Muriel's Wedding

It's mine! It's mine!

Hey, I'm already taken, love.

- Who got it? - Muriel.

Looks like I'm next.

Cheryl. Cheryl!

- I can throw it again. - You can't do that. It went to her.

Muriel, throw it again.

What's the use of you having it, Muriel? No one's ever going to marry you.

You've never even had a boyfriend.

Cheryl's been going with Shane for over six weeks. She's next.

Muriel, don't be selfish.

Keep your stupid bouquet!

Shane and I broke up last night!

Cheryl!

- Cheryl! - Now look what you've done.

- You didn't even buy a new dress. - Yes, I did.

Cheryl! Chook, I won't be a minute.

Cheryl's upset. Cheryl!

There. Now if you put this under your pillow, you'll dream of your future husband.

That's what they say.

We always knew each other. We've been married ten years.

G'day, mate.

G'day, Muriel. That's an eye-catching dress.

You got a minute?

How's your dad? Give him my card.

I want you to tell him that Leo Higgins reckons he's a great man,

the best council president this town's ever had.

- Will you do that for me? - What happened to your nose?

- What? - Nothing.

Sunburn, that's all.

All of you look lovely. Say "sex."

One more.

I can't believe this. What are you doing?

Oh, my God. I can't do this.

- - but we're friends. - Let me into you.

- What? Yeah, but you love Tania too. - I love you.

Don't worry about it.

- Chook. - What?

Shut the door!

Excuse me, sir. Move aside, miss.

- Can you step aside, please? - That's her.

Miss, we'd like to have a word to you about your dress.

- What's wrong with it? - You stole it. I saw you.

Give me your work number and if she can't turn up a receipt, I can call you for a statement.

Ask for Dianne, senior store detective.

- Mind your head, please. - I'm so pleased.

I had the perfect arrest record until I lost her in boyswear.

How'd you know she'd be here?

I didn't. I'm the groom's cousin.

It's as good as approved. Well, no, it's not.

But it will be. Porpoise Spit council backs me a hundred percent.

Penelope! Do that somewhere else, will you?

Ask your mum to make a cup of tea!

Mum, make Dad a cup of tea.

Mum, make Dad a cup of tea!

- Me too! - What?

Tea. Oh, yes.

- In the air! - He got it! - Look at that!

- Oh, man! - Did you see that? That was unreal!

Right there! What a magnificent catch!

Muriel's back.

Muriel, did you steal this dress?

- No. - Where did you get the money to buy it?

- You haven't had a job in two years. - Mum gave it to me.

Is this true?

Um... No, l-I don't think so.

Find the receipt. Go on!

What happens if she can't find it?

We'd have to contact the store and see if they want to press charges.

- You know who I am? - Yes, sir. Councillor Heslop.

- Who are you? - I'm Constable Saunders, and this is Constable Gillespie.

Saunders? You're not Graham Saunders' oldest boy, are you?

- Brad. - Young Brad.

I haven't seen you since you played fullback for the Porpoise Spit Giants!

How's your Dad? How's he recovering from that stroke?

- He's better than he was. - You're terrible, Muriel.

How about a beer? Cold one before you go back to work?

- Betty. - Yes? What?

- Get the young fellows a beer. - Oh, yes.

He'll enjoy that.

Very good.

- Honey prawns! Yes! Yum! - Ah, look at that!

- You're a wonderful man, Charlie Chan. - Thank you.

- How's your uncle? - Very well.

I got his uncle out from China. Talked to the boys from Immigration.

Ian McKay and his blokes.

- They got his uncle out from China. - This is a great man.

- Charlie, this is Victor Keinosuke and his mate, uh, Akira. - How do you do?

They're building a resort at Wallum Beach,

And they might want a Chinese restaurant in it.

- Oh. - So keep the food coming.

- Please, please. - Thank you, thank you.

It's all on the house. I got his uncle out from China.

- You've done a lot for the people of this town, Bill. - Who told you that?

- You did. - Ah, well, um...

I like helping out. Ran for state government once.

Joanie, stand up. Show them your shirt.

- "Bill Heslop. You can't stop progress." - He lost.

Yeah, well, missed on the postal vote.

In a way, I'm glad I didn't get in.

I can do more for this place at grass roots level.

You know, high rise, malls, resorts.

Porpoise Spit council believes in progress. Muriel.

When Victor was 19 he was a millionaire.

Muriel's on the dole.

So is Perry.

Well, I've got a job interview next week. An apprentice locksmith.

Oh, that sounds wonderful. Doesn't it, Bill?

A bit old for an apprentice, aren't you?

A bit old for everything!

After she failed high school,

I get her into a secretarial course run by a mate of mine. $300 a term.

Two years, $2,000.

- She comes out, she can't even type. - I could type.

Then I get her a job at me solicitor's.

After a month, Stevie Mason rings up and says he'll have to let her go...

'cause she can't type.

If I couldn't type, why did they give me my secretarial diploma?

Because I paid for it!

Sits around the house like a dead weight!

Watching TV, sleeping all day, getting arrested at weddings!

You're useless.

You're all useless.

A bunch of useless no-hopers.

Bill. Bill!

- It's Deidre Chambers. - What a go!

- What a coincidence. Deidre, pull up a chair. - What a coincidence!

Penelope, shift out! Deidre, Victor Keinosuke and his mate Akira.

- Hello. Hello. - All the way from China... Uh, Japan.

- Deidre's a sales representative for Radiant Cosmetics. - Beauty consultant, Bill.

Sorry. Beauty consultant.

"Sales representative" sounds so common.

I advise women on the right lipstick, base and eyeliner.

Of course, you'd know all about makeup. Your wives are probably geishas.

You look lovely, Deidre.

Muriel, how was that wedding?

- She was arrested. - That's lovely.

Don't you wish you were 22 again, Betty?

- Remember that age? - Oh, yes. What?

I bet you were a terror when you were 22.

Bill, was she a terror?

Where's Charlie Chan with that food?

Oh, yes. Where is he?

Anyone? Oh, wait.

- I think we've got a winner over here. - Two new bars through there.

- Here she comes. - Give her a bit of a hand.

Your dad was telling me you're unemployed, Muriel.

Would you like to work for me?

What's wrong? What's the matter?

You can tell us. We won't tell anyone.

Hello.

Don't bottle it up, Tania. You've got to let it out.

You can tell us what happened. We won't tell anyone.

He... He couldn't do it.

So I...

You know.

And I noticed there was lipstick on it.

- On what? - His dick!

He said he was having an affair.

Who with?

Rose Biggs.

Rose Biggs?

Well, he said they don't sleep together. She only sucks him off.

Why?

- Out of respect for me. - Oh, the bitch.

- Bastard. - What am I going to do? I'm a bride!

I'm supposed to be euphoric!

Come on the holiday with us!

- Cash in your ticket to Bali and have your honeymoon with us. - Yeah!

Yeah, come on, Tan.

All right.

We are going to have the best time. I'm so excited!

What holiday?

Just Hibiscus Island.

We didn't think that you could afford it because you don't have a job.

Yes, I do. I got one last night. I'm a beauty consultant.

Let's tell her.

We were going to tell her after the holiday,

but I think we should tell her now.

- Muriel... - Wait!

Let her finish her Orgasm.

Muriel, people think we're mad, but that's just us.

We're ragers.

People invite us to parties, and they know we'll just have a good time.

- We're mad. - Party, party, party.

That's our image. You know what I mean.

We're mad.

We don't want you hanging around us anymore.

- I didn't steal the dress. It was a mistake. - It's not the dress, it's you.

We've told you a thousand times how to do your hair, but you never listen.

- You never wear the right clothes. - You're fat.

You listen to '70s music. This is the '90s.

- We all listen to the Baby Animals. - And Nirvana.

- You bring us down, Muriel. - You embarrass us.

L-I know I'm not normal, but I'm trying to change.