Amazing Stories

D

DRock of ages, cleft for me

d Let me hide myself in thee d

d Let the water and the blood d

d From thy wounded side which flowed d

- d Be of sin? Dd - Your mother wears Salvation Army boots.

D

What'll it be, Francis?

Another rye there, Joe, if you wouldn't mind.

- Joey. - I know.

Ah, that's it! That's the ticket!

Aah-aah-aah-aah! Ah! Two bits.

Um, two bits. Of course. Two bits.

Thanks for the drink, Joe. No!

- Well? - No. I s?

I said, "Two bits," undertaker.

Uh, good bartender, "Let him drink and forget his poverty...

and remember his misery no more."

- Huh? - Proverbs 31, verse seven.

How do you think it feels to go home at night to a wife...

and three kids with nothing in your pockets?

To watch them bright young eyes begin to wither with despair.

And I can give them nothing, not even a quarter for the ball game.

All I can do is try to put on a smile,

offer them hope?

Hope that I don't have no more.

Give me the drink, Joe.

Give her to me. It helps me to lie.

- Hey. - Take it out of my pay.

Dd

Dd

- D And cruel death is always near d - Pipe down. Pipe down.

- D So frail a thing is man dd - Come on, Malloy. This way.

This way! This way!

Ah, Francis.

Francis, a little money wouldn't hurt any one of us.

But I don't know many people these days that have it easy.

Uh, there was this cheap broad what married Al Compinari.

Well, sooner than later, she's shacking up with Toots O'Connor,

and she finds out that there's this contract out on her husband.

Well, bless her heart, what does she do?

She takes out a hefty life insurance policy on him,

and four days later becomes a rich, grieving widow...

when her poor, dear husband is accidentally run over by a truck.

Oh.

Ah, he's all right.

That's a fair way to earn some money.

Take out a policy on somebody who's going to die anyway.

Well, don't you think she might have told him? He might not have died.

Yeah, but I don't see anything wrong with taking advantage of a little inside information,

then not wasting the profits needlessly. Dd

D Oh, lament all that which is d

d Will only bring despair and hate d Shut up, Malloy.

D For death's where justice is d

d Where justice d Pipe down, Malloy.

D Is dd

Most of the bums that hang around here are gonna die.

And Malloy, he's been hanging around here trying to drink himself to death.

Hmm. Probably gonna succeed too, especially in this weather.

Yeah.

Don't count on him having enough for a funeral. Why is that?

'Cause his?

His wife is dead. He's got no real friends.

So I don't think you could find anybody who cares enough for him to pay for a funeral.

"A useless life is an early death."

Huh? Goethe.

Oh. The only way that he could find the funds for a proper funeral...

would be from a life insurance policy.

Life insurance policy.

Dd

Whew!

Hmm? Whoa!

Look what I got.

Oh. Huh? Take a look at this.

What? What?

Did you get it? Yes.

Oh, out, out. He's in the back. If he sees you, I'm gonna get? No, Joe, look at this. Lookit.

Huh? Is that it?

Nicely done. Nicely done.

Oh! How in the world ?

Hard times, brother. You can get a lot for a little.

Ah, kind sir, would you share...

a wee drop of that liquid magic for a poor, old man not long for this earth?

Certainly, Mr. Malloy.

Ah!

Mr. Malloy, I have here a petition to the mayor...

protesting the abominable conditions suffered by the poor orphan children in the sweatshops.

I would be most obliged...

If you would sign it and help our cause be heard.

Oh, yeah. The poor little tykes.

Mr. Simmons, I would be happy to if you'll only show me where.

Oh. I don't see too good, you understand?

Ah. Uh, sign right here.

Michael Patrick...

J oseph...

Malloy.

Thank you very much.

Oh, you're entirely welcome, my very good friend.

May I propose a celebratory drink?

Of course, Mr. Malloy.

- To the orphans, like meself. - To the orphans.

Got it this time.

Hey! You stealing my booze? No! Tony, it's okay!

Take it easy, now. J ust take a look at this.

See? Huh?

The money, Tony. Yeah.

- You got it! You got it! - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

You'll wake up Malloy. I don't think you have to worry about that.

Free drinks, all around!

So on the very, hopefully, timely demise of Mr. Malloy, we will be gentlemen of wealth.

- How long do you think that'll take? - Well, I'm no doctor,

but I can't see the poor old sod lasting much longer.

Mr. Malloy's been trying to drink himself to death for the past few years.

That's right. Considering our resources,

we should be able to help him dojust that in short time.

- To Mr. Malloy! -

Dd

Mmm.

Dd

D

Say, Mr. Maroni,

would it be possible to have another drink?

You?

No, Tony, Tony, Tony. It's okay. Tony, it's okay. Okay.

Okay. I'll get it.

He's gonna drink me dry.

I can't believe it.

What's this? Is he dead?

Glory be, he's dead! Completely dead!

Oh, the poor, dear, old sod.

What's this?

Oh!

He's not dead.

No, he's not dead. But we're almost completely broke.

In the past three weeks, he's drunk 27 bottles of rye whiskey,

14 bottles of vodka, five bottles of scotch.

Every time he passes out, I'm sure he's done for,

but he just stands up, he apologizes for his posture,

and he says, "I'm thirsty."

He better die soon. I need the money.

I got it.

- Maybe we should give him beer. - What?

It's said that if you give an Irishman lager for a month, he's a dead man.

See, an Irishman's stomach is lined with copper. Beer corrodes it.

Whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving grace of him.

That's a load of nonsense.

Besides, I can't wait another month.

Yeah.

Get rid of that.

Now I'll pour some of this into the empty bottle.

A little whiskey to take the edge off.

Good. Now?

Oh. The Malloy special.

- Here. - That'll put him away for sure.

- Thanks. I could use a drink. - Dan! - No!

No, Dan. Give me that!

That drink is for Mr? Mr. Malloy.

What kind of cheap rotgut is that?

It smells like keros?

Mr. Malloy, a little refreshment after your nap?

Oh, how thoughtful.

- Won't the gentlemen be joining me? - Oh, no! I had a drink before you woke up.

- Funeral tonight. Mustn't stutter. - I have a bad stomach.

- I'll have one. - No!

Daniel, you have to be going home. You know what the missus said about strong drink on the breath.

- Nonsense. - I think I'll help you.

I'll get it. No harm done.