For Love or Money

Buy 12 at market, unload four at 90, dump the rest on Friday.

Now don't burn me, Albert. I'm on the line here.

Ten is break-even. I say 12.

Right. Nothing's impossible, Albert.

Impossible just takes a couple extra phone calls.

- We're standing still here, Eliot. -Yes, Mr. Ireland.

I don't like to stand still.

Anne, let me tell you what I need, flawless clarity, F-color or better.

Fifteen, 20 carats.

Just what you'd want if I were buying it for you.

Well, I'm rather fussy.

Cute.

A little young. Will you show me their parents?

Nice.

- Morning, Mr. Ireland. -Morning, Charlie.

Hello, Mr. Ireland. -Hey.

- Good morning, Mr. Ireland. -Good morning, Nora.

- Good morning. -Morning.

Nice to see you, Mr. Ireland.

I won't need that giraffe for about a half an hour.

- Take it out for a walk. -Very good, sir.

- Gloria, they're for you. I hope you like them. -(GASPS)

Oh.

They're beautiful.

- Thank you so much. -You like them, babe?

You're a doll. You're a great big Iovable doll.

Yeah? Yeah.

- Mr. Salvatore has exquisite taste. Huh?

Oh, oh. Thank you, uh, Dougie. Here you go.

Listen, it rained all weekend, so make sure you give them a good workout.

I'll take care of it myself, sir. I have a way with animals.

Dougie, are you the guy to talk to about them things?

Them things, Mr. Salvatore?

- Yeah, you know. Them things on the pillow. -Uh,haH?

Genie, get some more of them things!

Yeah, all right!

You know, them things on the pillow.

Initials.

Them things at night!

On the pillow!

- Mints! Pillow mints! -Yeah! Yeah!

- Them things. We like them. -Yes, of course. Why didn't I think?

Stupid. Yes. How many would you like?

- How many? A lot. A lot!

A lot, it shall be.

- You're a beautiful kid. -Enjoy your stay at the Bradbury.

- You're a doll. -You're a doll.

No, you're a doll.

- Easy, easy. Yo, yip. Come. -(BARKING)

- Make sure they make! -Right. Make.

So, you guys planning on seeing any shows while you're in town?

-(WHINING) -(BARKING)

AII right. Okay.

This is Steak Diane. You guys don't eat this, I will.

You eat all that up, you can have some of them things when you're done.

- Come on, man. I'm open, I'm open. -Pass! There it is!

Jump! Score! Yes, yes!

Whoo!

- Carmen, Carmen. Ambulate the canines. -What?

- Take the dogs for a walk. -Oh, of course, Mr. Ireland.

Ten dollars, Mr. Ireland?

Funny, I, uh, thought this was the Bradbury, but it must be Fat Harry's Motor Lodge.

Carmen, one day, you're gonna be a great concierge.

In the meantime, go get the biggest plastic bag you can find.

- And don't make fun of her hair. -(WHINES)

Those things aren't candy, Douglas.

I'm not gonna eat them all, ma'am.

Can I get change for that? I'm in kind of a hurry.

Now let's see.

58 cents out of $100.

It's $99.42.

A whiz kid. Let's just be sure.

- Could you just... -Uh, $99.42.

Does that look right to you?

You know, anywhere in that ballpark is gonna be fine.

I'm not fussy.

$19.42.

$99.42.

You know why I said $19.42?

You were trying to cheat me out of 80 bucks.

Iwas married in 1942.

You know, I read that in the Iibrary.

-(LAUGHING) -(REGISTER RINGS)

I was a war bride.

- Those were horrible, frightening days. -The war.

No, living with Mr. Vigusian.

-(COINS CLATTERING) -(EXCLAIMS)

- Just a minute. -(GROANS)

Yes, if he hadn't fallen off the Staten Island ferry,

Irving and I would now be married 50 years.

I said, "Irving, get away from the rail!"

Dougie?

Airport? Take the 59th Street Bridge definitely.

Look, Ahmed, I'm rather skeptical.

It's just that the last belly dancer you sent me

wasn't quite as slender as I would have hoped.

No, the word "belly" could have applied to any part of her anatomy.

It's not possible.

Ahmed. Ahmed, you're shrieking.

I have an open mind, Ahmed. It's just that a dancer should have legs.

Doug! Doug!

Do something!

Okay, Ahmed, I'II tell you what. Bottom line here.

You don't start treating me right, I'm taking my business to Gemal.

Yeah, I'm aware of the blood feud, Ahmed. I don't care.

Assalam-alaikum.

Milton.

Milton, the Ringos have been in their room for an hour.

We want it done right.

I keep telling you, two trips if you have to.

These people do not have the time to wait for you to build the pyramids.

Milton Glickman has never made two trips in his life and never will.

The Duchess of Windsor, 1948, 41 pieces, one trip.

John Barrymore, 1941,

38 pieces including Mr. Barrymore...

Drunk as a lord, one trip.

The Who, 1975...

Just get the bags to the room before they check out.

167 pieces. One trip.

I spoke to the union. You were wrong.

I am allowed to fire that senile old idiot.

Really? I didn't...

Did you speak to Miss Tantorelli at the Brooklyn office because...

I want him out.

Look, Mr. Himmelman, you can't fire Milton. He's been here forever.

A hotel is more than just facilities and amenities. It's...

Are you trying to tell me how to run a hotel?

No, sir. No, nein. Iwould never do that.

I'm just saying that the Bradbury's like a family.

It's a place where you have an eccentric old bellhop or a hotel manager that charges

thousands of dollars in personal long-distance phone calls to the hotel.

Doesn't mean we want that family member fired or in jail.

Because that would be upsetting to the family.

You understand what I'm saying?

Yes, you might be right, Doug.

Happens.

Hey, Vincent, what's happening in your sordid little world today?

Divorce court.

...to the most fabulous city in the world

and your idea of a second honeymoon

is sitting in a dark room, drinking a Diet Pepsi

and eating a tuna fish sandwich.

I'm just about ready to go, honey.

Where? Back to the room to watch Wheel of Fortune?

I came here to fall in love again.

AIl you want to do is fall asleep.

It was a very good sandwich. Thank you.

He's doomed, Dougie. The rube's marriage is doomed.

YeP-

Them hicks have difficulties,

when to plant things, which shirt to put on the scarecrow,

pressure builds up.

Well, there's nothing we can do about it.

"We?" Dougie, I'm just a bartender. You're the concierge.

Hey, he seemed like a nice guy.

Yeah, well, that nice guy left you a half a buck tip.

You save his marriage.

Dougie! You kept me and the missus out of divorce court!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

$16 for tuna fish?

Harry, will you stop talking about tuna fish?

Not when it costs more than my shoes. -There you are, sir.

- I have those tickets for you. -Tickets?

The tickets you called about.

Now I could only get fourth-row orchestra. I'm sorry.

Miss Saigon is very tough to get at the last second.

Also I made reservations for a late dinner at the Rainbow Room.

My friend Gigi, the maitre d', is expecting you.

And as per instructions, the hotel limo will pick you up at the theater.

Why, Sparky, you really had me going.

Oh, my God. I can't go to the Rainbow Room with my hair like this.

Ask for Kenneth. He does Ivana.

Thank you.

Well, you came through like a pro.

How'd you know?

I'm the concierge. I know everything.

You do yourjob very well.

She hasn't called me "Sparky" in a real long time.

Look, I don't know exactly how to do this, but...

Uh, look, don't confuse yourself with all these little denominations.

You wait until I'm the best friend you ever had.

Then you give me a tip so big,

it feels like passing a kidney stone.

OW. That bad, huh?

If I'm worth it.

-(PHONE RINGING) -Excuse me, Sparky.

Concierge.

Dougie, it's Jeanette Vigusian.

Yes, Mrs. Vigusian?

From the newsstand?

Yes, I know, Mrs. Vigusian.

Have you got a minute?

Uh, no, I don't.

You don't have a minute?

Yes, Mrs. Vigusian. I have a minute.

I thought so. Everybody has a minute.

Uh, Mrs. Vigusian...

What about settling down, Dougie?

Marriage, children...

Okay, l will. Thanks, Mrs. Vigusian.