Veep

Selina: As a former president, I'm proud to lend my stature

to this crucially important moment.

And it's just an honor for me to be here as an official observer

of Georgia's first free and open election.

And, in fact, the spreading of democracy is one of the cornerstones of my foundation.

It is?

- So, thank you very much and mad... - Madloba.

- Mad-lab-blah. - Thank you so much. Thank you very much.

- Madloba. - Jesus.

Democracy. What a horror show this is.

- I didn't even know Georgia was a country. - Where'd our guide go?

Oh, hey, petradze.

Do you have any water that doesn't come from a nuclear power plant, by any chance?

- Vodka. - Okay, sure, fine. Vodka...

Excuse me, it would be a great honor

to introduce my daughter to the president of usa.

Hello. One day you can grow up to be president.

No, not you. Your brother.

Unbelievable.

- Can we do picture? - No.

Oh, it's okay. I don't have camera.

Selina: Well, I'll tell you something.

All of this international shit is gonna be great for my book.

This is my second act.

Selina meyer travels the globe, spreading democracy

like patient zero, right, petradze?

- Yes? - Oh, boy.

This place sucks my ghost nard.

Why couldn't you have gotten me

on an international election watching trip to Hawaii?

Hawaii is rightfully a monarchy and will be again.

Look, did you read the codel schedule of official events

or were there not enough pictures for you?

Ooh. Sex trafficking workshop.

It's an anti-sex trafficking workshop.

- Lame. - Okay, that's enough for now.

I need a drink.

It's gotta be 8:00 am. Somewhere.

Checking in. Mike mclintock.

You don't have a reservation in this hotel.

Richard, I don't have a reservation.

Well, you were a last minute addition to the trip,

so it's possible that we didn't make one. Richard splett.

- Oh! Hello, boys. - Madam president.

Look at us, just like the good, old days.

Except shittier in every conceivable way.

Hey, hey, gang's all here.

Maybe we can win an election for a change.

- That came out wrong. - Yeah, way wrong, right?

80, secretary Doyle has picked you for elder statesman duty?

- Jailbait statesman. - It's fine. It's okay.

Doyle picked me because...

So he's got a goat to scape if things go wrong.

- Yeah, yeah. - They need political cover.

Night and fog.

Yeah, I haven't missed that.

- Secretary of state Doyle for you, ma'am. - Oh, all right.

- Secretary Doyle? - Woman: Please hold for secretary Doyle.

Okay, no. I don't get put on hold, okay?

When he comes on, he gets put on hold.

Kent, would you book a massage for me, but, you know,

the one where the girl at the end... Oh, fuck me.

Congressman Ryan.

I haven't spoken to you since the historic house vote.

- Yes. - I just wanted to

thank you for all that you've done for me.

And I wanna let you know

that I will destroy you

in ways that are so creative,

they will honor me for it at the Kennedy center.

Richard: Please hold for president meyer.

You're putting me on hold. Actually, do you think you could not?

I'm here, I'm here. Andrew?

- Woman: Please hold for secretary Doyle. - God damn it.

He who hath betrayed me standeth before me now.

Hello, congressman Ryan. It's been a while.

I am gonna find ways to destroy you so hard

that everybody at the Kennedy center is gonna take a fucking massive shit.

It's really nice to see you.

So, I assume you're gonna beg for your job back.

It's a very kind offer, but I already have a betterjob

working for president meyer. I thought you knew that.

Okay, you know what, I don't need you.

I already have 434 brand-new best friends and we're all going to dinner tonight.

And you're not invited. Sorry. Congressmen only.

Have fun.

What's up, fellas?

How you doing? Hey, you wanna go monitor some dinner?

I hear that horse is legal to eat here.

Uh, I'm actually prettyjet-lagged. Probably gonna just catch up on some sleep.

Let me know if you guys do go out, okay?

I got a Georgian sim card. Got text forwarding.

I'll hear from you? All right, later.

Buddy: I was suffering from dehydration and exhaustion.

That's not the buddy Calhoun I see in the mirror.

Although, it would be if you stepped out of the shower.

- Now, Ms. Brookheimer. - Mmm.

You're not only buddy Calhoun's campaign manager, but you're also his fiancee.

And congratulations on that, by the way.

Thank you, Danny.

Now, wouldn't you concede that when your fiance exposed himself

to a policewoman that he hurt his chances of becoming elected?

- I've seen the video, of course... - Dan: You have?

Can we roll that video one more time for our audience?

And I try not to think of the politics of it all. But...

And here's the moment where he exposes himself.

Yes. Everyone... yeah, that's...

But for myself,

I'm happiest when buddy and I are on the couch...

Can we play that again?

Eating popcorn and watching downton Abbey.

In the interest of full disclosure,

Ms. Brookheimer and I did have a brief relationship

when she was a much younger woman.

- You did? - Thank you to you both.

- We'll be right back. - Man: We're clear.

Ames, who's your favorite character on downton?

I don't know.

- Abby, I guess. - Yep.

Woman: President meyer's still holding on line two.

Selina. So, murman was a brutal bastard who ruled with an iron fist

he liked to insert in the anus of his opponents.

But when it came to the us viewpoint, at least he was a good listener.

Yeah, and he did a beautiful rendition of rendition.

- I don't have a hotel room. - Exactly.

But it's time for a change, so we're backing professor Nikolai genidze.

He's a new voice for democracy in the region and would be a

major victory for the Doyle doctrine.

You have a doctrine now?

What is it? "Boners are rare, don't waste them"?

Hey, did you think of that while you were walking on the beach

with a metal detector or however you fill your empty days?

- That's nice. Listen. - Look, just

sit back, take your lead from the UN special envoy for election monitoring.

What? Who is that?

- Selina. - Oh, fuck.

Minna.

- You look absolutely radiant. - Oh, thank you.

Yes, your stay in the insane asylum, it's really agreed with you.

It was a spa.

No, no, a spa is where you go to get a massage and the like.

You were in an insane asylum.

Oh, it's been fun to see you.

I have such a big day tomorrow because I have an election to supervise.

I know, because I am supervising your supervising.

- We have so much to say to each other. - Well...

- I look forward to it. See you later. - Okay, okay. Goodbye.

Oh, god...

Hey, ma'am, we have a situation with your hotel room.

What is it?

Your bidet is splashy and there's no terrycloth robe or shower cap.

Wait, you tested my bidet?

Don't worry, I'm gonna fix this before tub time.

- I don't care. - I'm on it.

Hey.

- Hey, Kent. - Sorry, Mike, you cannot stay with me.

Please don't make me make up a reason.

Listen to me. I went to find a hotel room, right?

Nobody speaks English here, everything was really confusing to me,

and I was chased by children.

And I think I may have voted.

Mike, that is the kind of voting irregularity that we are here to prevent.

That sounds bad. Look, please, can you help me get it off?

Unless you want the entire thumb removed with a utility blade,

I suggest you find another person.

Mom, I told you, I get more homesick when you call.

Hi, what do you have that's like spaghettios?

Man: And I said, "it's in my carry-on."

You know what, forget it. I'm not hungry.

Oh, crap.

Mike, now's not a good time. I'm laying out her shoes, Mike.

You have to help me.

I accidentally voted and now my thumb is green.

The same thing happened to me!

- Oh, my god! - How did it happen?

Oh, my god. I went out to get a terrycloth robe and there was this crowd

and I asked them where nordstrom's was

and then the next thing I knew, they dyed my thumb

and an old lady who smelled like cumin wouldn't stop hugging me.

- Mine smelled like paprika. - Oh, god.

We cannot let anyone see this.

I can't afford to lose this job, Gary, but I can't afford to keep it either.

I mean, it's so expensive to commute from DC.

- And I haven't been paid yet. - Oh, Mike.

- But I don't wanna lose it, I think. - Yeah. Uh-huh.

- Hey, Gary, can I sleep on your couch? - No.

- Hard no? - It's a hard no.

Hey, ma'am. Get some food before everyone else.

Okay, I never, ever wanna see the inside of your mouth again.

Okay? It looks like a Haitian porta-potty in there.

- Copy that. - Okay. I just saw it again.

- Copy. - Guys.

I find this kind of food display really repulsive.

Just a spoonful of this caviar will pay for a wind turbine for a whole village.

Yeah, but do we really want these people to have electricity?

Minna: Professor Nikolai genidze, he's Georgia's only hope

for escape this cycle of corruption and decadence.

Jesus, you and Doyle really have a wide-on for this guy.

You know that the moment that he announced that he was running for the presidency,

murman tried to poison him in a Sushi restaurant.