Hacks - First Season

- Yeah, I also have a lot of gay fans.

Oh, and some of them

clearly couldn't get tickets

to "Magic Mike Live" tonight.

I also have a lot of gay enemies.

Or as I like to call them, my exes.

The gays have so many terms, right?

I can't keep up. There's top, bottom,

bear, twink, daddy.

A fan told me the other night-- a fan told me the other night--

a fan told me after the show the other night

that if I was gay, I would be a power top--

power top, power top.

Which, by the way, are 40% off at Ann Taylor right now.

I think he's wrong, though.

You know, I don't think there's a term

for the kind of gay man that I would be.

I mean, I'm rich. I wear fabulous clothes.

I love jewelry. Haven't been laid in years.

Oh, my God, I'm the pope!

== Hacks == Season 1 - Episode 5

Thank you, you've been a terrific audience.

Not as good as last night, but not bad.

I'm still Deborah Vance. Good night, Las Vegas!

Episode Title: "Falling" Aired on: May 26, 2021

- I'm sure you're tired of hearing it,

because I'm tired of saying it,

but the TV in my room is still not working.

Okay.

Yeah, um, well, it's just--

it's really important that I have a working TV

'cause I'm a working TV writer.

- Yeah, I've heard. - Yeah.

I would just watch on my laptop,

but I'm trying to cut down on my screen time.

TV is a screen.

- Yeah, but it's a second-tier screen.

It's basically like reading a book at this point.

Oh, also, I need more toothpaste.

- Well, as you know, the free mini toothpaste

is a guest privilege, and you are a--what, a resident?

Yeah, and that's way sadder,

which is why I deserve the free toothpaste.

I mean, it's right behind you. I can see it.

Okay, it's not, but you looked...

- Good, mm-hmm. - Which means you know

it's nearby. - Yeah.

- Can you help me out? - Excuse me.

- Yeah? - Uh, could I get a toothpaste?

Are you gonna give it to her?

No.

Here you go.

- Thank you so much. - Mm-hmm.

- There you go. - Well, thanks.

- God damn it. - No problem.

My God.

- Have a good one. - Good job.

All right.

- Hey, I'm gonna take my break. All right?

- Oh, and, um, then I thought you could tag it with

"makes me miss my bunions."

Oh, that's good.

- Oh. Great.

Well, it's a punch line.

Yeah.

Um, oh, and you know how

in the '70s, you had that bit about

hanging yourself with your tampon string?

Yeah, it was genius.

- Well, I was thinking we could update it.

Maybe something about drowning yourself

in your Diva cup?

What's a Diva cup?

- Yeah, so it's, like, a-- it's, like, a silicone cup

that you kinda fold up like a taco and...

Just pop in there.

Technically, they're not dishwasher safe,

but I toss 'em in there anyway.

- Remind me to never have dinner at your house.

No, my audience doesn't know

what a Diva cup is, and they don't want to.

- Okay, I just don't think we should be writing jokes

for a bunch of Panera people.

People who eat at Panera.

Oh, you little shit.

Just because they don't live in LA

or New York doesn't mean that what they think is funny

is any less valuable than what you think is funny.

- Mm. It kinda does, though.

I mean, have you seen some of the stuff

these people buy on Etsy?

It's all, like, coffee mugs

about how, "Actually, it's wine in there."

- So you're telling me that if a lot of people think

something is funny, it's not.

Kinda, yeah.

Ohh, you're that girl

who never got to sit with the cool kids

at the lunch table, and she just never got over it.

- We had walk-away lunch. - Well, there's a whole lot

of other people in the cafeteria,

and the sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be.

- Deborah, the car's here. - Oh, great.

Um, I'm sorry.

I thought we were working this afternoon.

I am working.

I'm gonna go work Marty

into not cutting my dates.

- Okay, I just think we should be concentrating on, like,

the actual material.

Thanks for the tip.

All right, see you tomorrow.

- Actually, you'll see me Sunday.

Marcus and I are going on a retreat.

Oh, while I'm gone, didn't you say

you wanted to get your mustache waxed?

- No. - Oh.

Guess I just thought it.

- Deborah, please don't go nuclear with Marty.

- I will play nice. - Mm-hmm, and you'll meet me

at 7:00 for dinner with the Cincher sisters?

- Wait, the what with whom? - They're the sisters

behind Cincher's, the shapewear brand.

Dinner's at 7:00 p.m. sharp. - Right.

I got it, I got it. Don't worry, Marcus.

I got it all under control.

Well, he's into sound baths, right?

Get him a gong. - He's Japanese.

- So? - So it could be insulting.

- He's leaving you to work for your competitor.

It should be insulting. - Oh, you.

Yeah, you're right.

- Oh, time to get down to business.

What?

What's this? - Uh, a Seurat,

two Gerhard Richters,

a complete set of Pierre Jeanneret chairs.

The list goes on and on. It's all in there.

I must say, Ivy has impeccable taste.

She might be a keeper.

But paying for your assets through your corporation,

isn't that a big no-no?

Because if your personal net worth is actually more

than what you claimed, couldn't your ex-wives

renegotiate their alimony agreements?

Eh, what do I know? I'm just a washed-up comedian

with a firm grasp of family law.

- What do you want? - Well, as a woman,

I feel that I have an obligation

to share this information with your ex-wives.

- Aw, what a feminist. - Unless you want to, uh,

rethink your taking away my weekend shows?

- Oh, so you're fucking with my personal life

over a couple of dates?

Which is unfair, since you don't have

a personal life to fuck with.

- Well, it looks like you have about 20 seconds to decide.

- Hi! - You--

- Should we do a countdown? Oh, let's!

Ten, nine, eight-- - Really?

- Fine! - Wonderful!

You can keep those. I've got copies.

What a rush!

I should blackmail more often.

Rina, hi! You look fabulous.

- Hi. - Oh, don't worry.

Marty was just leaving. - Rina!

Hi. - Hi.

How are you? - I am fabulous.

- Ugh, what was he drinking? - Mm-hmm.

- He always drinks the weirdest shit.

- Let's get you a real drink. - Thank you.

Excuse me.

- I don't know how many times I have to come down here

and say this. TV is a priority for me,

and as a resident, I truly--

Oh, my God, Ava!

Holy shit!

Oh, my God.

My literal queens! I haven't seen you in so long!

How are you?

- Wow, it's been so long. How have you been?

- Oh, so good! Amazing!

I--I'm so happy to see you.

- I'm Hallie. - Hey, hi.

Oh, so rude of us.

Um, Hallie, this is Ava.

She used to write comedy with us.

"Used to"?

- Did you just say you live here?

- Well-- - Yeah, she does.

- Oh. - Um, I mean, it's for a gig.

It's temporary. I'm working.

But honestly, it's been so nice to get out of the LA bubble.

You know what I mean? Just, like, fresh perspective,

be with real people.

It's been, like, gorg',

amazing. - Right.

- Right. - Right.

- Hey, are you guys free tonight?