Red Dwarf: The Promised Land

Our Feral King, I implore you, I will tell you everything.

You will?

Anything. I will answer any question.

What percentage of the universe is made of dark matter?

Oh, I... Sorry, I didn't think it was gonna be general knowledge.

Can I have an entertainment question?

Is the wrong answer.

Sports?

You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.

Meow!

Why did you betray me?

Oh, yeah, in fairness, it was... it was a bad decision,

I wasn't thinking.

And soon you won't be breathing. Hoo!

My Feral King, I am sorry to interrupt your torturing.

We have arrested more rebels who have been spreading

the teachings of the holy one.

Bring these insurgents to me.

Let me gaze upon their ugliness.

Since I seized power, there is no other god but me.

Our economy does not work, Rodon.

Few work, none share.

It is only if we embrace the teachings of Cloister

that we will learn there are greater treasures looking outward than in.

Take them to the marketplace and hang them.

Let the clowder see insurrection will not be tolerated.

Get out of the way, you dogs.

Come on.

We'll escape, and one day return to free our people.

I'll set a course for the ship of our birth.

May Cloister watch over us.

Homm...

Here he comes now. You do the talking.

Hey, guys.

Sir, may I be frank?

For some time now we've been growing rather concerned about you.

Me? Why?

I've noticed of late

you've been drinking slightly more than your usual half a brewery a day.

Bend, would you, Krytes?

Also, I can't help but notice

that in the morning you've often had a midnight snack.

It's only the odd ice-cream waffle sandwich, some cheesy fries

and a beer milkshake.

Followed by a main course.

Not always a main course!

Sometimes I'm too drunk.

Also, sir, you've been collecting rather a lot of junk.

- What junk? Where's junk? - There's junk.

This isn't junk, this is antiques. Salvage from Cargo Bay 15.

We haven't been through any of that stuff yet.

I've already found Music For Rocking Dads, Knitting For Beginners,

and an "I love boyband" badge in pristine condition.

What happened to you, bud?

You're a wreck.

Then perhaps I should use my Swedish massage chair that doesn't have batteries.

No-one is blaming you, sir.

You're carrying an enormous burden.

The future of the human race is entirely in your, well...

Hands?

Lower,

Danglier,

And you're deflecting from the real issue by finding false interest to distract you.

How cool is this?

What's your point, Kryten?

I have a solution, sir, to your last-human-alive dilemma.

An issue that's clearly driving you to the brink of insanity.

Look at this - Subbuteo!

The Partick Thistle away kit.

Someone would probably kill for this.

You're looking at him. Give me that.

Now, this is a little unconventional, I grant you, but with the meditech

we salvaged from the Delta 7,

what I'm about to suggest is quite possible,

so I implore you both to give it your full and proper consideration.

Both? What's this got to do with me?

Well, sir, what if you had a sex-change operation?

Let me finish.

And became a woman?

Let me finish.

Mr Lister and yourself could then do the necessary.

Let me finish!

And produce a child together.

Have you been drying your head in the tumble dryer again?

With the meditech, making you a woman

is a relatively straightforward procedure, Sir.

Involving just a few snips and a bit of folding.

Where does the folding fit in?

Well, to make your lady garden, sir.

And with my long history with sheets, you know how good I am at folding.

Dude, what you're suggesting is anatomically impossible.

But with the meditech, sir, it's perfectly possible.

Let me put it this way -

I'd never be able to get the plane off the runway,

if you get me drift.

Wait a minute. Are you saying if I was a woman I wouldn't be hot?

Bud, if I was a woman, you wouldn't be in no plane,

you'd be on Apollo 13, baby!

Your tongue would be hanging out your mouth like an old dog.

Cat, I wouldn't be attracted to you

if you were the most beautiful woman in the world, cos I'm not attracted to you.

In fact, this whole crazy idea would have a better chance of working

if it was me that had the sex-change operation,

cos let's face it, you'd go with anyone,

Wait, hold on. Are you saying that you'd make a hotter woman than me?

I'd make a better woman than you.

I'm more empathetic, intuitive. I'm nicer.

Have you never seen my legs?

Cat, I'm not gonna get in some stupid, macho

"who would make the hottest woman" barney, OK?

- Although I know for a fact who it'd be. - Me.

- The greatest erogenous zone is what? - My mirror.

It's the brain,

and what with me having one, that puts you at a huge disadvantage, guy.

Kryten, follow me.

Ladies.

Following you, sir.

What are you doing?

I'm following you, sir, as requested, sir,

I don't mean follow me like you're a private eye, you imbecile.

I mean, accompany me to my destination.

Apologies, sir.

I sometimes wonder if you behave like a cretin on purpose,

as a means of thumbing your nose at my authority.

Engaging lie mode.

Lie mode engaged. Sir! I assure you my acting like a cretin is no act.

Lie mode, cancel.

You're lying.

Engaging lie mode.

Lie mode engaged. I most certainly am not, sir,

Cancel lie mode.

I can hear you engaging lie mode.

- Did I say all that out loud? - Yes.

I knew I needed a service.

Not now, you rusty idiot. I need you. Follow me.

Did I say that out loud?

- Say what? - Excellent.

That green dot thing on the scanner screaming towards us

at near light speed, what is it?

Well, it appears to be either some kind of ship, or a missile.

Which?

Well, allow me to carry out some tests, sir.

What are you doing?

I'm waiting to see if Red Dwarf explodes, sir.

If it doesn't, I think we can presume it's a ship.

It's a ship.

It's giving off

some kind of transmission but it's extremely faint. Any suggestions?

It's a long shot, sir, but have you considered turning up the volume?

No-one likes a smart alex, Kryten.

It's smart aleck, sir.

Er, the phrase is based on the exploits of Aleck Hoag,

a celebrated con artist from 1840s New York.

That's as maybe. We still can't understand this message, though,

can we, Mr Smarmy Pants?

The phrase is in fact smarty-pants, sir.

- It was first used in 19... - Just fix the distortion

before I distort you.

Distortion is usually caused by some form of interference

of the process signal.

Big words, my mechanoid friend,

but for all your cleverness, and despite being as well hung as Action Man,

it's not really getting us anywhere, is it?

This is an SOS distress call. Is anyone out there?

Our ship has run out of fuel and we're presently

hiding from our feral overlords on a transport vessel called the Iron Star.

Please help us. We're in great danger.

An SOS distress call?

I'll try and re-establish a link, sir.

Sod them, Kryten.

We've reached an age now where it's time to enjoy the home comforts

and curl up by a winter fire

and keep taking our various medications to keep us sprightly.

Not board derelict ships

and have to flee from giant genetically engineered man-eating cheese.

Well, I'm sure Mr Lister won't agree with you, sir,

Don't tell him, then.

In fact, erase all memory of the distress call from your memory.

That's an order.

Yes, sir.

Did you do it?

Did I do what, sir?

Did you erase the SOS distress call from your memory?

We've received an SOS distress call?!

Damn, why did I say that? Right,

erase all memory of me asking you to erase

all memory of the SOS distress call from your memory.

That's another order.

Yes, sir.

- Have you? - Have I what, sir?

Have you just done what I asked you to do?

You mean have I fixed the distortion?

Why would I be fixing the distortion?

Sir! I think we've received an SOS distress call!

Erase that from your memory too. That's another order.

Erasing distortion order, sir.

What's the last thing you remember?

You want me to follow you, sir.

How did I get here? We were in the corridor.

I knew I needed a service!