Family Guy

Ah, the Aiwa Double Tape Deck.

The Waldorf and Statler of every thrift store.

The selection here stinks.

Yeah, and so do the customers.

Jim Henson died of treatable pneumonia.

Hey, Brian, remember Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?

They have the magic girl-power jeans.

Holy crap, what happened?

I don't know. I-I think I turned into America Ferrera.

I don't want this. Help! Someone, help!

Looking passable, Stewie.

Looking damn passable.

Aw, crap, people we know. You know the drill.

We're donating, not buying.

Just doing our part to give back to the community.

I'm gonna go wait in the alley.

Could you just ball them up and throw them out the window?

Putting on strangers' hats is always a good idea.

- Thank you for your service. - Huh?

My father's a veteran, too.

Thank you for protecting us and for posting revenge porn

on Marine Corps message boards.

Oh, actually, I'm not...

I'm gonna start a trend of interrupting your sentences.

Well, no, it's just a hat. I didn't...

Thank you for your service.

Bless you and all of our veterans.

No, guys, I-I'm not really a vet...

I don't have time to hear the rest of your sentence,

but thank you for being a veteran

because you're definitely a veteran.

And I'm Cris Collinsworth from NBC Sunday Night Football.

On behalf of all TV football dummies,

thank you for your service.

You're-you're welcome.

Wow. Feels real good to be a veteran,

even better than buying a bottle of Newman's Own.

This makes me a good person.

Hey, someone just bought a bottle of bland salad dressing.

Now we can use all proceeds to do jihad stuff.

Hey, Peter, what's with the hat?

- I'm pretending to be a veteran. - What?

Yeah, it's awesome. Vets get all the sweet deals.

I mean, you never see a homeless vet.

And people have been really nice.

Everywhere I go, they open doors for me.

Welcome, sir.

Thank you.

Hey, so when really fat people come,

make sure we're opening both doors.

Guys, you could be veterans, too.

Look what happens when I put on sunglasses.

- Wow! - I want to try.

It's loud being a veteran!

The hell is wrong with you guys?!

Do I need to remind you I actually am a veteran?

And I'm sickened by the thought of trolling for free handouts

on account of being a vet, much less pretending to be one.

Quagmire, what if I told you your glasses

do "Playing With The Boys"?

The volleyball scene?

Go ahead, give it a whirl.

Whoa! It's like I'm high-fiving with Anthony Edwards.

And it's not like I'd be lying.

There we go. Hey, another round for me and my veteran buddies.

Dad, Family Guy used two of your songs.

Well, that's great, but I'm not your dad.

I'm Kenny Loggins and you're a groupie I brought here for sex.

Dad, Family Guy just...

See, now, that's my daughter.

You guys got your video cameras ready?

Yeah. What's going on?

Well, as a veteran, I get to star in a viral YouTube video

of me reuniting with my beloved pet.

So here goes.

My pet is Christian the lion.

I'm doing two Internet things at once.

This is my heterosexual roommate, Ace,

with whom I shared the lion two decades ago.

- You look great, Peter. - I have a family now!

You know, guys, if being a veteran is about anything,

it's about getting half-hearted applause

on a Southwest Airlines flight.

Veterans.

Yay, veterans.

Holy crap, you're Eric Dane from Marley and Me,

and other stuff!

I'm afraid you got to give us your front-of-the-plane seats

'cause that's what celebrities do for veterans.

Well, clear out, kids.

It's just part of the Hollywood deal.

Thank you. Thanks.

Thank you so much. This is why I served.

"USS Nathan James"?

Yes, sir. Boats, military, sir.

The Nathan James is the fictitious ship

on TNT's The Last Ship, starring Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims.

- And Eric Dane. - Uh-oh.

You guys aren't veterans at all. You're frauds.

Okay, we ain't real vets.

Quagmire served in the Navy.

The rest of us are charlatans.

- Boo! - You're terrible!

I fly Southwest to have a classy experience and you've ruined it.

Excuse me, gentlemen. You're under arrest.

What?! Why?!

You three are in violation of the Stolen Valor Act,

which makes it a crime to pretend to be a veteran.

Oh, so suddenly it's a crime to break the law?

Mr. Quagmire, you're free to go,

but the rest of you will have to come with me.

I thought we had it bad,

being gay overhead bins.

What makes us gay?

We've got bags in our mouths.

Hey, quick, put these on.

They're not gonna throw a veteran in jail.

Is this some kind of joke to you?

No, it was a sincere idea.

Real servicemen and women

have made real sacrifices for this country.

And you. You're an actual veteran; you should know better.

I'm sorry.

You made a mockery of our whole family, Glenn.

Now, everywhere I go,

it's like people are staring at me and whispering.

Court is now in session.

Judge Dignified Q. Blackman presiding.

You men are accused of violating the Stolen Valor Act,

and that's years of jail time.

We forgot to get a lawyer.

But in view of your long service to comedy,

I'm willing to offer a deal.

What kind of deal?

I'll waive the charges, but only on the condition

that you men enlist in the military for real.

You three have to join the Marines.

Oh, my God. We could be killed! Please, no!

All right, how about the Coast Guard?

Yeah, that's fine.

- Wow. - Something happened.

Something just happened in court.

Glenn, if you were half the man I used to be,

you'd stand up and join them.

Your Honor? I'd like to sign up, too.

Oh, my God.

I was checking my phone. What happened?

Excuse me?

That's right. I'm going with them.

The four of us will join the Coast Guard together.

All right. Report to the induction center tomorrow.

Court is adjourned.

The People v. Ted 2.

Okay, come on, let's get out of here. Let's go. Let's go.

Good morning, recruits.

Welcome to the Coast Guard.

Sir, when do we report for basic training, sir?

Hey, what's with the "sir" stuff?

This is just the Coast Guard.

Now, come on. Who here can pantomime driving a boat?

Hmm, we got any boat guys here?

Whoa, look at that.

You guys should be recruiting me.

Now can you bounce with the waves a little bit?

Uh-oh! Getting kind of choppy.

Is this guy for real? This is idiotic.

This is nothing like what the Navy was.

Shh, Quagmire, I got to focus on my boat here.

The way people's talking makes me think

we're gonna be dealing with a lot of water.

You guys seem to have what it takes,

so raise your right hand as I recite the Coast Guard pledge.

"When you're here, you're family."

- Isn't that the slogan for...? - We had it first!

Everybody ships out tomorrow.

You'll find your assignments listed on this sheet.

Oh, crap. Where in Iraq is "Fort El Ahoud Urd Ali"?

Peter, that's Fort Lauderdale.

We're being shipped out to guard freakin' spring break.

- Sweet! - All right!

Spring break on the land, not the water!

No, it's not sweet. It's a joke. This whole thing is a joke!

Compared to the Navy, the Coast Guard is totally

unprofessional and incompetent, like that ancient Roman intern.

This is Markus. Today's his first day.

He's going to be crucifying you now.

He might want to use his hammer.

Ugh, sorry. I'm so bad at this.

Relax, you're doing fine.

Well, I'm off.

Oh, Peter, I'm so worried.

- Where are they stationing you? - I can't tell you.

That is on a knead-the-dough basis.

- Florida?! - Shh!

Hey, you be safe.

Wait, Dad, before you go, can you teach me to shave?

Well, for starters, bud, that's supposed to be on your pubes.

You got a secret inch hiding under there.

This is what I'm gonna be missing.

Well, that's an unrelated car honking,