The Conners

Man: ...the worldwide blow-molded plastics market is expanding

at a rate we haven't seen since the '60s.

Our projection... What's up with all the crypt keepers?

Robin's gonna present some of my ideas

to the Wellman Board of Directors,

and she said I could watch.

It's nice the old white guys

still have a place to hang out and Patriarch.

Hey, Robin's talking.

I am very happy to report

that production at the Lanford plant is up 20%.

Our team has come up with some very exciting ideas.

I am all about giving credit where credit is due,

so, Darlene Conner,

why don't you hop on and tell the board yourself?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's what you get for having ideas, Bride of Frankensuck.

Um, this is quite unexpected.

Thank you so very much, Robin.

Um, just give me a couple minutes to gather my notes,

and I'll be right back.

Oh, my God, I'm literally wearing sweats.

Relax.

They'll be too distracted

by the crushing poverty around you

to notice you're a slob.

We've got two minutes.

I've got to change, and we got to build a new house.

Emergency, everybody!

We have to find someplace in the house

that makes me look less poor.

Mark decorated his room so it almost looks middle class.

The fireplace. Rich people have those.

Oh, and books on the mantelpiece will make you look smart.

Hey, I need those. I'm studying.

Marry rich. It's less work.

I can't believe Dad nailed this singing fish to the wall.

How do you get this thing to shut off?

It's motion activated. Just stop punching it.

That's a nice sweater.

Hey, what the hell?!

Your mom is pretending to have ideas.

She needs a costume.

Now, everybody, get out.

Too low.

Okay, you're gonna crush this.

And in three, two...

Hello, everyone.

I've never addressed a board before.

You caught me a little off guard.

Uh, I'm just at our lake house.

But I haven't forgotten my roots.

And my time on the line gave me insight

into how to make workers more productive.

I, um, asked my people what they thought

we could do better to motivate them.

Um, and they said small things,

like a gift card for coffee

or a...

like, a pinball machine in the break room.

Are you okay?

My last thing that I'm gonna impart on you

is show the line workers that you care.

And -- And like my fish says,

tell your employees not to worry and be happy.

I-I got to go. Back to you, Robin.

Darlene, what's going on?

I don't know. I don't know.

I can't breathe.

And my heart's pounding like it's coming out of my chest.

I feel dizzy.

I think I'm having a heart attack.

I'm calling 911.

No, no, no, don't. We can't afford an ambulance.

You're gonna have to drive me to the hospital.

My license expired, and I haven't renewed it.

Can youdrive?

Oh, oh, right, right, you're dying.

I'll drive.

-Captions by VITAC--

We've been watching this same show for five minutes,

and the story's not going anywhere.

I think it's an infomercial.

Really?

You thought Chuck Norris working out was a show?

Hey, I don't need the attitude.

I'm as strong as that guy.

I could whip you.

No way. I was a cop.

What, did you carry the criminals to jail?

You want to go?

Let's go.

I hope you didn't need that arm, 'cause I'm taking it.

Ready? Go.

I know I should be surprised, but I'm not.

You guys know where Darlene is?

No. Damn it.

Got to find her. I need to talk to her.

I have a big problem.

Help Ben with his problem on three?

Okay.

One, two...

So what's the problem?

Oh, I just told my mom I'd run my dad's hardware store.

I don't know how to run a hardware store.

I've never even worked retail.

There's got to be somebody who can help you.

Well, my only shot is this guy, Mac,

who retired from the store not too long ago.

Oh, oh, yeah, Mac.

He used to help me and my dad

when we went to your dad's store.

Oh, yeah? Great guy.

But I think he's still dead.

Oh, I'm screwed.

[ Smacks counter, slams drawer ]

What the hell?

So...how was your day?

I got fired off a job.

What?

Contractor called me a liability.

Oh, my God, what happened?

Nothing.

Some jackass in a forklift

wasn't paying attention and almost backed over me.

Aren't they supposed to beep when you back up?

Oh, yeah, has to be on all heavy machinery.

I had one on my big rig back in the day.

I used to say, "If you hear me a-beepin',

you better be a-leapin'.

I didn't hear it 'cause it's a damn construction site.

They got circular saws, hammer drills.

Dan, I told you, you need to get your hearing checked.

I didn't hear you say that.

And so what if they find out my hearing's shot?

Hearing aids are like 5 grand.

Oh, you need a hearing aid?

Ben is asking if you need a hearing aid!

No, I need a lock on the door you don't have a key to!

Well, there's kind of a weird synchronicity going on here.

Dan, you're gonna be out of work for a couple weeks,

and Ben needs help at the hardware store.

Oh, I really do.

Well, no offense, Ben, but I'm a subcontractor.

I've got my own business.

I'm not gonna throw on an apron

and help old ladies pick out batteries.

Hey, what if it was just for a couple weeks

till I find someone permanent?

Come on, Dan.

You're just gonna sit around the house, drink beer,

and fall asleep in your underwear.

Well, that wasthe plan, yeah.

Well, I guess I could help out.

We're back. Don't worry.

What were we supposed to be worried about?

About me having a heart attack.

What?

It wasn't a heart attack. She just had a panic attack.

Just a panic attack? I thought I was gonna die.

But you didn't.

That's so scary.

Why would you have a panic attack?

I don't know, probably because Robin,

without any prep,

made me pitch my ideas to the entire Board of Directors,

and your stupid fish went off in the middle of it.

Man, that thing just won't quit.

W-What if the big wigs noticed and they think

that I can't handle the pressure of being in management

and then it ruins any chance I have of making more money

or having a better future for my kids?

Darlene, this family --

and I think I can speak for everybody --

never thought for a moment you had a chance.

Yeah, thanks, you guys.

I was getting too down.

You always remind me to keep a sense of humor about myself.

Honey, I'm pretty sure they were serious.

You feeling any better this morning?

Oh, yeah, much.

And Robin said the Board of Directors

did not even notice my little freak out.

But she did feel badly about throwing me in the deep water,

so she gave me a gift certificate for a massage.

Hey, if you'd started foaming at the mouth,

I bet you could've gotten a suite at the Sheraton.

Here, I made you lunch for your first day.

Aww. I am so proud of you.

I know it was hard for you to put the podcast on hold

to take over the store,

but you got my dad there to help you get started,

and you can do anything you put your mind to.

Well, come on, young Dan.

Today is your first day in the magical world

of washers and screws.

I hear there's plungers as far as the eye can see

and the streets are paved with duct tape.

Hey.