Mike & Molly

Previously on Mike & Molly: I'm going out with Molly.

Really? Why am I just hearing about this?

Oh, I'm sorry. Haven't you

been following my Facebook page?

- I live alone. - Mhmm.

I like to spend time with my friends.

Just a sec.

Ow!

Sorry.

This nose hair was driving me crazy!

Mike: She yanked a hair out of my nose,

started a fight with the waiter,

and then passed out on the crapper.

I'm sorry. I guess you're never gonna see her again.

Are you kidding?

I'm gonna marry that girl.

Oh, this is Molly; She's a friend of mine.

Hi. I'm Molly...

Mike's friend.

I was hoping to lose a little weight first,

so you'd be turned on by me.

How much weight are you talking about?

I don't know, 160 pounds.

I don't know if you've noticed this,

but I'm not exactly perfect.

You are to me.

Would you come inside and tell me what you're so upset about?

Oh, you'd love for me to come inside, wouldn't you?

Maybe hang my coat up in your closet full of skeletons!

So you met Kyle. Look, I'm sorry

I didn't tell you about him,

but it was a long time ago.

You were going to stand at an altar

and promised to be with him forever.

I can't even get you to join Costco with me!

Mike, I can't accept this. Why not?

It's our first Christmas,

and I wanted to give you something special.

Absolutely not. This is way too expensive.

I don't care. I want you to have it.

But I don't want it.

Yes, you do. No, I don't.

Hey, I love you,

and you can't put a price on love!

Wait a second.

You love me?

Absolutely. We got a good thing here.

We don't need to ruin it by talking about marriage.

Well, I don't think we'd ruin it.

Mike: I love you, Molly.

I also want you to know

that I'm really happy with what we've got.

Absolutely, and there's no reason to rush into anything

until we're both sure we're ready.

It would appear I'm ready.

Shut up. Shut up!

Whew. Really?

Molly Flynn, will you marry me?

Is that a yes?

Ye-yes.

I can't believe it's actually mine.

That's because it's not.

But it will be after 48 easy monthly payments. (Giggling)

It might have been cheaper to buy you an engagement car.

I love you, Mike.

I love you, Mrs. Biggs.

Oh, that's sweet.

But about that...

Would you be terribly hurt if I didn't take your last name?

What? I just think it's better

for me professionally to keep my last name.

Professionally? You're a teacher.

Just go to the chalkboard,

erase "Ms. Flynn" and write "Mrs. Biggs."

Really?

I'm rubenesque, I teach fourth graders,

you want me to go in there with the last name "Biggs"?

Yeah, fourth graders are a pretty hateful bunch.

I remember how much we tortured poor old "Mr. Jahboner."

"Jahboner"?

You gotta be kidding me.

Nope. And he taught wood shop.

Well, you live by the sword, you die by the sword.

So you're okay with me keeping my name?

Yeah, that's fine.

Mrs. Biggs reminds me of my mother anyway,

and that's a real jahboner killer.

Thank you.

So, are we thinking about a church wedding or...?

Actually, I was thinking:

Does your bra unhook in the front or the back?

On the other hand,

having an outdoor ceremony could be really beautiful.

Maybe Lincoln park.

Spring time, the flowers are gorgeous.

Sure.

So, it's settled.

Spring time, Lincoln park.

Great.

: Ah...

But if we want to have an indoor reception, we've got to

you know, set up a banquet hall at least a year in advance.

Great, then we got plenty of time.

Okay... then we're talking a year from now?

Yeah. We'll start ironing out the details a year from now.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Roll up your tongue.

Are you... are you saying that we're not gonna get married

for at least two years?

No, I'm not saying that.

What are you saying?

I'm trying not to say anything.

Look, the important thing is,

you have a ring on your finger that says,

"I'm marrying the man of my dreams."

And the bra is off!

See, I told you you could do it.

I don't have to switch to velcro.

That was a nice shindig last night.

Yeah. I can't believe my little girl's getting married.

Me, too. I thought she was a lesbian when I first met her.

Morning.

Morning, buttercup.

Where's your bigger half?

He left for work.

So, how was your first night as an engaged woman?

Hmm? It's different now, right?

I know when Vince proposed to me,

we connected on a whole new level.

That was a God-given stiffy that night, too.

No pills. Just pure adrenaline.

You get that she's my mother, right?

Which reminds me,

if you need someone to walk you down the aisle,

I would be honored.

No, 'tis I, the lesbian, that would be honored.

I told you your voice carries.

When Mike and I set a date,

I will definitely consider your offer.

Try to avoid the summer.

We Morantos are a sweaty people,

and I don't want my hair paint to run.

Yeah, and for me, try to avoid the winter months.

When my little girl gets married,

I want to wear something low- cut, show off my "bouncy cs."

Like a mother does.

We're not even talking specifics yet.

Don't let him drag the engagement out.

Guys will take a free meal as long as they can get it.

And by "free meal," I mean copulation.

It's gonna be a long walk down that aisle.

Man, I can't get over it.

My best friend is getting married. Yep.

Wasn't but a year ago, you were whining and crying

about how lonely you were. Yep.

Sitting in your sad, little apartment all weekend,

one hand down a bag of Doritos, the other one down your pants.

Yeah, well, those were some dark days. Dark?

You, sir, are an inspiration

to overweight masturbators everywhere.

You know what, why don't you save the rest

for your best man speech.

So it's official, I'm your best man?

And that is the real tragedy of my life.

I'm honored.

So, is it safe to assume

that you won't be goin' fishin' with us this weekend?

Why wouldn't I go?

You're engaged now.

You can't just be doing what you want

and making your own decisions and stuff.

Excuse me, but my life is still very much my own.

I can come and go as I please.

Mike Flynn is his own man.

Mike Flynn?

Biggs, I said "Biggs."

Everybody heard "Biggs." Shut up.

Sounded like "Flynn" from over here.

It's a slip of the tongue.

The point is, I'm goin' fishin'.

Hey, Samuel, you want to come?

We got a big tent and plenty of sleeping bags.

Thank you, but that's the same pitch

they used to get me into a refugee camp in Africa.

Come on, you have a few beers,

tell some stories, you know, bond as men.

That's the same pitch they used

to get me to the gay tent in the refugee camp.

Fool me once.

All I'm saying is, if we're gonna have any shot

at booking a nice place, we need to start looking now.

Okay.

Wait. What are we looking for?

A place to have our wedding.

Sure. We're gonna need that.

Yeah, otherwise we're gonna end up getting married

in your mother's backyard

and having the reception at the sizzler.

Sizzler?

Is that a real option?