stench off your dirty deeds."

- I told him to stop watching "Hill Street Blues".

Yeah, the reruns still hold up.

- It's just hurtful. Informants have feelings too.

Nah, for real though, I appreciate the ride, fellas.

Ah, come on man, you're a good guy.

You're just a hardworking stiff tired

of seeing crime in his neighborhood.

- Yeah, I mean, we wish there were more people like you.

It's very courageous what you're doing.

Besides, we don't look at you as an informant.

I mean, you're actually a friend.

- Thanks, man. You know, y'all are all right.

Y'all are all right.

- Oh, oh, oh. All right? - Just all right?

Just all right?

- You're not just all right. You're "aight."

- We're pouring our hearts out here, giving you compliments.

We go from here to here with just aight?

You know, we're here hugging and kissing.

Now you're getting all fresh.

Jesus, it is a compliment.

This is good soothing music.

Tell you what though. Nobody beats the best, good old Bing.

Bing Crosby?

Bing Crosby, my friend. That's right.

Oh, I used to love his crooner voice.

Me too, me too.

What?

What?

What do you mean, "What?"

You made a sound when we said we love Bing Crosby.

You made a sound and you rolled your eyes.

No I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

I didn't do any of that.

You did. We said we loved Bing Crosby.

You made a sound and you rolled your eyes.

I didn't.

You so did.

Yeah, you did. I heard it too.

See, see.

Yeah, you did, I heard you.

You made a, it was a slight phlegmy sound like you

were clearing your throat 'cause you got hair in your mouth.

Like, "Ugh, ugh."

It was even harsher than that.

Like, he was licking sand off the floor.

Like.

- Okay none of that happened, you know, besides,

why don't you stay out of it?

You're just an informant getting a ride.

Oh, a minute ago I'm a friend.

Now, I'm just an informant getting a ride.

Okay, I'll be honest. I'm not a fan.

Why not?

First off, okay. His name is Bing.

He's a grown man. His name's Bing.

That's the way they did it in them days.

They went out to Hollywood. They gave him a nickname.

You know, Bing, he's, you know.

Besides, the guy, he's a legend.

He's an American iclone.

Wait, what?

What the hell is an iclone?

You know an clone?

You mean icon?

That's what I said, icon.

You said, "iclone."

No, I think I said icon.

You said, "iclone."

- I think I said icon. I think I know what I said.

Yeah, you said, "iclone."

- Whose side are you on anyway? You know what?

Why don't you just sit back there

and stick to ratting people out?

- You know what? I should have took an Uber.

- You know, besides, I heard he used to beat his kids.

What?

- Not only that, he did it with a bag of oranges