black-ish

Look at all those sad dads.

Can you believe I'm the same age

as "Mr. I wear a cellphone holster out in public"?

The difference between me and them is that I've still got my swagger.

I may be days away from turning 40,

but age is really nothing more than a state of mind.

For me, I'm not getting older. Whoo!

I'm getting better.

Whoo! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Because I know exactly who I am.

And right now, that's someone who's in a lot of pain.

Why-y-y-y-y?!

Oh, my God! Baby boy, what happened?

Oh, come on. Come on. Get on my back. Let me carry you over to the couch. Come on.

Mama, look, I just rolled my ankle.

Ohh. My baby's bones are brittle.

Someone's been giving him skim milk.

- What... - You go sit down.

I'm gonna bring you a mug of half-and-half.

- Okay, Ma. - Oh, yeah.

Sweetheart, how many times do I have to tell you?

You are way too old to be playing basketball.

Ah, maybe you should tell that to the young bucks I whupped up on today.

Oh.

So, are those the same young bucks that carried you off the court

or the ones that drove you to the hospital?

Both.

I'm just saying, if you're gonna keep playing basketball,

I think you really need to play a less intense game,

maybe with more... Colins and Ethans

and less Maliks and Jamals.

Are you trying to tell me I belong in a white game?

Oh, I'm absolutely telling you that.

White game, Game of Whites.

Okay. Game of Whites.

Mm-hmm.

- Dad? - Hmm?

Grandma says you're falling apart 'cause mom isn't feeding you right.

Here is your half-and-half.

Oh, look at that. She put whipped cream on top of my half-and-half.

Poor old, old, old Dad.

- You're never gonna see me grow up. - What?

He's not even gonna make it through his birthday party next week.

I think you look good for your age, Dad.

Thank you, son. 40's not bad, right?

You're only 40?!

Good Lord! You've lived a hard life!

Why doesn't mom look terrible, like you?

'Cause mom was a child bride.

Ohhhhh!

You know, statistically, by the time you get to 40,

more than half your life is over.

All you've got left is that long, painful, downhill slide

toward the unforgiving black abyss of death.

- Whoa. - Guys, suddenly, this just got very real.

Let's go.

No. Don't look. Just walk.

That's enough shopping. Let's go home.

- Hey! What was that for?! - Hey! Come on!

- You broke my heart! - Really?

Guys! Your dad is turning 40.

Oh, yeah. We buried him on that one.

Yeah, but this is a huge deal. 40 is a milestone.

So no gift cards, no creepy kid-massage coupons,

and no macaroni footprints.

You couldn't have taken me aside for that one?

Okay, you need to get him something special.

- Like what? - Yeah, what does dad want?

You should not be asking me that. He is your father.

Figure it out.

Like now! Figure it out! Let's go.

It's a big deal, you guys.

- What? - You don't know what he wants, either.

You have no idea what your husband likes.

Like you do.

I absolutely do.

I breastfed him until he was 7.

Ugh. I did not need to know that, okay?

And trust me... I know what my man likes,

and I'm gonna get him something great, okay?

Well, I hope you can.

Is that a challenge?

Oh. I don't think it's a challenge.

I know it's not a challenge.

Well, then...

It ain't on.

No. It is not.

Sleep well.

- You also. - Thank you.

So, what do you guys think dad wants for his birthday?

I already got him something.

You spelled "Birthday" wrong.

I know. People think it's cute when I do that.

You know what... We should pool our money

so that we could get dad something really nice.

I'll start.

I have zero dollars.

All my money is in Diane's hands, and she won't tell me how much we have.

I feel like I'm going to come home one day and you'll be gone.

Pssh! What?!

That's crazy.

He's crazy.

Don't you ever put me on blast like that.

So... How much money do you have saved?

I mean, I don't have Diane money, but I'm okay.

Here's the thing, though...

What can we buy dad that he can't buy himself?

Yeah, you're right.

We should, like, make him something.

No. Something personal and meaningful.

And free!

I'm happy not to spend any of my money.

Sorry.

Our money.

So, my ankle was better,

but some people wanted to remind me

that I wasn't getting any younger.

- Hey, Dre. - Hey.

Hey, H.R. tells me you're turning the big 4-0, huh?

You doing anything special?

No, nothing special... Same as last year.

Hey, turning 40... No big deal.

I can't believe you're about to turn 40.

We thought you were, like, way younger.

Yeah, is it more offensive that I assumed that you started having kids as a preteen

or that I can't tell how old black people are?

Let me see. They're both pretty offensive. D-do I have to pick just one?

Hey, Charlie, can you tell how old Dre is?

Huh? Uh...

- About a week shy of 40? - That is settled.

Let's move on to some new business... Red Bull.

Oh, hey, I got some great ideas about that.

Oh, you know what? Actually, you've kind of aged out of that demographic.

You are gonna be my big dog on the Stool-Softener account.

- What?! - Yeah.

He said you're getting the Stool Softener!

Hey, Charlie.

- You're his big dog! - Yeah. Okay. Okay.

O... fellas, look,

advertising is about cool,

and in cool, black 40 is the white 25.

Y'all know I still got the most swag at this firm.

Ohh.

- Not since Curtis got here. - My assistant?

What?

- Here you go, boss. - Oh, thanks.

Now, I put butter in there instead of sugar and cream.

It's a little tip that I picked up while I was doing EDM Beats with this kid in Milan.

Namaste, fellas.

Ah. He's so cool.

- That guy's amazing. - He's so cool.

That is not cool.

Yeah, but what definitely is cool is that he, unlike someone else,

doesn't have to get colonoscopies on the company dime.

Although you probably should have gotten one already

'cause, in health, black 40 is like the white 75.

No, it's not! All right? I'm the healthiest I've ever been.

- You've been limping for years. - That's my stroll.

I-I've only had this limp for a week.

But I'm fine. You know what? You're lucky I don't have my basketball gear here,

'cause if I did, I'd take you out on the court and school all y'all asses.

- No. - I've got some gym clothes you can borrow.

What? Please.

By the way, you're working the hell out of them panties, Dre.

Yeah, well, you know, if anybody can work this, it's me.

Man, I can't believe these dudes think I'm old.

Let's just start again.

Yeah, well, look, you prove your point,

and then you get the hell on out of here, all right?

This is my white-guy group. You go get your own.

Charlie, I don't want your white guys, man.

Brad! What's happening?

I'm being for real here, Dre.

These white guys are my hookup to things that brothers can't get...

Nighttime dentists, hockey tickets, cure for AIDS,

that black seat on the space ark when the world ends.

- Hey, don't worry about it, man. - I don't know what you're doing now.

I'm just here to show these dudes

that I haven't lost a step since I'll be turning 40.

All right, guys, that's good.

Everybody, hey, time for a little roundball. Bring it in.

- Now watch me dominate. - Okay.

Ohh! Damn it! Ow! God!

- What's wrong, Dre? - Aw, I got a leg cramp.

Don't worry about it, man. I got a banana in my bag.

I'm just gonna sit here and let this potassium do its thing.

Okay.

Whew.

Mmm...

Mnh! Mnh!

Oh, God!

Aah!

Oh, God!

What's wrong, Dre?!

I'm dying!

Package for Ruby Johnson.

- Oh, thank you. - Yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes!

No. That's for me.

Very special gift for my very special boy.

And another for Rainbow Johnson.