The Driver

Jesus!

- All right, Vince? - You all right, Reg?

So, what, the Black Swan?

Ah, no.

- Grapes tonight, lad. - Allright.

I'm hearing the barmaid's had a boob job.

- There you go. - Ah, ta!

Oh... Oh, I'm sorry.

Vince?

I've forgotten to empty me bag.

Tip it down that drain for me, will you, please?

You're a good man.

Come in, three-five, three-five.

Hey, we're here.

We're here.

Hey, mate.

Hey, mate. Come on, we're here. We're here now.

Come on, buddy.

We're here.

Come on.

Come on, mate. I haven't got time for this. Come on, let's go.

Yeah?

He fell asleep in my cab.

Did he? You know why?

Cos he's a useless piece of shit.

It's £10.60.

Great.

Morning.

Morning.

For my birthday, can I have driving lessons?

Do you know how much that costs?

Yeah. 20 quid an hour.

I've told you, eh? I'll teach you.

What, in your grotty taxi? Don't think so!

That's gratitude for you, innit?

Suzie's parents got her lessons, and she passed first time.

Good for Suzie. I'm glad you've got

such rich friends to constantly compare yourself to.

What's the exam today, then?

- French. - French, eh?

Bonne chance.

You Googled that.

I did go to school, you know.

Yeah. French must come in really handy as a cab driver.

Don't forget, we're going bowling tonight,

and Mum said I can bring a friend.

Ow! Argh!

Shit!

Tinned cherries?!

Tinned...! Oh...

You missed a bit.

You scored 14.

14?

I need 15 before I could comfortably prescribe medication for you.

So what you're saying, I'm one point shy of depression.

Is this about Tim?

No, it's about me.

Vince...

Pills... it's not always the answer.

No?

What is?

- *No. She said "friend". - He is her friend.

No, he looks like a tosser.

Why does she always pick... wide boys, eh?

Cos the sensible ones are less fun.

£32.90.

How much?

£32.90.

I'm in the wrong business, aren't I?

Ah, look at him. He's all over her.

They're teenagers. Stop being so old-fashioned.

What, it's old-fashioned not to want some prick feeling up my daughter?

Have you got a fiver?

Ah, look at that!

Come on. Let's get over there.

- Thanks. - Please cheer up, will you?

Have a nice day.

Yeah, alright.

Hook a left.

I could get used to this, my own personal driver.

You think I'm a prick?

- What are you on about? - You. All night.

- No respect, taking the piss out of me. - Doing what?

I'm your girlfriend's father, that used to count for something.

When was that ? When the war was on?

Get out.

- I'm nowhere near... - Get out my car!

- C ome in, three-five, three-five. - Piss off.

Vince, can you hear me, three-five...?

What?

Can you do the Bull's Head, near Piccadilly Station?

No, I'm miles away.

He's asked for you personally.

- Who has? - No idea. Name's Colin.

Can you give me an ETA?

Can you hear me, three-five?

20 minutes.

Col?

Vincent McKee!

- I thought you were... - Yeah, I was. I just got out.

- How long? - Uh, six stretch.

Six!

Do you know they don't let you smoke in pubs no more?!

I know.

- Anything else changed? - Well, City are good now.

- Mad, eh?! - Look at you!

- So, what? Do you want to, er... - Yeah, yeah.

How did you know I was still on the cabs anyway?

Well, you know, it's not like you were

going to suddenly become a brain surgeon or something.

Besides, I didn't have your mobile number.

- How's the lovely Ros? - Yeah, she's great.

Still doing that job where she asks people shit all day?

Market research, it's vital work, I'll have you know!

- Oh,yeah. - Tinned cherries this week.

Really.

She hates it, to be fair.

She gets her kicks running marathons now.

- Marathons? - Yeah, yeah. She's really good at it.

She's done nine already.

She loves it. She goes all over the world.

- Berlin this year. - Nice city, Berlin.

- You been? - Twice.

Once with me mum to Lichtenberg,

and the second time was a sex party in Spandau.

Which was the best?

Spandau shaded it, but I didn't get as much sightseeing done.

It's late. Is she expecting you?

Not unless she's clairvoyant.

You didn't tell her you were coming out?

You know me mum.

If it doesn't come with ice and lemon,she's not interested.

What happened to Sarah?

We kept in touch. I'll go round there tomorrow,

make my play.

There's a room at ours, you know. I mean, we could...

..have a drink and... Like old times.

Old times.

- I want him out of here. - He's my friend.

Friend! You haven't seen him in years.

We grew up together.

You haven't seen Heidi for years but she's still your friend.

Heidi is not a criminal.

It's a bit of stealing, you know.

He's not like a mass murderer, is he?

- He's an armed robber. - Shh!

And he's been in prison and he's served his time.

So unless he's got a Kalashnikov down his trousers,

- I think we're all right. - I want him out of here.

Tough.

Shit!

So, what are you going to do now you're out?

I haven't a clue.

Join the rat race, like the rest of us?

Yeah, I suppose, yeah. Something like that, yeah.

See, my problem is I've always wanted excitement.

I look at ordinary people's lives, getting up early,

having some boss to answer to, and having to talk shit with

Julie from Accounts, and I just think, "Nah, you're all right."

- You've had a good run, though, eh? - What?

I had the greatest life, and then you get banged up,

and all of a sudden you've got plenty of time to think about stuff.

I've got no life.

I've got no kids, no... no house to call me own.

I should have just been like you, just been normal.

Yeah, well, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

You know, people puking in my cab,

getting abuse, you know, people arguing

because the meter starts at two quid.

And then I get home and...

What?

No, it's just, er, we've been married a long time, you know?

I'm bored. Well, it's boring anyway.

Sometimes I feel like just putting my foot down

and go charging into the nearest wall.

Maybe I'll take the bus next time, then, eh?

And the worst bit is, you know, there's no sign of it changing soon.

Oh, here you are.

- Hi. Sit down. Hiya. -Hiya. - Hi. Hi!

Tinned cherries, is it?

Please don't talk to the samplers.

- Where is he? - Who?

Oh, don't play games with me, Vince, I haven't got the time.

- Where's the criminal? - I sent him home.

Good. Thank you.

Promise me one thing, if he contacts you again, tell him

- we don't want him in our life. - Sure, yeah.

If you promise to do the same to your sister.

Hi! Right...

All right?

Tea?

Aw, what? You're a life-saver.

How was that, all right?

Yeah, you know what, surprisingly comfy.

Mind you, compared to prison it's like The Ritz.

And she kept me company.

- You haven't, have you? - Might have stroked it, yeah.

What's all this art doing here anyway?

It's Tim's.

Oh, right.