'Allo 'Allo!

Welcome to my cafe.

I am happy to tell you that life here is back to normal.

The two English airmen who were hiding here,

have been taken away by the resistance

and are being hidden in a nearby nunnery.

The painting of the fallen Madonna

with the big boobies by Van clomp,

which I was hiding in my cellar,

is now in possession of herr flick of the gestapo.

I have been shot dead,

and I am now posing as my own twin brother.

Of course nobody knows this,

except my wife, the servants and my wife's mother;

and the German commandant and his assistant; -

and his secretary and most of the French resistance;

but that is all.

Now, the banging that you can hear

is my demented widow,

who is in the back room looking for my will,

which leaves everything that I possess to her.

I am not worried. She can bang all day.

The will is safely hidden in a secret compartment

behind the cuckoo clock where she will never find it.

Good morning, Rene.

Good morning, lieutenant.

This is the man that shot me.

He fancies me like mad.

Perhaps it is the apron?

Your cheeks are a very good fresh color today.

And you have an impish look in your eye...

Which has suddenly disappeared. How about a drink?

What a good idea.

Open this door! Edith, open the door!

I have found it!

I have found it!

Shut up!

I have found the will of my late husband.

There is no need to make such a song and dance about it.

Give it to me, Edith. After all, I am the executor.

It is not addressed to you.

No, but it would go without saying

that Rene would want his brother

as an executor.

It has gone without saying.

Gather round, everyone,

while I read to you the last will and testament

of my dear departed husband...

Who was shot by the Germans.

Orders, you know?

Listen, he leave everything to me.

"I, Rene artois, being of sound mind..."

I would dispute that for a start.

"... Do hereby leave

all of which I stand possessed

to my dear and faithful wife,

who has comforted me and filled me with joy

during the happy days of my marriage."

I wrote that on the honeymoon.

What a beautiful phrase.

- Look, there is something written on the back. - Ah, no...

"p.s., to yvette..."

I can hardly read it.

It is as if his hand was shaking.

"To yvette, who has served so devotedly under me...

I leave the collapsible sofa in the parlor."

That sofa is not collapsible.

It is, unless you put a book under it.

"P.p.s., to Maria,

I leave the small billiard table

which has given us both so many moments of pleasure."

I never saw you playing in there!

Always Rene would make me shut the door,

and put a chair under the knob.

What were you doing that you did not want to be interrupted?

Why ask me, I am dead, remember?

Anyway, he has done the right thing by me.

Everything is now mine,

to have and to hold, till death do me part.

He was a good man.

There was something... Soft and sensitive about him.

Although, like you, he could be a little distant at times.

We are a cautious family.

We will drink to his memory.

Do not pour too much, that is my best cognac!

His best cognac.

And now, it is my best cognac.

To his memory.

To Rene.

It is over. It is done.

What are you up to now?

I am going to buy myself a new hat.

Why do you want a new hat?

You must remember I am a rich widow,

in the prime of my life.

This evening mamma will promenade me in the square.

Some handsome man will gaze upon me in my new hat.

"Who is that?" He will ask.

"It is the rich widow artois," they will reply.

"Oh, how young and slender she looks,

I must pay my respects to her," he will say.

And maybe tomorrow morning he will be at my door,

bearing a beautiful bouquet

of sweet smelling roses.

Provided his guide dog can find the house.

Lieutenant gruber.

- Colonel. - Is that your armored car outside?

- Does it have a little dent in the wing? - It does.

- Then yes, it is mine. - Then please move it. You're in my parking place.

The colonel likes to park under the tree.

Otherwise his seat gets very hot.

My apologies, colonel.

Hans, why are you sitting down?

Because my legs are rather tired.

Hans, I am a colonel, you are a captain.

You do not sit down before I sit down.

You do not stand up before I stand up.

A colonel does everything first.

I... I'm sorry, colonel.

Well then, be more careful!

You are getting very slack!

Now, gentlemen, what can I get you to drink?

The colonel

will be ordering.

Two cognacs.

- Maria, two cognacs. - On captain geering's account.

Rene, we have one or two delicate matters to attend to.

Maria and yvette are at your disposal, colonel,

but... could you book early?

Because Friday is a very busy day.

That is not what I want to talk about.

But make a note of it, we'll come back to it later.

Now, I am commandant of this town.

I cannot continue to turn a blind eye

to your hiding British airmen in your cafe.

But, colonel, you are turning a blind eye

because I was hiding your stolen painting

of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies in my cellar.

Not any more.

That painting is now in the hands of herr flick.

Of the gestapo.

Together with two forgeries.

So you no longer have a hold over me, Rene.

If I want to shoot you, I only have to say the word.

Fire.

Do not worry, colonel.

The British airmen are gone, for good.

Excellent.

Then if you will tell me the names of the resistance leaders.

I will see that you are protected.

Protected?! Against who?

Me!

But colonel, I do not know their names.

They are mostly girls.

They wear mackintoshes and...

And little short white socks,

and berets like any other French girls.

And they only reveal themselves at night.

Like any other French girls.

I wish I could get my hands on them.

We both do.

If you do not cooperate, I will have you shot!

Oh, colonel, you wouldn't?!

He would! He did it before.

Colonel, I do not wish you to think badly of me,

but, I did take the precaution of writing a letter

which tells how you helped the resistance

to blow up the railway line;

how you stole that painting in the first place.

Now, the letter is signed, by the whole village,

and the moment I am arrested, it is to be placed

into the hands of herr flick of the gestapo.

Herr flick of the gestapo! You wouldn't?!

He would.

I think it is checkmate, herr colonel.

Rene...

You are smarter than I thought.

Thank you, colonel.

If I may suggest,

we just wipe the slate clean.

You have no painting, I have no airmen,

but on the other hand, I do have the girls.

Which brings us back to point one.

Shall we say 9:00?

Agreed.

Wait...

With the wet celery

and the flying helmet.

And...

A great big steaming plate of spaghetti bolognese

and three feet of elastic.

Hans, just between the two of us,

- what exactly have you got in mind? - Well, I... I...

I thought I would have a quick snack,

while Maria repairs my long winter underwear.

- You sent for me, herr flick? - You are late.

Go into the inner chamber.

Stop!

Take out your handkerchief.

Wipe your lips.

Replace the handkerchief.