Kelsey Cook: Happy Hour

Ladies and gentlemen, Kelsey Cook.

You guys! Okay.

It's too much.

Oh God.

That was so nice. Oh! What's up, Twin Cities?

- - Hi.

Oh my God. Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight.

Uh, this is the first time I've ever shot a special in the place I live.

- -So this is… This is amazing.

Thank you guys so much for being here.

Uh, I decided to do a big thing.

I chopped 13 inches of my hair off.

-And, um, I've… Thank you. -

I have learned that when you have short hair,

you have to wear a full face of makeup.

Or else you look like a small French boy.

Every morning now when I wake up and look in the mirror,

I'm like, "Oh, hello, Pierre."

-Bonjour. -

I was so delusional.

I saw a picture of Rihanna with short hair.

I showed my hairdresser, and I was like, "I want to look like Rihanna."

-I wish she would have just said, "Hey." -

-"You won't." -

"You're not a haircut away…

…from looking like a pop star from Barbados."

"You're from Spokane."

"You're gonna look like the Quaker Oats guy."

He's like, "Rihanna has neck tattoos."

-"You wear a night guard." -

"You're worlds apart."

Some people don't like my short hair,

and all of them are old men on Facebook.

Yeah. Love to let me know

that I've really bummed out some dusty boners.

You're not thrilled with me.

I had a guy tell me to my face he didn't like it.

He came up after a show and goes,

"Ah, shouldn't have cut your hair."

-And he was bald! -

I was so confused.

I was like, "Are you mad because I got to fire my hair

and yours just quit?"

Come at me, Dale.

No.

I know Rihanna's an impossible goal to reach in every way.

She's also a fashion icon.

I feel like my style has only gotten worse with age.

I just turned 36. May as well have turned 72.

Most of the clothes I wear

make me look like I have birdseed in my pockets.

It's a lot of long shawls.

Because clothing stores aren't for women in their thirties.

The stores now are either for Gen Z,

where you walk in and they're selling micro skirts.

That's literally what they're called. They're four inches long.

They cover nary an anus.

I can't buy clothes that require a full Brazilian wax.

I'm trying to run to Home Depot without my taint catching a breeze.

-It's like… -

It's crazy.

So it's either that or it's just stores for Diane Keaton.

There's nothing in between.

And look, do I want to dress like Diane Keaton in 30 years?

Hell, yeah.

But right now, I'm not ready to go to brunch in a magician's cape.

It's… It's too soon.

You know where I have to buy most of my clothes now? Amazon.

-You guys buying clothes on Amazon? -

Who knew that that would become our new American Eagle?

We love it.

But it's never really like a show-stopping look from Amazon.

Nobody's seen me in something from there and been like…

…"Oh my God, where'd you get your dress?"

Uh, the same place I bought my printer.

And my cat's litter box.

Same package.

I don't think it's entirely my fault that I have bad fashion.

Spokane is not a well-dressed city.

Okay, I don't know if you've been through. It's the blind leading the blind.

It's a lot of camo,

a lot of women in shirts that say, "It's wine o'clock somewhere."

People just go to the strip club there and make it rain Kohl's Cash. You're like…

We got a little bit of a Kohl's crowd, huh?

Listen, I love a Sonoma nightie.

Oh, please.

Bury me in Sonoma.

I did splurge recently and buy one of the Oura Rings.

You guys seen the Oura Rings?

All right. It's like the new Apple Watch. It tracks your sleep and your movement.

But sometimes it will try to guess what activity you just did.

So I wore it when I had sex with my boyfriend,

and I got a notification from it on my phone that said,

"Hey, did you just do some light walking?"

I was like, "Fuck you!"

I am bringing the heat in there.

Put some respect on my name.

I would be devastated if my boyfriend described sex with me

as a brisk jaunt.

What the hell?

But you can go in and correct the app's guess.

So I, uh… I just changed it to horseback riding.

I'm using my hips, it counts.

Because sex isn't even an option on the app, which I think is dumb.

I live here in Minnesota. In the winter, sex is the only exercise I get.

I'll be shivering looking at my boyfriend like,

"Why are you outside of me right now?" Fucking…

Let's do some light walking.

Let's warm it up.

You know what some of the exercise options they do list are? Hula-Hoop.

I'm like, "That's just air sex."

It's like a neutered dog that still humps.

Stupid.

One of the other exercise options, I swear to God, is musical instrument.

I'm like, if somebody's ripping clarinet so hard

that it registers as a workout, get that guy a Hula-Hoop,

'cause that's as close to real sex as they're gonna get.

- Whoo! -

I'm just still bitter about the light walking.

That's all that is.

And then I stopped, and I really thought about what I do during sex.

And I was like, I do mostly just lay there.

Light walking was actually a pretty generous suggestion.

Kind of surprised it wasn't like, "Did you just take a fitful nap?"

We can tell you're laying down, but you're kind of squirrelly.

Maybe you ate too close to bedtime, huh? Is that what?

You know how synchronized swimmers,

they're on their back, but their legs are like…

Yeah, that's the sort of stellar energy I'm bringing… …to the event.

Some women really are doing the most in bed.

I mentioned on my last special

that there's this porn star named Adriana Chechik

who went to the dentist and had him file down her back molars

so that she could make room for bigger things.

A god amongst mere mortals.

My boyfriend's lucky if I shave above the knee.

She is the GOAT, okay?

When I heard that,

I assumed that was happening exclusively in the porn community,

but I told that joke about her in Omaha, and a woman came up to me after and goes,

"Oh my God, it's so funny you told that joke."

"I'm a dental hygienist,

and I just had one of my coworkers do the same thing to me."

Yeah.

She just… She took the sharp points off so I don't poke my man.

You know what I mean.

-I was like, "No." -

"No, I don't know what you mean. I can't relate to you on this."

I don't want this to become the new standard for women.

I'm like, "Look, I want to do as good a job down there as the next lady,

but I also want to be able to chew a steak."

We've got these women walking around with flat teeth,

like a brontosaurus.

I'm just eating leaves and dick.

I mean, that is an unsustainable diet.

We gotta get you some jerky or something.

I went on stage in Omaha the next night and was like, "I need some of you to know

that your dental hygienist is into some freaky-ass shit."

Oh my God.

If I knew my dental hygienist was that committed to giving head,

I'd be like, "Hey, you know what?"

"Today, how about we take some time and clean out your mouth?"

A little people helping people here.

Let's find a pressure washer.

Get in there.

So my boyfriend's name is Chad.

-Uh. -

I know some of you know him.

Uh, he's also a comic.

We've been together for a few years, and you could not find

two more different people on the planet than me and him.

He has the worst road rage of anybody I've ever met.

Make some noise if you're in a relationship

with somebody with road rage.

Did you notice how there was a moment of hesitation?

'Cause they're like,

"He's sitting right next to me, and he's so fucking scary."

"I don't wanna… upset him."

I appreciate your bravery.