Friday After Next

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Goddamn, Day-Day.

Take it all. One, two, get up, three.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Damn! That's an ugly-ass baby. Eyes cocked like a pistol.

All I want, Santa Claus, is two fat bitches and a bag of weed

and two bags of chips to give to the fat bitches.

What the...

Damn, these niggas are broke.

No Christmas ham in here. Nothing.

lt's a damn shame.

All l want is two fat bitches and some cheeseburgers

so Cheeco can lick on them

and two years' supply of rolling paper.

Two pieces of bologna. Yeah, baby.

This gonna be good right here. I'm so hungry.

What the hell you doin' in my house

eatin' a big-ass sandwich and shit?

Nigga, I'm Santa Claus. Where's the milk and cookies?

Santa Claus!

Shit!

You better get your ass outta here!

Goddamn!

Day-Day! Day-Day!

All I want is a fat bitch with a name belt that say ''Glitter'' on it.

Day-Day! Help me, man!

Merry Christmas, motherfucker!

As you can see.

I got my black ass back in the ghetto.

the only place where you can get robbed

by Santa Claus on Chistmas Eve.

Shit!

I don't know if I can handle another goddamn Friday.

This shit hurt.

Day-Day! Wake up, man! We just got robbed!

Get your scary ass up, man! I know you heard that shit!

Get out of here, man!

Wake your ass up!

Come on, man, I gotta call the po-po!

What you say? Damn.

We just got robbed, Cheeco.

Unit 415. man in the middle of the street.

Then what happened?

Then I caught him. I hit him, like, four times.

I would've been a boxer, but I was in Special Education.

I'm telling you, I was whooping his ass!

Craig got to fightin' with him, he beat his ass.

- Go check out the bedrooms. - Sure.

What else did he get?

Like I said, he took all of our presents,

he took my CD collection,

he even took Day-Day's baby pictures.

And he got our speaker with all our rent money in it.

Rent money!

- Sit your ass down! - Who got the rent money?!

You ain't about to do nothin'.

Jumpin' up like you Mr. Get Bad.

Where was you when he was beatin' my ass with that tree?

- Craig, my leg is hurtin', man. - Good!

Yeah, he got the rent money. All of it.

You're positive he was dressed like Santa Claus?

Jolly white fat guy, little red suit,

couple elves packin' the bags.

He's a project Santa Claus.

Picture Ol' Dirty Bastard in a Santa Claus suit.

Can you picture that?

Do you know who Ol' Dirty Bastard is?

I'm not big on that.

You oughta be nervous. You a black cop.

You two motherfuckers huddle up or something and find this dude.

Stay right there.

I ain't goin' nowhere.

- Calm down. - I'm calm.

- You're gonna sit in the car. - Do your fucking job!

You're pushing the wrong buttons.

We the victims, man.

That victim shit is way overblown.

Just sit there and shut up.

Asshole.

Santa Claus strikes again.

Makes me want to go home and lock up all my shit.

You gotta stop talking to the police like that.

Shut up! You better stop talking to me like that.

I could kick your ass for the way you actin' this morning.

We gonna have our Christmas party?

How we gonna have a party with our apartment looking like this?

We can't cancel the party, man! What about the hos we had coming?

I invited some nice-ass girls.

They gonna fuck for a buck,

do something strange for a little piece of change,

and I know we gonna make them holler for a dollar.

One said they was gonna suck my dick from the back.

I ain't never had that ever happen to me.

I'm trying to go see what that be like right there--

Look, man, I don't give a shit about you, that party.

All I got to worry about is the rent,

and it was your idea to use half the rent money...

Dix, I think we got something here.

Well, well. Whose is this?

Actually, it's both of ours.

No, it ain't!

lt is, but it's for medicinal uses only.

I mean, he got cataract, lazy eye, a little glaucoma.

- See that eye right there? - Little shot of gonorrhea, see?

Do you guys have any idea what we could do to you for this?

- No. - Juvenile center?

We can make your Christmas worse than it already is.

Being that it's Friday,

that means you're not gonna see a judge till possibly Monday.

Maybe.

But, since we're nice guys, we'll just confiscate this plant,

take it with us until we find this Santa Claus character.

That's fucked up, too.

Oh, hey, and when we find St. Nick,

what do y'all want us to do to him, you know?

Cracked ribs, fractured skull, little eye gouge?

Fractured skull, beat the shit out that motherfucker.

- Eye gouge, that's the shit. - And an eye gouge.

I say stick a plunger in his ass, like they did in New York.

Fractured skull.

This is Officer Brian Dix. I'm Officer Alvin Hole.

We'll let you know if anything develops.

Officer A. Hole and B. Dix.

We'll call you...

if we find anything.

I like them police right there.

You got a big pile of dog shit in the middle of your bed.

You might want to check that out.

Merry Christmas.

He's the dick.

What the hell is going on around here?!

Happy Holidays, Miss Pearly.

Police running in and out! What the hell is going on?

Somebody broke in and stole all our stuff.

That bullshit security.

I sure hope they didn't get the rent money

'cause you two niggas been ducking and dodging me

for about three weeks now.

Me--

Today is the day you motherfuckers is gonna kick in!

Why you always bring your ass up here harassing us?

With that big ol' wolf pussy?

You come here all the time smelling like that.

- You don't even own the place! - You just the manager.

And I'm gonna manage to evict your skinny-punk black ass

out of here today if you two motherfuckers don't pay up your rent.

Man, get that lined up.

Don't you worry about it, bitch. I know somebody like it.

Take your ass back downstairs, 'cause you ain't evictin' nobody

unless you got a motherfucking army with you.

I don't need no army, Mr. Smart-Ass!

My son Damon home right now.

Damon!

I had a nightmare about that fool last night.

Day-Day!

Craig!

Which one of you bitches want to wash my drawers tonight?

- That'd be him. - Him.

Okay.

I wash on Sundays, anyway.

Starch or press?

Starch, nigga!

Move!

Come on in, Miss Pearly.

- When did he get out? - Last night.

And I'm gonna let you two bitches in on a little secret--

when you spend 12 years on a level-4 prison yard,

you become quite fond of little ol' girls like yourselves.

So either I'm gonna get my rent money today,

or somebody getting their salad tossed tonight!

Damn!

That ain't even necessary.

Sure ain't!

We start our new job today,

and I swear to God we're gonna have your money later on tonight--

cash...in your hand!

You better!

Either you fixin' to come see me, or Damon gonna come see you.

Simple as that.

You like 'cause your son is a fag?

Shut up, bitch!

Tell your fine daddy I said...

I hate that bitch!

Tight-ass pants, man! Shit!

Look how tight these motherfucking pants are.

I can't even do the James Brown in these pants.

Good. I don't want to see you do the James Brown.

We ain't never gonna get no pussy in these clothes.

I'm gonna get some.

Tasha, how we look?

Like a couple of rent-a-cops.

What about them rent-a-tits?

See, the clothes don't make the player,

the player make the clothes.

Rent-a-cops get pussy, too.

I'm not no rent-a-cop, I'm a Top Flight Security

and don't you never forget it.

I swear, the first motherfucker get out of hand...

- I'm gonna beat the-- - Shit!