Zero Effect

It's his uncompromising standard.

He never meets his clients.

He doesn't speak with them or communicate directly.

It's his policy.

I'm his sole representative, he's my only employer...

...and I have full authorization to speak on his behalf on all his business.

I have with me a signed letter to that effect.

He doesn't negotiate his fee.

He works at a flat rate.

Under some unusual circumstances he'll work pro bono. Never in between.

I suppose I don't qualify for the latter category.

I haven't heard your proposal yet.

I have a feeling that mine is not a charity case.

Most aren't.

Mr. Arlo, you realize this is all very strange.

I mean, nobody in your field...

...asks the kind of money your employer does and nobody...

...communicates via...

...a messenger. It's all very unusual.

Let me tell you about the case of the man with the mismatched shoelaces.

Years ago, when I first came into his employ...

...he was contracted to find a man.

I can't give much detail...

...but believe me, if this man had not been located...

...our country's good diplomacy with a certain economic superpower...

...might have a different face today.

Federal, state, local authorities all over the world...

...searched for a face whose significance they couldn't fathom.

He'd vanished without a trace.

On the 8th morning, a non-political third party contacted me...

...with an unrelated private agenda.

My employer had never heard of this missing man, knew nothing about him.

After just one hour of desk work...

...just an hour after accepting the case...

...he picked up the telephone and placed a call.

Guess who answered the phone.

The missing man.

The man with the mismatched shoelaces.

Without ever leaving the house.

I'm telling you, he never even...

...leaves the house, okay?

I mean, he's like some kind of recluse.

A complete freak.

No social life.

In fact, no social skills.

Fucking strange. When he works...

...the smoothest operator you've seen.

Brave, slick...

...cunning...

...do anything.

Soon as he gets off work...

...it's all gone.

Afraid to go to the dry cleaners.

Literally.

Too uncomfortable in his own skin to go out and eat.

Tactless...

...and inept.

Rude too. Just an asshole.

You could meet him 5 times and not realize it's the same person.

He can tell you where you were born, how old your mother was at the time...

...and what you had for breakfast, all within 30 seconds of meeting you.

He can get a criminal to confess without his realizing he's being questioned.

How does he do it?

He has a deeply nuanced and functional understanding of human behavior...

...to rival the great psychoanalytical minds of our time.

He understands the criminal mind as well as the innocent mind...

...the stable mind as well as the psychotic, sociopathic mind...

...the male as well as the female.

I don't think he's ever...

...kissed a girl.

He's thirty-something years old.

What does he do when he's not working?

Does he just sit around the house?

When private investigation won its most worthy champion...

...academia and the arts suffered a loss, a great loss.

In addition to his many scholarly gifts, he's a terrifically talented musician.

He writes songs.

He's terrible.

His metaphors are thin, his imagery is cliched...

...and his thematic material is trite and heavy-handed.

Why do you do it?

I left the firm, didn't know what I was going to do...

...and I get this message on my machine.

He'd watched me argue a case in court...

...said I was the only person for the job. I don't know. The guy's nuts, okay?

What's his name?

The mysterious...

...and brilliant Daryl Zero.

Certainly does take himself seriously, doesn't he?

All right, Mr. Arlo.

I'm sold.

What happens now?

You tell me how my employer can be of service...

...then I fly home and speak to him.

Where is home?

Not to be coy, but I can't tell you that.

Of course not.

You know, I'm not used to being in this position.

Being needy.

I understand.

Yes.

You know, it's of the utmost importance...

...what I'm about to tell you not leave your confidence...

...or that of your...

...inaccessible employer.

That I can guarantee.

Mr. Arlo, I have lost my keys and I need to find them.

I'm being blackmailed, Mr. Arlo.

It's cost me a good deal of money and many nights' sleep.

I need the matter resolved.

I need questions answered and I must know who stole the key...

...to my safe deposit box.

Mr. Arlo, good to see you.

Thanks, Rahim. Keep it close. I'll be 20 minutes.

We'll keep it up top.

Great. Thanks, Raoul.

If I come a-knocking...

... a-knocking at your door

... on this October day

Would you say, "It'd be a joy

With you, my good boy"

'Cause if you would...

I'd say,

"Let's run off...

... and get married

It's the only thing for us to do

Let's run off and get married

If you love me"

... like I...

... love you'

If I come a-calling...

... on a rainy afternoon

Would you be glad if I called

And whistle a merry tune

And if I'd pop the question

Straight from my heart

Would you say...

..."Let's run away And be happy and gay?"

'Cause if you would I'd say,

"Let's run off and get married

It's the only thing for us to do

Let's run off and get married

If you love me...

... like I...

... love...

... you"

That's good.

It's really good.

You like it.

I had the first verse a while ago...

...but I just got that second one...

...just a couple hours ago.

- You really like it? - Yeah.

Where the fuck have you been?

What do you mean?

Where the fuck have you been?

I've been waiting for you.

I came straight from the airport.

I've been awake for three days.

Three!

Just love those amphetamines.

Got to love them.

Got to.

Sounds healthy.

It's good for my skin.

If you do enough of that stuff over a short period of time...

...you get these canker sores on your tongue.

They bleed and...

See?

Disgusting.

What'd the guy in Portland want?

Blackmail.

- Name? - Stark.

Gregory Stark, Oregon Timber.

He's a very rich man.

Old money.

Blackmail, huh?

Did he kill somebody or fuck somebody?

Fucked somebody over. Sounds like embezzlement, maybe.

Runs in the family, I guess. His old man, Jordan...

...had a big tax evasion suit against him in '82.

He was legally exonerated but karmically convicted because he died right after.

It was a massive coronary.

He just didn't take care of himself. He ate like a pig.

He was just a fat man.

Gregory Stark is the son of a fat man.

You wouldn't be the first hound down this trail.

- Who? - Clearburg.

- Didn't turn a thing. - Fucking hack!

You know the trouble with fucking Clearburg?

He has absolutely no fucking tact.

He stinks up the whole neighborhood. And he's press hungry.

He's just repulsive.

Gregory Stark. How desperate? Scale of 1 to 10.

Bordering on manic.

Do I need to go there?

You'd want to check it out.

There isn't too much to go on here.

I'd have to go there?

I don't like it.