Last Man Standing

Oh. Oh, boy. Look at that.

- You know, this-- this-- - Yeah, it's--

You know, "tax the rich." Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

This world.

Do not get me started.

Hey, guys, guys, look. That coyote's in the yard again.

Really? Yeah.

Dad, he looks hungry.

That's 'cause he hasn't caught the road runner yet.

Can we feed him? Oh...

No, we can't feed him. You don't feed wild animals.

Yeah, your dad's right.

Could be dangerous.

Oh, but look. He's all alone out there.

- Honey! - Can't we just give him a bowl of milk?

- Just a little-- - No! How about getting a bowl of milk,

Put some cereal in it, and bring it back to dad here? How about--

Coyote's leaving.

Wait. Coyote?

Oh, my God! Has anybody seen the dog? Muffin!

Muffin!

- Dad? What if that coyote got Muffin? - Huh?

The coyote did not get Muffin. Well, how do you know?

Because there would be bits of Muffin out there.

- Mom. - Oh, honey, that isn't reassuring.

But it paints a picture, doesn't it?

Everybody! I have news.

Terrence and I are celebrating our one-month anniversary.

- Of what? - (Singsongy) Of love, that's what!

No, no, no. No. No, no, no. Mandy, nobody likes the song!

Nobody wants to hear the song!

Someone hit "mute"!

Wow, a month. That's 30 days in a row.

I know! Yeah.

I really like him!

- He's smart and sophisticated, and he's so into me. - Mm.

He says I remind him that life doesn't have to be complicated.

When-- when do we get to meet this boy?

Yeah, how about never? Dad wouldn't like him.

Oh, of course not. Dad doesn't like

Any of our boyfriends. He likes your boyfriend.

Yeah, that's because he's my boyfriend's boss,

And he enjoys that control.

No, I think it's because he has a fear of being replaced.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

It's because he likes being our rescuer,

And when there are other men in the picture,

That role is threatened.

But-- but I think he also feels guilty

About how he was away so much.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Plus he doesn't want

- To have to pay for three weddings. - Mm-hmm.

Last Man Standing - S01E20 Animal Wrongs

Original air date March 20, 2012

Wow. Where did this guy come from?

He was hanging around the dumpster,

So I gave him three warnings and then, pow!

Mike snagged him from a private collection.

This grizzly was bagged by Teddy Roosevelt himself.

He was a great hunter and a big nature lover.

Yeah. Look at him.

Look at him-- fierce and powerful.

I think I'll call him Ed.

You already named the snow leopard Ed.

Yeah, well, it's my store.

I can call the track lighting Ed if I want.

You guys do whatever you want,

- But this is a great piece of American history. - Yeah.

Um, Mr. Alzate? Yeah?

Speaking of history, just for fun,

I signed up with one of those online companies

That look up who your ancestors are,

- And-- - Uh, just for fun, I'm walking away.

No, wait. It turns out I'm Basque, like you.

I mean, my ancestors.

Are you sure?

Yeah. A small region between France and Spain.

Weird language. History of persecution.

Mm-hmm. That's us!

That's us! How about that?

My little Basque brother. Come here.

I always knew there was something noble about you.

And yet you never spoke up. Yeah.

I have so much to teach you.

Like what?

To begin with, my family's secret salt cod recipe.

What's the secret?

It's chicken.

Come on.

Hey, honey. Hi.

You waiting for Terrence?

Uh, yeah. And if he doesn't get here soon,

Dad will be home, and they'll have to interact.

Well, sweetie, we gotta meet this boy at some point.

I don't see why.

Hey, I told you to honk. Never mind. Let's go.

Hey, wait, wait.

How about an introduction?

- Oh. Mom, Terrence. Terrence, mom. - Hey.

Hi. Okay.

Hey, who's blocking the driveway?!

Are you happy now?!

Wow. Somebody parked a hybrid out there.

I don't want the neighbors to see that thing.

Oh, that's, uh-- that's mine, sir. Hi. I'm Terrence.

Hi. Mike Baxter. Could you move your car

- So I can pull the truck in? - Yeah. We were just leaving, anyway. Bye!

- Okay. Bye-bye. - Mandy, Mandy, wait. How come you're acting so crazy?

Come on. Take a few seconds. Let's chat.

You're always rushing off to God-knows-where

Doing God-knows-what.

I want to get a chance to look at God-knows-who.

Hey, that's, uh-- that's quite the gun collection

You have back there, Mr. Baxter.

You ought to see the gun collection

We got at outdoor man.

Ah, outdoor man. Yeah, yeah, I-I don't think so.

No offense. I'm just not really into promoting

The slaughter of innocent animals.

Your ass just hit the couch, and you're already

Well on your way to making a good first impression.

I'm-- I'm just being honest with you.

I'm assuming that you like honesty.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just kidding around with you.

Dad, Terrence is a freshman at D.U.

Oh. Great.

And he's very well-read. Oh, and he also plays the piano,

But not in that, like, coldplay way that you hate.

- You tickle the ivories. - (Vanessa) Yeah.

You know where ivory comes from?

Dad.

Just kidding. I'm just kidding around.

So I take it you're not much of a sportsman.

Oh, by sportsman,

Do you mean the assassins who go up in helicopters

With assault rifles and kill wolves?

Well, I'll tell you what, Mandy.

I think you got a live one here.

Honey, just be-- be nice.

I'm being nice, you know. Listen, Terry,

I just want to explain--

Um, actually, I... Prefer Terrence.

Listen, Terrence, nobody likes animals more than hunters.

We like to manage a good animal population

So for future generations there's stuff to kill.

All right, uh, just so you know,

I actually belong to an animal rights group.

- Ooh. - (Vanessa) Okay.

Shockeroo. (Chuckles)

Which is the name of a little taser

We sell at work to actually bring down kangaroo.

(Mandy) Dad...

Dad, Terrence's group is called P.H.A.R.T.

It's people helping animal rights today.

Yeah. "Phart."

No, no. It's pronounced "part."

The-- the "h" is silent.

But deadly. Deadly.

Thanks. Mom.

I-- yeah, right. No, so-- so, uh-- so, Terrence, um,

What, uh... What's your major?

Environmental studies. Oh.

That's my area. I'm a geologist.

- Oh, well, a geologist. Right. Oh. - Yeah.

Yeah, you're the geniuses who invented fracking,

The single greatest threat to our clean water supply.

Well, that's not really my department,

- But, um, we-- we do need new sources of energy... - (Mike) Yeah.

And, uh, someone's gotta find them

Instead of sleeping till 11:00

- And drinking lattes on the quad! - (Mandy) Mom!

- Excuse me. Good cop, please. - No, no, no. Hey.

- It's okay. I'm-- I'm sorry, Mandy... - No.

But, you know, I-I can't stay here in a house

- Built on bullets and oil barrels. - No, no, no--

Calm down a little bit. It's not built on that.

We-- it's a lot of brick, uh, baby seals, spotted owls.

That's... Dad!

Would you please quit making fun of him?!

Honey, he's-- he is being a little confrontational.

- You married him! - No, I'm talking about your boyfriend.

I am lucky to even have a boyfriend,

Because every time I bring one home,

You can't keep your facts or opinions to yourself!

My opinions are facts. No!

Dad, what ever happened to "nice to meet you.

Go have fun. Here's some money"?

Whatever. We're leaving.

And I will be back when I feel like it,

If I feel like it.

Your curfew is at 11:00.

Then I will see you at 11:00!

I like him.

Good morning, Mr. Alzate.

My little Basque brother.

Kyle, what happened? Did your shoes call in sick?

It's the salt cod you made for me.

There was so much salt, my feet swelled up.

Then I did it right.