Orphans

What's that for?

Cut some hair to put in Ma's coffin.

What for?

So part of us stays with her.

We did that at Dad's.

I don't recall.

We did.

You don't need to. I just think it's good to do.

Says we're still a family.

Even after death.

I want to kiss Mum goodbye.

Sshh, it'll be all right. There's nothing to be frightened of.

Just cuddle in, that's it.

It'll pass, don't worry. It'll pass.

Sshh. Just think of something nice.

That's it.

That's it. Nothing to be frightened of.

Just cuddle in.

It'll pass. Don't worry, it'll pass.

Just think of something nice.

That's it.

the neighbours must've thought there was a fire

a policeman started laughing loud when I came back again

cos at my side was Doctor MacIntrye

you can come and see the baby if you care to call

he's lying by his mammy in the wee white shawl

he likes to keep 'em swanky a dumpling in a hanky

we're gonna call him William Angus Jimmy St John McGull

we've got a baby in the house I am his daddy-o

Not bad, eh?

Don't you just love me?

Frank just became a daddy. A round of applause.

Well done.

Let's continue to enjoy ourselves. All join in.

When's your exams? -Next week.

Next week? Fuck.

How'll it go? -Don't know.

Don't fucking care.

Come see the baby if...

All right big man?

Look at that. Isn't he fucking beautiful?

Got some change for condoms?

You don't want that rubbish.

Ride bareback. Get yourself hundreds of babies.

Right, big man? -Aye.

Got any weans? -Two.

Two, hear that? This cunt's got two. -Come on.

I love you, big man. Fucking love you. -Old poof.

You might well be right.

At least I don't wear poky hats.

Am I right or what?

All I'm saying, we should all just love every cunt, right?

That's my motto.

First time singing here. A big hand...

Large vodka & coke on ice.

I'd like to dedicate this to my mother...

who sadly died of a heart attack the day before yesterday.

The funeral service is in Holy Cross Church tomorrow at 10...

so if anybody'd like to come... -The man lost his mother...

so get that stupid smile off your face.

Same for you lot.

if I could make a wish -Bottled coke with your vodka?

Where you sitting?

I'll bring them over.

can't think of anything I need

no cigarettes

no sleep, no light, no sun

nothing to eat

no books to read

making love with you

has left me peaceful, warm and tired

what more could I do

there's nothing left to be desired

peace came upon me

and then leaves me

asleep

Watch your mouth.

Michael.

Thomas.

What's going on?

Sorry.

Sorry, really sorry.

Why'd we get tossed out?

Get the prick in there.

Bunch of pricks. -Come on.

What did I do?

All I said is we should love each other. -Yeah, not tonight, mate.

Get fucking back there and tell them.

You all right, man?

Fucking got him.

Oh fuck. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I've been fucking stabbed. Jesus. Oh my god.

Well done, Michael, well done.

That was really clever. Really fucking bright.

You stupid cunt.

I can't fucking believe it.

He what? -Cunt stabbed me.

I'm gonna kill that greasy bastard.

We'd better get you to Casualty. Whoa, Taxi.

The Infirmary.

What's with him? -Just not feeling good.

Bleeding? You'll have to go. Not on my seats.

OK if I bleed out the window?

Just take us there.

Sorry, can't have blood on the seats. And no smoking.

Stick your fucking taxi.

Fucking happy now? Prick.

It's all right, Michael, we'll get another taxi.

Michael, where're you going?

Do you live with your sister?

Aye, I'm Sheila's guardian. The carer.

Now that my Ma's gone.

I'm glad I was able to tell her before she died.

I think she passed peacefully knowing Sheila's looked after.

Mind you, it's not an easy job. I cared for my mother for nearly 20 years.

My God. 20 years. If you don't mind me asking, when did your mother die?

She's not dead. She's in a home now.

I couldn't really manage any more.

What age is your Ma? -82.

But still sharp as a tack.

Her legs and bowels are gone now.

What age was your mother?

then throw the bugger off the boat

What the fuck?

You gonna get laid? -Margaret's a nurse.

Who's Margaret? -A friend.

Coming in? -Am I, fuck.

Wait out here. -No. They'll think I'm a sad cunt.

Get you at the corner.

You the nurse? -Do I look like one?

Only asked, for fuck's sake.

It's a while since I've done this.

Gonna get in trouble with me here? -No, we're all right.

Not too tight? -No, that's fine.

It feels all right.

What are you doing after this?

I don't know.

I've got as far as here.

Sorry about your Ma.

Hold that.

What the fuck? Come on.

All right.

See what you've done to my jacket?

You soaked us, blind old prat.

What do you say?

Deaf and blind? -Leave him alone.

What? -Leave the old guy alone.

You wanna be first? Come here.

You stay there.

Come here.

Oh here, get back with my jacket.

Oh, my jacket.

That was a good jacket.

What are you doing, you crazy bastard? -What did you call me?

You nearly got killed. Off the road.

You get out the fucking road.

Think you're a bigshot.

Think you're a fucking bigshot. -Come on.

It's a bus, cunt. Gonna take on a bus?

I'll take them all on. -What's up with you? Just calm down.

When you put a hatchet in Duncan's head.

Man, you talk rubbish. I'm won't put a hatchet in anyone's head.

It was my fault. I shouldn't have gone for him, but I did.

I'll deal with it. It's got fuck all to do with you.

He may have done me a favour. -What's that?

Industrial injury. If I claim it happened at work I could get ten grand.

That all you think of? Money?

Gonna give Duncan chocolates? -No, flowers.

You may not give a fuck about our family. But I do.

That cunt stabbed my brother. I'll get him for it.

Yeah, he's really scared of you.

College boy. -Fuck you. I only did that for my Ma.

And she's gone now.

Well, isn't she? -Aye, she is.

Right, so now I can do whatever I like. Who's gonna stop us, eh?

Who?

I'm gonna kill Duncan.

Do you see?

Nobody gives a fuck.

You better get up the road, Michael.

I hear there's a storm coming.

We're here for you, Ma.

I, Thomas, eldest son is here for you.

So too is Sheila. Third eldest and only daughter.

Your sons Michael and John got into a fight in a pub.

And we don't know where they are.

But we are here for you.

God bless you.

Would you like to add anything?

Oh man, I wish we'd got some crisps. I'm starving.

Prawn crackers. -Oh, sorry.

Great. Bye.

All right, Tanga?

Fuck's sake, John.

How you doing? Long time no see, bud.

Sorry about your Ma.

She were a fine woman, Auntie Rose. -Tanga.

Coming.

Here for a carry out? -No, came in to see you.

All right.