Louis C.K.: Hilarious

Thank you so much.

You got your key in there, sir? -Yeah.

House lights.

House lights. Go on house lights.

You ready?

Spotlight. Spotlight.

Thank you.

-Thank... (LAUGHS) -(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Thank you very much.

Uh, thank you. Hello, everybody.

Um, hello. I mean...

By everybody, I mean, uh, you guys.

Uh, I mean everybody who's here.

Really, I shouldn't say everybody because, uh,

most people are not here.

By a pretty huge majority,

most people are not here.

Most people are in China actually.

It's true.

Actually, that's not true. Most people are dead.

Did you know that?

It's true. Out of all the people that ever were,

almost all of them are dead.

There are way more dead people,

and you're all gonna die and...

And then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive.

Like, that's mostly what you're ever gonna be.

You're just dead people that didn't die yet. That's...

There are so many dead people.

Ray Charles is dead. Hitler...

Bunch of other ones.

But mostly those two guys. And...

It's true, Ray Charles and Hitler are both dead.

And, really, it's the only thing they have in common.

Because otherwise they're very different dudes.

Many contrasts between Hitler and Ray Charles.

I'm gonna tell you a few of them. Um...

Ray Charles was black, Hitler was not.

Hitler killed several Jews.

Too many. I'll say too many.

He killed an excessive amount of Jews.

-(SCATTERED APPLAUSE) -He really

beat that thing to the ground.

He killed way... No moderation.

Ray Charles, meanwhile, hardly any Jews.

He killed so few Jews.

Uh...

I don't know how to start shows.

It's just a problem that I have.

I never...

I never figured out how to come out and just start talking.

Because the first thing you say on stage always feels stupid.

Because there's no real reason for me to talk to you.

It just doesn't exist.

I don't know you, you don't even know each other.

You're facing the same direction. That's all you have in common.

So I just have to... Bleh.

It's like talking to a girl at a bar because you're attracted to her.

The first thing you say is just gonna be dog shit coming out of your mouth.

Because you don't know her.

The only honest thing that you can say to her

is I wanna fuck your face.

That's the only thing you could say that you could mean.

Anything else you say is you trying really hard not to say

"I wanna fuck your face." That's the only thing you're...

"Hi, I wanna put my penis in

"the lowest hole in your head."

I was never good at that, like, I was very bad at being single.

Which is a problem because I'm divorced so I'm single again

after 10 years of marriage.

Aw. -No, here...

Cut the shit.

Don't even start with that noise like a puppy died.

-(LAUGHTER) -Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something.

And this is important because someday one of your friends is gonna get divorced.

It's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you.

Don't go, "Oh, I'm sorry."

That's a stupid thing to say. It really is.

First of all, you're making him feel bad for being really happy,

which isn't fair.

Let me explain something.

Divorce is always good news.

I know that sounds weird.

But it's true because no good marriage

has ever ended in divorce.

It's really that simple.

That's never... That would be sad.

If two people were married and they were really happy

and they just had a great thing,

and then they got divorced.

That would be really sad.

But that has happened zero times.

Literally zero.

Ray Charles has killed more Jews

than happy marriages have ended in divorce.

So if your friend got divorced, it means things were bad

and now they're... I mean, they're better.

They're not good. Life is shit wall-to-wall, but they're better.

So you should be happy.

But, the part that's difficult is being single at 41,

after 10 years of marriage and two kids.

It's... That's like having a bunch of money

in the currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore. Like...

Like, I found 500 million Prussian francs.

I can't really take advantage of being single

because I didn't expect to be single.

I'm not prepared. I didn't think I'd ever be...

I didn't keep this shit up, you understand?

I didn't maintain any of this

at presentation condition.

It's function only. It was not...

I didn't think I would need it that way.

I thought I was gonna be shoving it into the same person every three months

till one of us died.

-That's -(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

what I thought was the nature of the deployment for this.

I didn't think I had to be, like, appealing to someone, from scratch.

It's like having a...

It's like having a '73 Dodge Dart in your backyard.

And it's been sitting back there with grass growing...

You don't have any... It's not a old Mustang.

You have no plans to restore that Dart.

You don't even see it when you look out the window.

And now you find out that's your only way to work.

You need that car now.

And you're like, "Oh, shit... (SIGHS)

"It's got bees in it. I didn't take care of it.

"It's full of bees.

"There's a family of mice living in the tailpipe.

"I can't take that to work."

I have no single instincts.

I know too much to be single. I know everything that happens now.

That's no good for single. You gotta be optimistic to be single.

Stupid, you have to be stupid.

That's what optimistic means, you know?

It means stupid.

An optimist is somebody who goes, "Hey, maybe something nice will happen."

Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?

What are you, stupid?

But that's the attitude you have to be to be single.

You have to look at something and go, "Ooh, maybe..." (CHUCKLES)

I don't look at it that way.

Even when I see somebody that I'm attracted to.

I was at a gym the other day. Why? Why?

I'm at a gym,

I'm just... I'm just wearing shorts. That's all I'm doing there.

Just standing there.

And I look over and there's a girl, you know, with a ponytail,

she's on this thing...

And I'm looking at her and I'm like,

"Oh, she's awesome.

"Shit."

But then I started thinking, "Wait a minute, I'm single.

"I'm on the market. I have value.

"I could say something to her.

"I could just walk up and say something."

And I'm trying to think... "What am I gonna say?"

What do I look like to somebody like that?

And then I realized it's been way too long

I'd just been standing there staring at her.

I have no identity in the single world.

I look at them, I don't know what they're doing.

I tried just jerking off to Girls Gone Wild the other day.

Just to reenter the community that way,

just to feel part of it.

And I bought it. Not the commercial on Comedy Central.

I paid money like a grown up. I put my credit card down

and waited for it to come to my house. I'm an adult.

So, I'm trying to jerk off to Girls Gone Wild, I can't do it.

'Cause I'm a father. I'm too old.

I'm just getting mad at everybody in the video.

I'm like, "You fucking irresponsible bitches,

"go back to school. What are you doing down there?

"There's two wars and a depression.

"Get the oil off your tits and study, for fuck's sake."

I just don't look at a woman as a pair of tits anymore.

And I wish I did, 'cause I could get laid easier 'cause that's what it takes.

You just go... (GRUNTING)

But I can't now. Like, I went to a club.

I went to a club, you know...

Like a club.

And I'm standing there looking at all the people,

and there's the women, the hot chicks, the hot girl of the bar.

You know, when you see them, that's just...

She's the hot girl of the bar.

She's got the shirt and the skirt and the boots, those three lines.

There's, like, some perfect ratio that they hit

with those three lines and you...

And they're all standing there like that.

And I used to look at somebody like that and I'm like,

"Wow, she's an angel. What could I ever say to make her like me?"

Now I look at her and I'm like, "What is that? Is that even a person?

"What the fuck kind of a person is that?"

Is that an identity even? Who would want to be that?

I have two daughters. I pray they don't grow up to be (GROANS)

the hot girl at the bar. What kind of...

"Hey, what do you do?"

"People wanna fuck me."

-"Really? That's it?" -(LAUGHTER)