Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

KAZAKHSTAN MINISTRY OF INFORMATION PRESENTS

A KAZAKHSTAN TELEVISION PRODUCTION

IN ASSOCIATION WITH BAGATOV FILMS

My name Borat.

I like you. I like sex.

It's nice.

This my country of Kazakhstan.

It locate between Tajikistan and Kyrgyzstan

and assholes Uzbekistan.

This my town of Kuzcek.

This Urkin, the town rapist.

Naughty, naughty.

Over here, our town kindergarten.

And here live Mukhtar Sakanov,

town mechanic and abortionist.

This my house. Entry, please.

He is my neighbor, Nursultan Tulyakbay.

He is pain in my assholes.

I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass.

I get a step, he must get a step.

I get a clock radio, he cannot afford.

Great success.

This is Natalya.

She is my sister.

She is number four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan.

Nice.

This is my mother.

She oldest woman in whole of Kuzcek.

She is 43. I love her.

And this my wife, Oxana. She's boring.

What you say about me, you skinny piece of shit?

Not now, please.

Why don't you do something useful and dig your mother a grave.

Come in here, please. Ignore.

And this is where I lives. My bed.

This is a VCR recorder.

And this play cassettes.

Now I show you outside from my houses.

My hobbies, Ping-Pong,

sunbathe,

disco dance,

and on weekends, I travel to capital city

and watch ladies while they make toilet.

My profession, work as a television reporter for Kazakhstan.

Please, you see.

THE RUNNING OF THE JEW 2004

Here comes the Jew.

It's a big one this year.

Whoaaau... He nearly got the money there.

Wait, here comes Mrs. Jew.

She's stopped.

Is she? Is she?

Here it comes.

She's laid a Jew egg.

Go kids! Crush that Jew chick before he hatches!

Although Kazakhstan glorious country, it have problem too.

Economic, social and Jew.

This why Ministry of Information have decide to send me to U.S. and A,

greatest country in the world, to learn lessons for Kazakhstan.

I will travel with most venerable producer, Azamat Bagatov.

Azamat.

No, not film me! Film him.

Urkin, not too much raping... Humans only.

Doltan, I'll get you a new arm in America.

I go to America!

America!

Wave goodbye to your clock radio, asshole!

If you cheat on me, I will come over there

and snap off your cock.

JFK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT New York City

I arrived in America's airport with clothings, U.S. dollars

and a jar of Gypsy tears to protect me from AIDS.

Stand clear of the closing doors, please.

Hello, my name Borat.

I not American. I new in town.

Nice to meet you.

Hello, nice meet you.

Hey, what your name?

My name is mind your own fucking business.

Stand clear of the closing doors, please.

Oh, hello. Nice meet you.

My name Borat.

- What's happening? - Nice meet you.

Get the fuck out of here before I break your jaw, bro.

- Yo, step the fuck off, bro. - Okay. Okay.

- You're fucking with the wrong one, man. - Okay. Sorry.

Oh, shit. Okay, okay, wait.

I get it. Please, relax.

I'll get him! Careful, he bite.

- Hey, man, what are you doing? - Okay, relax.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, okay, relax.

Okay. Okay, wait.

Okay, no problem. Sorry.

Welcome to the Wellington Hotel.

Do you want to pay for the entire stay now?

GUY BORGES Manager, Wellington Hotel

- I pay for one night. How much? - Fine.

One night is $117.13.

We'll call it 85.

No, we can call it 117.

Let me get the door for you. Come on in.

Very nice.

Very nice room.

We're not in the room yet, sir. Hold on.

You might want to repack. We're gonna be moving again shortly.

I will not move to a smaller room.

Sir, this is your floor. I'm gonna take you to your room.

- This is not my room? - This is the elevator.

It takes you to the floor where your room is.

Nice. Nice.

King in the castle. King in the castle.

I have a chair. I have a chair.

Oh, go do this. Go do this. King in the castle.

Hello, nice meet you. My name Borat.

I am new in town.

- Get away from me. - I just... I kiss you, say hello.

It arrive.

Hello, my name Borat. I am new in town.

- I say hello and I... - Do not touch me.

- Do not get near my face. - I kiss you.

Yeah, you kiss me, I'll pop you in the fucking balls.

What mean, "Balls"?

Very nice.

Very nice. How much?

Hello, nice meet you. My name Borat.

Get away! What are you doing?

Wait, I want to say hello. What is the problem?

This has been most happiest day of my lifes.

I was very excite to start my reportings.

America is known for its sense of humor.

UN survey say Kazakhstan have 98th lowest humor.

We must improve.

Hurry, hurry-

Just dry him, no hand relief.

How is my back pussy?

Not bad. Moist.

So what time this interview?

Soon, my friend.

Gently.

Enough!

- Hello. My name's Pat Haggerty. - Hello.

PAT HAGGERTY Humor Coach

- Nice meet you. Borat. - Nice to meet you.

Should I make a joke about my mother-in-law?

Yes. In America, that's a very popular joke.

- Do you have a mother-in-law joke? - Yes.

I had sexy-time with my mother-in-law.

- A what time? - Sexy-time.

I made sexy-time with my mother-in-law.

- You had sex with your mother-in-law? - Yes.

I don't think that Americans would find that funny.

- No, it is not a joke. - Yeah.

We're talking about humor.

Yes, you asked me about my mother-in-law.

Do you have a joke about her?

No, why make a joke on a mother-in-law?

Do you ever laugh on people with a retardation?

Here in America we try not to make fun of

or be funny with things that people don't choose.

But perhaps you have not seen someone with a very funny retardation.

My brother, Bilo, have a very funny retardation.

Mental retardation causes a lot of pain and hardship for a lot of families.

Sometime my sister, she show her vagina to my brother, Bilo, and say,

"You will never get this! You will never get this!"

He behind his cage, crazy, crazy. Everybody laugh.

She go, "You never get this!"

But one time, he break cage and he get this.

And then we all laugh.

High five!

Now...

No, that would not be funny in America, okay?

What is "not" jokes?

A "not" joke is when we're trying to make fun of something

and what we do is we make a statement that we pretend is true

but, at the end, we say, "Not," which means it's not true.

So teach me how to make one.

- All right, what color is your suit? - This suit is gray.

Gray, I would call it blue, okay?

- It's gray. - All right, it's blue-gray.

But it's certainly not black, right?

- Let's say it's gray, but... - It is gray.

Okay, so a "not" joke, I would say

"That suit is black. Not!"

This suit is not black.

- No, no, "Not" has to be the end. - Oh, okay.

This suit is black not.

This suit is black, pause... You know what a pause is?

- Yes. - This suit is black. Not!

This suit is black. Pause. Not.

No, you don't say "pause."

This suit is black.

That's a pause. Not!

This suit is black.

Okay...

- I don't... I'm not... - Not!

Everybody say U.S.A. television much better

but this I watch for three hours, do not change.

There's a remote control here.

Push these two arrows to change the channel.