With Honors

It's 7.:00 a.m., children, and you're listening to Radio-Free Harvard...

...on a chilly November morning.

You're at the greatest university on Earth, and you know what?

You're in over your head. You're drowning.

Especially you seniors.

Only 150 days before your thesis is due and the powers that be decide...

...whether you're destined for greatness or mediocrity.

I know what you're thinking.

Do I really belong here?

Probably not. But don't give in.

Don't give up.

Arise, fair Harvard.

Arise.

You too can rule the world.

You just have to crush everyone else first.

A little crushing music, Maestro.

All right guys, let's go!

You can do it. Keep going!

Keep up the pace! Nice and neat!

Ignore him!

Move it! Let's go!

Very funny, Monty!

Now, here's something to crow about.

I've got a great cock, don't I?

You see, last night, a Radcliffe sophomore saw a ghost...

...looking remarkably like Walt Whitman in Widener Library.

America's greatest poet haunting the stacks, eh.

The Cliffie is undergoing intense debriefing by the English department.

They better hurry.

Weather tells us that 10 inches of the white shroud is scheduled for tonight.

I'm Everett Calloway.

Now you hear me. Now you....

Your father called and wants you to call him back.

What's up with Father?

Marrying my sister, perhaps.

He mumbled something about your being overdrawn...

again!

I thought he was a patriot. Doesn't he believe in deficit spending.

Lord Montague!

You're looking very grim and formal this morning.

You trying to pass for a Yalie?

I've got a meeting with Pitkannan.

Oh, no. Not about the thesis!

- Feeling confident? - Feeling nauseous.

This one here.

Oh, God.

I know her. I've been with her.

First paragraph, Mr. Kessler.

Let's hear it.

''Chapter 1.''

From memory.

Yes, sir!

I don't know whether that denotes hard work, or...

...unseemly vanity.

Stand up!

Stand up?

I like a substantial target.

''Chapter 1.

''The Bottomless Well of Need.

''The noble and ambitious assumption of the government of the United States...

''...is that the needs of a diverse population can be fulfilled.

''The dream of a melting pot has become a cauldron of inflexible minorities...

''...and the hopelessly unemployable.

''The solution is to leave the complexities of modern government...

''...to the political expert.

''And to rethink our naive faith in the wisdom of the people.''

A good beginning.

Leave your chapter.

And if the rest of your thesis is as intelligent as you are...

...you are certain to graduate summa cum laude...

...and that will be the beginning...

...of a brilliant career.

Thank you, Professor Pitkannan.

Do you think Helga is a voluptuous Saint-Emilion...

...or a buttery Chardonnay?

You mean, Helga with the coils. Works over at Kinko Copy?

That's her. What do you think.

What do I think?

Bud Light.

That's not funny.

I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't demoralize my crew.

Face it, you're just not a leader of men.

- Very funny. - Then be a model.

- How'd it go? - How'd what go.

The big meeting with the god of your idolatry.

With Pitkannan?

It went great.

Rah.

Can't you stay?

The best never rest.

- I hate him. - He is a tad compulsive.

He has to be. Harvard's not his inheritance.

It's true.

Harvard doesn't have any standards left.

They let in anyone who's bright.

I'm worried about him.

Poor guy's the pet of a Nobel Laureate.

Pitkannan spends more time on Nightline than in lecture.

He's a celebrity, not an intellectual.

He'll still get Monty into graduate school and set him up for life.

For life.

Sounds like a death sentence.

What the hell was that?

Your hard drive is fried.

I got ten chapters printed.

You've done ten chapters already?

I'm going to get Xeroxes.

- Wait until morning. - It's my only copy.

Are you afraid someone will steal it?

I can't take any chances. This is my life.

I know you worked really hard, but it's not your life, Monty.

- I'm going with him! - Good!

Monty, wait up!

I didn't ask you to tag along.

You're welcome, you bastard!

Face it, Courtney, you can't keep up with me.

Monty, are you okay?

What're you doing?

God. It's down there.

In the boiler room?

I got to get into Widener.

Widener is closed. Wait till the morning.

I can't wait till morning!

You're hurt.

Would you like my help getting in?

Since you asked so nicely....

Come on.

- Through the front door? - Yes, through the front. I know the guard.

Hi, Chuck.

Courtney. It's kind of late. You okay?

Yeah. I was here earlier and I think I misplaced my wallet.

I was wondering if anyone turned it in?

I don't remember anybody bringing in a wallet but...

...let me take a look.

I found a hat here and...

...a scarf...

...and a banana.

What color was that wallet?

It was green. Alligator green.

Alligator green. That's kind of spiffy.

Don't!

Calm down!

It's mine!

That's all I want. It's important.

It belongs to me.

Finders keepers, losers weepers.

Don't you knock before coming into someone's home?

- It's not worth anything. - Why do you want it then?

How much?

- How much? - Yeah, how much?

- Got a check. - Is it a certified check.

How about a six-month CD? You got one of those.

I need something I can chew.

Okay. You want food?

I'll bring you some. Then you give me that.

What size underpants you wear?

Excuse me?

I could use a new pair of underpants.

I'll bring you underpants. Just don't burn any more pages.

I'll bring you underpants and you'll give me my thesis.

Your thesis?

Is that what this piece of shit's supposed to be?

- What's it supposed to be on, Harvard? - Government.

Government.

I didn't recognize you! You're Dan Quayle!

You came back to finish your education.

Okay, Harvard. You study government, so this should be easy.

You want something, I need something.

Go get me a glazed doughnut.

A glazed doughnut?

Make sure the glaze is not all broke.

And your underpants?

What about my underpants?

Clean underpants too! That's right!

- Great. Glazed doughnut-- - Pristine, glazed doughnut.

Pristine, glazed doughnut and underpants. Okay?

What do I get?

Well, for each thing you get, I'll give you one page.

- A chapter? - No.

A page is a thing!

A chapter is a whole lot of things.

There are 88 pages in that thesis.

There are 83 pages now.

Looks I like I found a way to live through the winter, Harvard.

I hope you got it. I just went through two years of Lost and Found.

You didn't get it.

All right, all right. Let's get you to the infirmary.

Perfect.

Glaze is almost perfect.

There's no point.

- Who are you calling? - University cops.

No, let's negotiate. How much cash do we have?

He can't eat money.

Doesn't money buy food?

Helga, you're brilliant!

I love you.

He's probably schizophrenic.

Most homeless are schizophrenics.

I have $50.

I can't pay you back soon.