The Substance

Happy birthday, thank you.

Happy birthday.

Oh, thank you.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

I don't care if every fucking young girl

in this fucking town

in the next few weeks.

Look, I made it simple.

We need her young.

We need her hot.

We need her now.

How the old bitch has been able to stick

around for this long.

That's the fucking mystery to me.

Oh, Oscar winner, my ass.

When was that back in the 30s?

What, for King Kong?

No, I don't give a

fuck what we promised her.

This is network TV,

not a fucking charity.

Find me somebody new.

Now.

Hey, did you know that a woman's

fertility starts to

decrease by the age of 25?

How old is Jennifer?

You better get busy.

It's like when you see

someone fart on screen.

People just love that.

I mean, that's just the way it is.

So you know what I mean?

People are just people.

And I have to give people what they want.

That's what keeps the shareholders happy.

And people always ask for something new.

Renewal is inevitable.

And at 50, well, it stops.

What stops?

What?

What stops?

Um, you know, the um...

The um...

The um...

Oh, George!

Oh, oh!

I'm sorry, I gotta run.

Harvey!

George, those ratings are insane!

You're a genius!

Oh, what a mess. You're a genius.

That's why you'd be drinking.

Oh, that's hilarious.

Well, it's your lucky day, Miss Sparkle,

because we have

X-rayed you from head to toe,

and you don't have so

much as a crap molar.

So, you are good to go.

Uh, vaccination, okay?

Not going on a vacation.

By the way, I just want to

say, my wife is a huge fan.

Um, blood type...

Oh, hey, it's your birthday.

Happy birthday.

Oh, uh, that's an emergency, I'm sorry.

I, uh, had to have a...

Bye.

One moment.

It's just one last exam to perform.

I thought he said I was good to go.

Is there a problem?

No, it's perfect.

You're a good candidate.

I mean, are you good to go?

I wish you the best.

Lizzie?

Lizzie Sparkle?

Oh my God, I can't believe it.

Fred!

Fred, from 10th grade homeroom!

Oh, Fred, of course.

You haven't changed a bit.

You're still the most beautiful girl in

the whole wide world.

You know, I followed your career.

What a success.

I mean, wow, wow, wow.

Wow.

Hey, why don't we go out maybe for a

drink sometime now that

we're, you know, reconnected?

Um...

Oh, of course, I'm stupid.

You're super busy.

But you know what?

Why don't you give me your card?

I mean, you never help.

Um, sure, what I...

This will do.

Oh.

Don't look at my cholesterol levels.

They're a disaster.

Oh, God.

What is that?

There.

Now you've got it.

Have you ever dreamt of a

better version of yourself?

Younger.

More beautiful.

More perfect.

One single injection unlocks your DNA,

starting a new cellular

division that will release

another version of yourself.

This is the substance.

You are the matrix.

Everything comes from you.

And everything is you.

This is simply a

better version of yourself.

You just have to share.

One week for one and

one week for the other.

A perfect balance of seven days each.

The one and only thing not to forget.

You are one.

You can't escape from yourself.

Yes.

Hello.

I'd like to order.

Address.

1057 Beverly Canyon.

Write this down.

35 North Byron Alley.

35 North.

Phone ringing

You are the matrix.

Everything comes from

you, and everything is you.

This is simply a

better version of yourself.

Hello.

Thanks.

We'll let you know by next week.

Thank you so much.

I'm just dying to get the part.

Great dancer.

Hmm, too bad her

boobs aren't in the middle

of her instead of the nose.

Next!

Looks like everything sure is in the

right place this time.

Please say your name, age, measurements.

I'm Sue.

I'm Sue.

Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue.

Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue.

Where is she?

Where is she?

What a gorgeous little angel.

You're hired.

We want a show that's just like you.

Beautiful and happy.

People want to be happy.

We air in two weeks,

so let's get to work.

I'm gonna let you organize

the rest with my assistant.

Isabella?

Is-is-isis.

Who has time to say that?

We're gonna make you Cindy.

It's shorter, it's better.

So, I'm gonna let you

organize everything else with Cindy.

Oh, um, before you go,

I just have to mention

a small scheduling issue.

I have to be out of town every other week

to take care of my

mother, who's very sick.

I want you for this

show, and we will work around

any mother, brother, fucking sick,

puppy you need to take care of.

Hmm?

Hmm.

Gorgeous, with a pure heart.

People are gonna love that.

Perfect.

So you jump out, touch your elbows,

head down, contract.

And five, six, seven, eight, elbows.

Where have you been?