Melissa & Joey

You know, I cannot believe Marco and Lennox have been sneaking around.

My own nephew, he lied to me.

My niece lied to me, too. How come I'm not freaking out?

I don't know. Painkillers?

Please. I built up a tolerance to those years ago.

Hours ago.

It's different, okay?

Marco made Lennox lie to you.

Made her? What, does he got some kind of hold on her?

Yes! Honey, I keep telling you, alright?

You are underestimating the power of a male with Longo blood.

We can get women to do anything.

Anything!

The powers are limitless.

Can you open the door here, please? Yup.

I... I just think we should enjoy the beautiful night sky

until your urge to murder passes.

Babe, I'm telling you, I'm gonna go in there,

I'm gonna be under control. I'm not even gonna raise my voice.

Trust me.

Okay.

I didn't bring my keys.

Grab mine, they're in my pocket.

Yeah, I don't think your keys are in here.

I'm sorry, I meant the other pocket.

So you were just gonna let me feel around in there all day?

I was.

- Get in there. - Eh...

- Cool and calm? - Yo...

Cool and calmed.

Hello, lovebirds.

Um... aunt Mel, Joe, uh...

What... what are you guys doing home?

You scared me half to death.

Great! Now I'm gonna finish the other half.

Calmly.

I cannot believe my own nephew lied to my face.

What, did you think I wasn't gonna find out?

I got one question for you, Marco. Just one.

Do you think I'm stupid? Or are you stupid?

I'm not stupid.

That's two questions.

That's two... two ques...

Okay. Come on, Marco. We don't have to listen to this.

Actually, you do.

Actually, they don't. They're adults.

Hey!

Just because you're adults,

doesn't mean it's right to lie to my face.

You wanna punch me?

Go ahead.

Okay. No. Hitting him isn't gonna change the way I feel about him.

I know that!

But I would feel better.

Joe, hitting doesn't solve anything, right?

All right, fine!

Fine, no one's gonna hit anyone.

Marco knows what he was doing was wrong. Otherwise,

why would he be keeping it a secret?

I'm the one who wanted to keep it a secret.

I wasn't sure about us, but...

Now I am.

- Aww! - Don't "aww"!

This is... this is not an "aww"!

It's not the worst thing in the world.

I don't know.

It's pretty close.

Uncle Joe...

I know you think I'm just a mook from Jersey

and she's out of my league,

but there is nothing you can do to hold back true like.

See how I didn't say "love"?

I know you wanna take this thing slow and I respect that.

I don't get it.

What could you two possibly have in common?

Oh jeez!

Um, why don't you guys give me and Joe a minute?

OK. I'm just relieved this is out in the open.

Come on, Marco. We'll be up in my room.

Keep your door open.

I mean, close it.

I mean...

I don't know what I want!

Joe, I think you handled that...

As well as you could.

Yeah, it's a big victory.

Lennox is upstairs in her bedroom right now with a player.

Lennox is a grown woman. She's gonna do what she wants to do.

Wow.

I'm powerless.

I am completely powerless.

These... guns, they...

They have no firing pin.

Oh! You're back!

Listen, this boy asked me out on a date tomorrow night.

I won't be too late.

You see that? First week in a new school and Dani's already making friends.

- Isn't that great? - It's awesome. You're not going.

But I already said yes.

Oh! Oh, you already said yes?

Oh, well. You know, it that case...

You're not going.

- Why? - Why? You want a reason?

All right. Look, I actually have a very good one.

Now, look, it's... It's a little complicated, but, uh...

Here it is...

'Cause I said so.

Oh, you're such a dictator!

Wow! First Lennox is mad at you, now Dani.

I'm sorry, Joe.

You kidding?

That felt great!

Firing pin is coming back.

Hey, look at this!

The monster truck rally is in town.

Ugh... can you imagine people actually go to that crap?

Did I mention I welded the cage to the crushmobile

at the northeast monster truck-o-Rama?

And we won "Most Bodacious."

That's...

Impressive.

Don't worry, I'm sure there's tons of things we can find to do together.

Hmm...

Hey, Amelia just asked if I could go to the movies with her tonight.

- Can you take me? - Oh, happy to.

Yeah, now that I got my cast off,

that's the kind of wonderful thing I can do.

I can also do this.

Wow! Now you're not just cool aunt Mel, you're cool Stepmom Mel.

I am!

I need to update my Twitter bio.

You are much cooler than Joe.

I know, but don't tell him.

He can't handle the truth.

That's a reference.

Never mind.

Hey, I bet there's tons of movies that we could see.

Oh yeah, of course there are.

Ooh, I really want to see this French film, La Tristesse de ma Mère.

It means "the sadness of my mother."

If his mother's a robot, I'm in.

But you know what I hear is also cool?

Zeke, the Talking Donkey.

Check out the ad.

"Zeke...

"The dirtiest ass in Cleveland."

Get it?

I wish I didn't.

Oh, okay.

Maybe we should just give up, huh?

What? No, no, hold on. How about...

How about this one? Hang the Iron Lantern?

It's a documentary about a local sculptor, Thorndyke Welles.

He makes art, which I like,

and his sculptures are made of metal, which you, as a welder, would enjoy.

That sounds good, doesn't it?

Yeah.

- Are you lying? - Yeah.

But seriously, if you're interested,

I'm interested.

But if that art movie is sold out, the donkey movie, 3-d,

so when Zeke burps, your hair blows back.

Thorndyke Welles is such a genius.

I mean, to spend three years working on that one sculpture.

I don't know what he was doing all that time.

Me and my boys could have that thing knocked out in a weekend.

No! He was creating something of...

Incredible symbolic complexity.

Whatever! The welds sucked.

Drippy. Uneven. He is not getting in the union with sloppy work like that.

- Hey, Lennox. - Zander.

You know Marco.

Yeah, we've met.

So, uh...

- That's new. - Oh yeah.

Well, after you broke up with me, my roommates

thought it wise to hide all the razor blades, so...

Voila!

So, the movie. Was that incredible or what?

Yeah. Thorndyke Welles is a genius.

Oh, he's gonna be signing copies of his book in the lobby.

I know! I'm actually working up the courage to re-introduce myself to him.

I had an interview with him last week to be an intern at his art studio.

Excuse me, I'm gonna go make some art in the men's room.

If I run into Thorndyke, I'll tell him what's wrong with his welds.

It's a good plan. I'm sure he'll love that.

So...

You two are, uh...

Officially going out, huh?

- We are. - Good.

Good. Question...

Question, uh...

When you take him to a movie like this,

do you have to explain it to him in little tiny words?

It's not nice to talk behind someone's back.

No, I know, but if I said it to his face,

he'd punch me.

Hey.

Dani! Great!

I thought your dad wouldn't let you come out on a date.