The Voyeurs

("EYES WITHOUT A FACE" BY ANGEL OLSEN PLAYING)

Feels like I'm signing my life away.

No paint, no holes in the walls

and nothing can be suspended from the ceiling.

Curtains?

You know, Thomas, the owners don't rent to just anyone.

This is happening.

Wait, Pippa, don't move.

Can you please take our picture?

Thank you.

- Hey. - (PIPPA LAUGHS, SQUEALS)

- (THOMAS GROWLS PLAYFULLY) - (CAMERA CLICKS)

- (THOMAS HUMMING A TUNE) - (PIPPA LAUGHING)

- Hey, turkey. - Hey, chicken.

What's up?

Nothing much. What's up with you?

So, we're really gonna do this, huh?

- Seems that way. Yeah. - Yeah.

- It's a big step. - Huge step. Ooh.

It's really big, and if this doesn't work out...

- Ooh, woof. - It's gonna suck.

Maybe we should just call it off now.

Oh, yeah, maybe just, like,

- quit while we're ahead? Yeah. - Just-just, yeah.

- Nice meeting you. Yeah, ni... - Nice-nice-nice talking to you.

I'll take half of my stuff.

And I will take the other half of the stuff.

- Yep. That make sense? - (LAUGHS)

Babe...

this is our home.

I get to live here with you.

You don't. (CHUCKLES)

Not yet.

Right. Sorry, sorry.

Oh, what is this?

- It's chlorophyll water. - What?

Chlorophyll water. It's the secret to a long life.

I will stick to my gewürztraminer,

thank you very much.

Okay, well, stick to your "ga-ga-bosh-bana-miner."

Okay, wait.

I know we just moved in together,

but can we talk about kids?

- Kids? - Yes.

Like, it's really important that we have

- this conversation right now. - Okay.

Can we...

not have kids for at least four years?

- (PIPPA LAUGHS) - Yes. Geez...

- Yeah? - Yes. Hell yes.

- (LAUGHS) - Ugh.

- Hey, don't act so... - You scared the shit out of me.

Wait, but seriously, I was thinking about how

I basically spent my entire life in school, right?

As long as I've known you.

Yeah, like, you spent your early 20s

playing in some shitty punk clubs

and doing God knows what.

Drugs.

And I spent mine in the corner

of some stuffy medical library studying till 2:00 a.m.

- Right. - So I don't want some

gooey toddler to come along and just mess up

the last few years of being rebellious.

Yeah. You know what,

I-I've been thinking about rebellion, too, in my own way.

You're about to say something stupid right now.

No, no, I...

Well, you might think I'm un poco loco,

but I was thinking about taking up the accordion.

No. Really?

What-what are you talking about, then?

I want to wake up Sunday morning

with an awful hangover that reminds me

of all the terrible decisions I made the night before.

That is what I'm talking about.

I'm here for it. Hey, you deserve it.

You deserve all the hangovers in the world, Pippa.

- I do. - You do.

- I do. - Yes, you do.

To making wonderful, terrible decisions.

To wonderful, terrible decisions.

Come here.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Oh, check out those two.

What is he, like, a photographer or something?

Looks like it.

Wow.

You can see right in.

It's a nice pla...

Oh, oh, kissy kissy.

Aw, they're in love.

Mm, it's getting spicy.

Oh. Oh. Oh, that man is

taking off her clothes.

Um, Thomas...

That is happening.

Thomas. - What?

I don't think we should spy on our neighbors.

No, we're not spying. We're just...

looking outside our window, and they happen to be

in our field of vision.

- Oh, oh, oh! O-Okay.

They have to know that people can see in.

Exactly. - Like, they have to know that.

Have to know. Have to know.

Is he about to do what I think he's about to do?

Yep.

That is some good content.

Okay. Thomas, we're officially being creepy weirdos.

- Don't you agree? - No.

What? They-they want us to look.

But we'll stop because you want me to.

Thank you.

- It's our first night. - Right, right.

Let's give our new neighbors some privacy.

Oh, they're fucking now. Okay.

Thomas, come on, perv.

Okay, okay, okay.

Go get it.

Go get it, boy.

So...

I got you a little...

- Thomas? - (SNORING QUIETLY)

Babe?

: Thomas.

: Thomas.

Sex.

So, congratulations are in order.

(CHUCKLING) What'd I do? You, nothing.

Me, I'm on day three of a social media blackout.

No Insta, no Twitter.

Joni and I pledged to go an entire month.

Mazel tov, Ari. - Mm-hmm.

I just read that couples who decrease

their amount of screen time

can double or triple the amount of sex they have a month.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

Uh, but what do they look at when they masturbate?

Oh, my God, how is cohabitation going?

The weirdest thing happened last night.

- This couple, our neighbors across the way, - Mm-hmm.

They were totally doing it, and we could see right in.

Oof magoof. How ugly were they?

They're not. They were, like, gorgeous.

- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) So,

you pulled up a chair, popped some popcorn,

broke out the binoculars?

- No. - Why not?

Just because someone is allegedly allowing you

to look in on their lives doesn't mean it's okay to watch.

Hmm. Mm, you are 1,000% wrong about that.

It is entirely acceptable to look.

I mean, it sounds like they're exhibitionists.

Doubtful.

If they are exhibitionists, then watching them...

it's, like, the polite thing to do, Pippa.

I'll see you at lunch.

So long, creep.

You're gonna see so much better after this.

Just relax, okay?

I've done 40 of these a week for the past 20 years,

and well over half of them have gone right.

Just kidding, of course.

Cannula, please.

20 years.

Yeah, and I'm still trying to figure out

what I want to be when I grow up.

- (CHUCKLES) - (DEVICE BEEPING)

Okay.

In three, two,

- and... - (DEVICE BEEPING RAPIDLY)

Bonjour. Hi. This is Pippa from L'optique.

- Your glasses are ready. Pippa?

Uh, we're open till 6:00.

You're welcome. Bye.

What is this?

So, in Japan, birds are described as