Men in Black II

Mysteries in History,

with your host Peter Graves.

Although no one has ever been able to prove their existence,

a quasi-government agency known as the Men In Black...

supposedly carries out secret operations here on Earth...

in order to keep us safe from aliens throughout the galaxies.

Here is one of their stories that "never happened"...

from one of their files...

that doesn't exist.

1978.

Leaders of Zartha flee their planet...

in order to escape the clutches of the evil Kylothian Serleena.

Arriving on Earth, the Zarthans bring with them their greatest treasure...

the Light of Zartha,

a cosmic force so powerful...

that, in the wrong hands, it could lead to the annihilation of Zartha.

The Zarthan's princess, Lauranna,

beseeched the Men In Black to hide the Light from Serleena.

But they had no choice.

Intervention would have meant the destruction of the Earth.

However, in an act of galactic bravery,

the Men In Black subdued Serleena,

allowing the Zarthans to escape...

so they might hide the Light on another planet.

Serleena, released from

vowed that the Light would be hers...

and that she would destroy any planet...

that stood in her way.

And so, never knowing what happened,

the people of Earth were once again saved...

by a secret society of protectors...

known as the Men In Black.

Harvey, get over here!

Harvey! Heel! Heel!

You're barking at the moon, moron.

Harvey. Harvey!

Harvey!

Hey, pretty lady.

You taste good.

Hey, what the...

Yeah, you too.

[Sloshing, Gurgling Continue]

Nothing fancy, no heroics. By the book this time. Got it.

- Hey. - Ooh!

Uh, hey, Jeff. What's happening, buddy?

We were just wondering what you were doing here.

The man's talkin' to ya.

You know our arrangements, Jeff.

You don't travel outside of the "E," "F" and "R" subway lines.

In exchange, you get to eat all the inorganic garbage you want.

- What the hell are you doing here, worm boy? - Uh, Tee.

H-He's new, and he...

- Kinda stupid. - Whoa!

- Kinda stupid. - Whoa!

- Kinda stupid. - Whoa!

Whoo.

You gettin' big, Jeff. Boy, what you been eatin'?

Oh, you like jokes, huh?

Jeffrey.

Hey!

Aah!

All right.

Sweet dreams, big boy.

Aah! Aaah!

Whoo!

Ha-ha!

Sweet...

Big boy?

Transit Authority, people. Please move to the forward car.

We got a bug in the electrical system.

Yo! People!

We got a bug in the electrical system!

Oh, now you all runnin'. No, no, no, sit down. It's only a 6OO-foot worm.

Everybody out before I start knockin' heads here.

Put the hammer down on this thing.

I'm Capt. Larry Bridgewater, and I decide what happens on this train.

Oh, you decide? Oh. Okay, come here.

Larry? That's my man Jeff.

Larry just made a decision.

Yeah, Larry needs to take his ass in there. Yeah.

Don't make me do this, Jeff.

81st Street.

Just a second.

May I have your attention, please?

The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill.

Had this been an actual emergency, y'all would've been eaten.

'Cause you don't listen. You're ignorant.

How a man gon' come bashin' through a subway win...

That's the problem with all 'y'all New Yorkers... "Oh, we've seen it all."

"Oh, no, a 6OO-foot worm. Save us, Mr Black Man!"

I ask you nice, move to the next car. Y'all just sit there like...

Thank you for participating in our drill.

Hopefully you enjoyed our new smaller, more energy efficient subway cars.

Watch your step. You all have a nice evening.

I need the perimeter secured and a cleanup crew at 81st and Central Park West.

Revoke Jeff's movement privileges immediately.

Have a transfer team escort him back to the Chamber Street station.

And will somebody please check the expiration date on the Unipod worm tranquilizers?

Sorry, fellas. Station closed.

Emergency drill. For your safety.

Can you believe these putzes?

You're welcome.

I know. By the book.

Tee, when was the last time we just looked at the stars?

This is a test. I can do this.

You ever feel like you're alone in the universe?

Yes.

No.

Let me buy you a piece of pie. Really?

Thanks.

Hey, you're not alone in the universe.

Remove the arm. Okay.

Please shut up, Charlie.

Please shut up, Charlie.

Please shut up, Charlie.

I'm tired of you constantly talking behind my back.

I'm tired of you constantly talking behind my back.

You meet a beautiful girl, she's into it, and the best line you can come up with is,

"Wanna come back to my place for some tonsil hockey and egg salad?"

Whoa! W-Who are you, and how'd you get in here?

You like egg salad?

Serleena!

Why didn't you say... it was you?

I got your message.

Where's the Light? Here's the deal.

You been all over the universe looking for this Light thing, and we found it.

You want it? It's gonna cost you 5O mil. Here's how it's gonna work.

- First, you... - Where is... the Light?

We couldn't find the Light, but we tracked it to a guy who might know where it is.

He runs a pizza parlour on Spring Street.

Let's go.

And wipe your nose, idiot.

Hmm. Oh. Good pie.

Yeah.

Crowded.

Well, they got good pie.

Man, what is wrong with you? You're gonna neuralyze me.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

- You took me to a public place so I wouldn't make a scene. - You makin' a scene.

Look, let me ask you a question:

- Why did you join M. I.B.? - Six years in the Marines.

I like to serve. I like the action. Protect the planet.

You like being a hero? Then you joined the wrong organization.

You ever heard of James Edwards?

No.

Well, he saved the lives of about 85 people on the subway tonight.

No one knows he exists.

And if no one knows he exists, how can anyone ever love him?

[Continues Sobbing Loudly]

Hey, how long we been partners?

Feb 1. Five months, three days.

Started at noon. Nine hours.

Get married, have a bunch of kids.

Okay.

Excuse me, uh, my buddy's kinda shy,

but he thinks you are hot.

When people look at that plaque years from now, you know what they'll say?

"'Employee' is spelled wrong"? They charge by the letter.

People will say, "Imagine that.

A big shot like her used to work here."

Ben... You deserve it.

Bring up a case of Mountain Dew from the basement.

Hey, Bruno.

Two slices of pepperoni,

and any information you might have about the Light of Zartha.

Please, whoever you are, don't hurt me.

Light, Ben? I don't know.

Please let me down, ma'am.

I want to report a robbery...

There?

Noise?

Kitchen! Oh! Oh.

You idiots see anything?

Wind blew the door open.

Nothin' out of the ordinary.

For 25 years I've travelled the universe looking for it.

But it never left Earth, did it, Ben?

You kept it here. What are you talking about?

I'm running out of time.

- Where's the Light of Zartha? - I swear I don't know.

Listen, Zarthan, you hid the Light on Earth, and I will find it.

Once we have the Light, Zartha will be ours.

You're too late.

Tomorrow at midnight the Light will leave the third planet...

and be back home.

Sorry you made the trip for nothing.

Got nothin' out of him. Now we don't know if it's on Earth or not.

He said "third planet. " It's here, you idiot.

Third Rock from the Sun. I never got that till now.

It's on Earth,

and I know who's gonna tell me where it is.

Don't you ever go home?

Nope.

See you neuralyzed another partner.

Bee, Dee, next time you use a fission carbonizer,

put a submolecular de-atomizer on the barrel so it doesn't sound like a cannon.

Yes, sir. Hey, get some booties on them things.

You're crapping up the floor.

Check this Prionaesian's visa.

The Cephalopods have been making counterfeits down at Kinko's on Canal.