The Outlaws

Slap Man Off The Phone by Tempa T

Bit nervous, this is my first time.

Not sexually, I mean, with a prostit...

..with a lady of ill-repute.

You got the money, love?

The money? Oh, yeah, sorry.

I find the evenings quite lonely since my wife left,

if you're wondering why...

Hurry up, love. I'd just quite like to get back to Match of the Day.

Oh, yes, sorry.

So what happens now? Do you...?

Oh, straight to it.

Was your business affected much by coronavirus?

Must be quite hard to do this when you're wearing a face maaaask?

Oh, that's tremendous.

Oh, well done.

That's... You've done that before.

Oh!

Open your window, sir.

Evening, officer. This is my wife.

What? If you're wondering who this lady is, is my wife.

We are happily married. Can I see your driving licence, sir?

Yep.

Just going to reach for it in the glove compartment.

I'm unarmed.

No, no, no. What are you...?

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I know a lawyer, if you need one.

Oh, no, thanks, I actually am a lawyer.

Really? But do you know a tyre guy?

Lara!

I know you've got another woman in there, Lara!

There's no-one here, Gabby. You know, if you're going to cheat on me

would you at least get your own fucking Spotify account?

I can see that you're on my Netflix and Chill playlist.

God! Before you met me, you thought Mumford and Sons

did furniture removals.

You're being mad.

Go home. Drink some water.

No, no, no, Gabby.

Shit, Gabby! No, I will call the police again.

They will arrest you!

Ooh, why darling?

I'm just issuing a public service announcement.

Lara Grant is a cheating SKANK.

Which service do you require?

Yes. Police, please.

How did he know I was going to be here?

Get off.

Does she put a rocket in your pocket?

What?

The girl you've been having a sneak at the last ten minutes.

Do you like her? She's just a friend from school.

Ask her out.

I can't just ask her out.

She's right there. With her friends.

So?

So, they might laugh at me.

Remind me why being laughed at is worse than dying a virgin.

I'm not a virgin.

No, and I don't have to get up six times a night to take a piss.

All right, I'll ask her out for you.

No. Please don't.

I'm only waiting while Mum takes my sister to class so that

you don't steal her car.

How's this?

Go tell it, you're having a party.

She and her friends are invited.

Mum doesn't let me have parties.

Let me worry about your mum.

Do it! Or forever wish you had.

Oop!

Well.

We need to have a party. You're an animal.

You're an animal.

There is.

Greggles, quick question, yep.

When they arrested you with that prossie,

did you come quietly?

Just a joke.

Thanks for taking it on the chin.

As you said, your prossie.

I mean, you're a lawyer, mate.

You're the one who's supposed to be charging 200 quid an hour to get people off.

No, chap, seriously, peace offering, got some intel for you.

I have been slipping Kingsley's secretary a length.

And she tells me that he and the partners are not happy with you.

What has she heard? That you are on your way out the door,

unless you win some fans upstairs sharpish.

Win some fans how? Oh, come, chap.

When they hired you as a solicitor,

they didn't think the only thing you'd be soliciting are prostitutes.

I mean, when is the last time you brought in a new client?

That was you? For kerb-crawling.

I was not kerb-crawling.

I got her number of the internet.

I'm just saying you better find a way to get yourself noticed

that doesn't involve being noshed off in a car park.

Hey, I don't know if you've heard, but I'm having a party,

and you're invited.

Beth, Louise and Cassidy said they would come.

No-one's coming to your shitty party.

There's going to be alcohol.

I can get alcohol any time I want.

My dad has got it hid all over the house.

No-one is coming to your party.

Make it quick because I'm rinsing this kid from China

and he's got to go bed soon.

So, we good?

What do you think, Spider? We good?

Look, I done my part, now you do yours.

My sister comes by, she ain't welcome.

All right. We good.

Yo.

Any trouble?

No. No trouble.

Hey, bud!

I'm cancelling the party.

Why?

No-one wants to come.

I have to ask you something.

Are you a nerd?

What? No. Why would you say that?

You dress like one.

You're 70 years old, what do you know about fashion?

Nothing. And I still know you dress like a nerd, which should worry you.

Why are you being mean? I'm not being mean.

I'm helping. Can you magically make me cool? Yes.

How?

You're going to have a famous person at your party.

What? Who?

So apparently, since I started community payback,

sales and hi-vis tabards are through the roof.

Oi! Now... Eyes off the cellphone, nose to the grindstone.

Eh, keep sweeping.

Yeah, but really look.

I mean, we trashed an entire economy,

so the old people in care homes didn't die of coronavirus.

But how long did they have left, really?

You know? I mean, 400 billion in debt

so that Nana gets one extra year watching Bargain Hunt?

I mean, who's bankrolling this, by the way?

You know? I'm all about standing there applauding nurses.

That's fine. But how about a round of applause for the higher rate taxpayer?

Right?

Hey.

You know, that, like, line that they made you steal? What was that?

What the hell were you thinking? What?

You could have got one of us killed! Why are you even there?

To help. Yeah, but I didn't ask for your help. But you needed it.

You don't know me or my life.

Just stay out of it.

Lunch, 30 minutes.

Sashimi? I don't eat raw fish.

Have you ever tried it? No.

Then how do you know you don't like it?

I've never shoved a cucumber up my arse, but I'm pretty sure

it's not my thing. Only pretty sure.

Raw fish, the healthiest protein you can eat.

When I was in Japan, all I lived on for two months was sashimi

from Tokyo Fish Market.

I was as light as an otter.

That's a haunting image. OK.

Come on. Bonding exercise.

Everyone has to share one secret with the group.

OK, who wants to start?

OK, right. I will.

I have pretty much completely ruined things with my girlfriend,

but she has agreed to meet me later.

Now I know that I still have a long way to go to make-up

for what I did, but I'm working on that.

Someone did once say, "There is no challenge more challenging"

"than the challenge to improve yourself." Mm! So, yeah.

Well, wish me luck. Good luck. All the best. Thanks, guys.

Good luck. Good luck with that.

Come on, John. What's your secret?

You're a bunch of convicted criminals.

Why would I be sharing my secrets? Angry I even told you my name.

Frank, what's your secret?

I first come to England in 1971.

I told people it was a vacation,

but I was dodging the draft. What's that?

In America, there was a lottery conscripting men for Vietnam.

So I come here, married a wonderful woman and I kept my head down.

So you never went to Vietnam?

Not until 1994.

I went on my terms.

Chris, tell us something we don't know about you.

Unlike Frank, I've never been on a plane before.

Never been further than Weston-super-Mare.

You have to travel, son.

You have not lived until you've drunk rum with fishermen

on a trawler in the Bay of Bengal.

I once drank Tia Maria with a greengrocer on the Isle of Wight.

That count?

OK, Myrna, tell us something people don't know about you.

I was one of the people who tore down that statue of Edward Colston.

Wow. So you're a vandal?

No, I just don't believe in memorialising slave traders.