The Big C

You want me to put a pool in this yard?

Yes. Please.

Unless you're planning on taking out

the fence over there and asking the neighbors

to go in halfsies with you, it's not going to fit.

I'm sorry. I know it's small.

And you got this beautiful shade tree right here.

You're gonna want to keep that. I don't care about that.

Let me tell you what you should do.

Let me bump out the deck, all right?

And we'll put in a nice, sunken hot tub, you know?

And maybe even we do a little, uh, barbecue pit right here.

I think it'll be real nice.

It'll be an outdoor living room.

Okay. That's fine.

Just do that.

How fast can you finish it?

Well, it's the first day of summer,

so it's our busy season. I'll pay extra.

Well, I still have three jobs ahead of you.

I'll pay double.

I will have a crew out here in the morning.

- Happy first day of summer. - And to you.

So we'll do a hot tub.

Is that your new lover?

Is that why I'm sleeping on my sister's couch?

I'm going to bump out the deck and put in a hot tub.

I thought we were saving for new closet systems.

Catherine, I don't know who you are anymore.

Why are you here?

I came to get the heating pad you use for your cramps.

Feel that. That's a big knot.

Yeah. Could you just rub it for me for one second?

Just one?

Oh, God, that feels so good.

Oh, get in there.

Oh, honey, can we please fix this?

I miss you so much.

And I'm so sorry about what happened.

I'm sorry, Paul. I have to go.

I have an appointment with a dermatologist.

Can we just have dinner or something?

Can we at the very least figure out

what we're gonna tell Adam tomorrow?

'Cause right now my story is "adam, your mom's a meanie!"

Okay. Dinner.

We didn't have a lot of money growing up,

but we did have a pool in our backyard.

My brother and I,

we would spend all summer in it making up dives.

My signature was the banana split and dive.

Sounds fun.

Except when Sean would hold me under the water

and fart on my face.

Oh, hello, breast.

How long has that been happening?

Didn't even notice.

Well, screw you.

Anyway, in regards to your question,

I don't think I want to do that.

I... just... I've always really loved my hair.

I cry every time I get it cut.

You won't necessarily lose your hair.

My nose is another story.

If you told me I was going to lose my nose...

What's that?

Some information on alternative treatments

for melanoma.

Well, crap. Thought it was a cure.

- How's your husband feel? - I haven't told him yet.

Wow.

I'm just kind of a private person.

Except around you.

I can't seem to shut up around you.

Here. These are some tips on how to talk to loved ones.

A lot of people find it very difficult.

- Are you married? - No.

But I think I'd want to know.

I was going to tell him.

And then when I got home,

there were 15 men in my house playing video games.

Paul was drunk and peeing in the front yard.

I found myself saying

"I think I need to be alone for a while."

Um, some support groups you might be interested in.

I just got this image of when you do get married.

You and your bride standing at the altar

passing brochures back and forth.

Tell someone, Cathy.

The first day of summer in Minneapolis.

Don't make it our last.

'Scuse me, you guys got a minute to help save the planet?

No? All right, when you get that plastic home,

put it over your daughter's head and suffocate her with it

'cause you're destroying her future!

Did you go to business school

to learn to appeal to people like that?

Uh, no. I went to shut the fuck up technical institute.

I'll bet you were first in your class.

- No, but I slept with her. - Lovely. Get in the car.

Come back and pick me up on a bike.

I've got something to tell you.

Go tell it on a mountain.

Get in the damn car, Sean!

Least you could do is buy a hybrid.

Least you could do is take a shower.

Excuse me, sir, I'll take that for you.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

- Gross. - I know you are.

I would've bought you a meal.

We throw away a ton of food in this country

every single day.

And not a figurative ton. An actual ton.

Besides, I wouldn't want to take food

out of the mouths of all those tapeworms you're feeding.

Never comment on a woman's meal.

So what did you want to tell me?

You're an asshole.

I don't want this.

It's just some money just to tuck away.

I do not want it.

Have we met?

You don't have to spend it.

Just in case you want to get an apartment.

I feel like I'm on a train in Europe,

and you're a little German man, and I'm me,

and we're sitting across from each other,

and we're talking

but neither of us really understands the other one.

I understand that you love shocking people

and you think living like this is a good idea right now.

But just do me a favor and take it.

Okay. I'll give it to the salvation army.

No, you will not.

You will not give it to the salvation army.

No. Stop it.

Oh, relax. She's my sister.

You want me to have it as long as I do what you want me to do.

I want you to spend it on yourself.

I want you to be happy.

No, you want to be happy

and you think this'll do it for you.

This isn't about me. I'm freaking ecstatic.

I wish you knew what that felt like.

What does that mean? You don't think I'm happy?

No, no. I don't want to be a judge,

'cause that's your thing.

But eight out of the ten times I saw you last year

all you could talk about

was whether you're gonna buy a couch from crate and barrel

or pottery farm.

- Barn. - Like I care.

One was cheaper, but the other one had a nicer fabric.

And ultimately you decided to stick with the one

you already had 'cause it was a safe neutral

with a few good years still left in it.

God, am I glad you worked through that!

That doesn't mean I'm not happy.

Oh, good. Then you are just really fucking boring.

I wanted a new couch because you spilled fruit punch

while you were bouncing on the cushions.

Not bouncing. Riverdancing.

I am craving the pasta.

But I love their chicken.

So I was thinking maybe you get the pasta,

I get the chicken, we split.

- What 45-year-old man dances on a couch sober?

Who said I was sober?

Now I have to reverse the cushions.

I have to hide the stain.

I used to lie awake at night upset

because even though you couldn't see the stains

I knew they were there.

Well, that's why I told you to go ahead

and pick out a new couch.

I don't want to be the one to pick out the new couch.

I want to be the one to spill the fruit punch.

But you're not the "spilling the fruit punch" type.

Do you think I'm boring?

Just please tell me what I have to do

to get back in the house.

You do. You think I'm boring.

I do not.

Look, it's just the way that our personalities break down.

I like to do certain things that some people

might categorize as fun,

and you like to other things that people might consider less

than an optimal good time.

Like what?

Like organize stuff, and... and clean stuff,

and put things in containers.

I wanted to be the fun one.

I wanted the house with the pool,

so I could teach Adam the banana split and dive.

But you wanted to be closer to your job

so you could Vespa to work.

And you said it was a better idea

because so many people die in pools.

People die everywhere.

I said it was a better idea because you threw a tantrum