Who's Your Daddy?

Ready? Ok.

Be agressive! Be agressive!

Oh Chris, show me your spirit dick. - I love your pampams, baby.

You're my number 1.

You like that? - Oh yes.

Oh yes.

You score like a quarterback. - Yea, I know baby.. I just.. yea, right there.

Easy baby, watch the face. It's not big jerky.

Pigs in a blanket, baby? - Uh yeah mama, stick that pig in the blanket.

You want the little piggies in the blanky?

Suck my big fat hog.

Chris dear, were you dreaming about breakfast?

Oh sweetie, you're boiling up with sweat. Your sheets are soaking wet.

Oh honey. - Mother!

Mom, look, a big giant spider!

A spider? Honey, I don't see anything over there.

Chris, are you okay? Your penis is purple.

Mom, you can't look at that.

Sweetheart, please, I'm your mother. I've seen your penis plenty of times.

Ofcourse I've never seen it so lumpy and purple.

Maybe you broke it when you fell out of bed. I think I should call somebody.

Mom, leave. I didn't break anything. I think I would know. Just go!

I can't just leave, you've broken your mister penis puppet. Now let mommy look at it again.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

What in tarnation are those red bumps on your back?

O Jesus, please strike me with lightning.

What's up with the retard?

Your brother may have broken his penis. - No way!

Ok, everyone out.

Dude, you totally spooched instant pudding in your own bed. And you're still sporting Maj. Wood.

Now at the bat, Mark McGuire.. McGuire..

I will kill you. If not today, I will hunt you down, you'll be very much dead. Mom!

This is unbelievable. I don't even know who to tell first. Thank God for E- mail.

Danny, leave him alone. He's not well. Let's go.

Honey, what's "spooched"?

Oh, man..

Sorry about that!

Buster, you bad dog, you.

Have a nice day.

Young man..

Young man! You planning on taking the motorcycle this morning?

Are you? Yes or no! - Yes sir, but it's..

Helmet! No but's about it!

It's for your own safety, dear.

Hundreds of thousands of people here cracked their skulls like mellons riding motorcycles.

Your mother's right. The statistics don't lie.

Helmet, or no motorcycle. End of discussion.

Hey, looking good baby!

You're gonna have to beat the girls off you with a stick.

Nice helmet, loser! Get a life!

Nerd!

Nice scooter, sissy.

Come on guys, come on. Citizen needs a rest, ok?

Are you okay, little fella?

Don't touch me!

Watch the face! No, not there!

Hughes, you're late. - No, I finished it last night, ok?

Oh, well, that line was yesterday at 5 o'clock, not last night.

I'm sorry, I meant to call you. I was working late at the store.

Hughes, you are the best writer on my staff.

Next to me. I mean, your attention to detail is amperaveled in high school journalism.

But if you want to be a reporter.. No, if that is what you want, above all else in this world..

It is all about dead lines and dedication.

If I ever make out as a senior, and find myself writing for a paper, rather than for anyone, I'm sure this little peptark will have additional meaning.

Late, look, no. I have a paper to write, ok?

I have a circulation department that counts on me to deliver them the goods, day in, day out.

If I deveate just once, the entire ecosystem collapses..

Ok, it's not a job. Beeing the editor of Xenia Porcupine Harold is an extra-collicular activity.

You know, you should line up and start having some fun.

Are you ok? - Yeah.

I should've seen that coming. Eight graders are getting pretty consistant.

Ok, well, moving on.

I was wondering if you would...

if we went to the Spring Fling?

Spring Fling? - Together.

Not like as a date or anything.

No, we could do double-coverage there.

Who's wearing what, who's dating who..

Spring Fling..

I was already planning to ask someone.. As a date.

But thanks, I'm sure it would've been fun.

Hey, no problem.

I assumed that you were solo, so..

No, this will actually work out much better for me, because I am terrible at picking out..

Ok, well.. good chat.

I think I'm gonna vomit again. - What happened to you?

Erin happened. I did everything you told me to.

I stood tall, shoulders back, buff my package, and in she walks.

A vision! I'm feeling the vibe, I get ready to ask her to the big dance, then BAM..

I vomited what I ate two nights ago. - I get it. Did you puke on her?

No, I think I hid it from her really well. I turned and I pretended I was gonna cough,

and I cough in my hand, just since I was going to the bathroom.

Most of it.. She probably just thought I was nervous or something, you know..

Shy..

Good morning, girls.

That's the one that totally threw up all over himself infront of Erin.

Afterwards, she started to cry and had to go home sick.

You can still smell it on him.

What about you? Today's the big day. Brittany van Horn..

I don't think I can go through with this. - Shut your mouth. Brittany has a major ass.

Three different guys in colleges have proposed marriage to her. They're doctors, they know good ass.

I'm afraid to ask her to the dance. - Afraid of what? That she might laugh at your face?

That the other popular kids might mock and criticise you, like that spooky girl with warts last year?

Guys like us are immune to those daily rituals.

Brittany.

Chris...

Oh no.. no, not here.

Not now, please no.. not here! - Take me now, Chris.

Grandma's naked.. wrinkly.

First base: kissing Brittany. - Maize.

Second base: touching Brittany.

Third base.. - Fingering Brittany!

Brittany... Would you want to go with me to Spring Fling?

It was harsh! Even Prof. Torkenbush started laughing.

Why even asking her out? Why? This is your fault, you're the one who made me.

These sort of things happen all the time. - To who?

To you, that's wh... and me...

Does it concern you, that our memories of our time spent in high school suck?

Does it bother you that in the future, when people refer to the losers they went to high school with,

they will be in fact refering to us?

High school is about what you learn.

For instance, I've learned you can keep puking on yourself, long after you think you're done.

And with diarreia. - What are you talking about? I am serious, Adam.

This is supposed to be it, the time of our lives, and It's not.

It's not even the half time of our lives.

Who are we? What do we stand for? How will we be remembered in fine post graduation?

Cool, potatoe fries.

Hello ladies. It's the big day for the home team.

Adam threw up on Erin, and Chris humiliated himself in History class.

I didn't throw up directly on her.. Mostly on my hand.

And it was Algebra, not History.

Well, that changes everything. Hurray, we really are the popular kids now.

Assholes! I thought we voted on Goth.

What the hell are you wearing? - It's goth, man.

You look like a hairy ugly chick, man. Is that your mother's make-up?

Eric, what gives? - Last week? The meeting?

We talked about dressing Goth, to strenghten our identity by the end of the year.

We talked about it, we didn't vote. - Actually, we didn't talk about it. Murphy did.

We ignored him. - Ok, let's get it on right now. Let's vote.

All those who favor dressing Goth, raise your hands, raise them high!

So Chris, your folks going out of town this weekend? - What? The clock says 15min till the party!

Hudson Reed.

Does everyone else see them walking... slow?

What is it about that guy? He's spent his whole life coming in first place.

And I spent mine as runner-up. Will it ever change?

No, maybe I was popular in the past life. Maybe in some perlo universe.

I'm Hudson Reed, and he's me. - Yea, like in an ultra time continued.

When is it my turn to be Hudson? - You guys up for a trading session?

What are you doing? Not here, dammit! Never here!

That is it! I'm getting sick and tired of this.

We are not losers. I bet in other schools, we would be the cool guys.

I am not about to graduate as a wimper.

I'm going out with a bang.

You thinking what I'm thinking? - Probably not, but let me tell you this.

Chris Hughes is gonna have the mother of all high school parties.

The grandmother of all high school parties.

One small problem.. A cool party requires alcohol.

For us, it would require huge quantities of alcohol.

Boys, while we're away: Chris, you're in charge of the store.

And no monkey business.

I'm proud of you. When you grab this party thing by the balls.

I mean look at you. Stealing alcohol, just to further up our popularity.

This is so decent of you. - Thanks, you're doing a good job in clearing my consciousness.

Now, will you help me start filling these jugs?

You crazy? I'm not going to jail, just because you want to be popular for a day.

"Alcohol fame. Drinks, drinks, and more free drinks."

"Party like It's still 1999! Come enjoy free drinks and food at Chris Hughes' house!"

How many fliers did you give to people? - I don't know. Maybe a thousand.

1000!? No, we can't have 1000, ok? I'm definetly gonna get grounded for 1000.

We should cancel. We are cancelling, no more. - Holy shit, chicks!

Hey Brittany.. and friends. - OTR? On the rack?

Inventory. New sample. It's washed.

You going to the party tonight?

There's no party tonight. Trust me, I would've heard that long before you would.

Murphy, educate the ladies.

Who's Chris Hugges? - Chris Hughes, that's me.

Your name's Chris? - Yea...

You kids are gonna want to get there early. We're expecting overflow by 9.

Is there going to be liquor? - Which part of "free drinks" on the flier didn't you understand?

Are you talking to me? - No.

We're outta here. Grab me a pack of cigarretes.

So you'll stop by the party? Get jiggy with it?

Jiggy.. party... Right...

Later.

Nice move, she'll definetly be there, man!

Put on a condom, I'll get you some. And some biscuits, for later.

No.

Doyle, bad born guy. No donkey.

Let's get this show on the road! - What show? I said no band.

No, the show. My dad's huge monster truck porn collection.

The folks went bowling last night, and he forgot to lock his closet.

Your dad locks his closet? - So I pulled a total Bond, sneaked in and grabbed it.

A little pre-party gig, gentlemen.

Slide over, bitch! - You slide over, bitch!

Who are you calling a bitch? - Bitch, I'm calling you bitch, bitch.

Girls, do I need to separate you? - Ok, let's just batten down the hatch, cause here comes the snatch.

This is awesome. - Hello there, cowboy.

Time to settle up. Is that a gun in your pocket sheriff, or are you just looking to bone me?

It looks like your sweet ass needs Brandon. - Adam.. you got this from your dad's closet?

Yeah... - That adds a whole new meaning to raw hide.