Damsels in Distress

-Look. -Where?

There.

Yes. l think so.

Hello.

Are you a new student?

-Yes. -Good. We thought so.

We'd like to help you.

Help me? What do you mean?

As a freshman, it can be very tough.

You get to college and it's supposed to be great, but it's not.

University life can be pretty bad.

-There are a lot of suicides. -Well, attempted ones.

l'm not actually a freshman. l'm a transfer student.

-Oh, an entering sophomore? -Yes.

You were unhappy and are looking to recover here.

-Well, l think you will. -Yes.

Would you welcome that? Would our help be something you'd appreciate?

Or would you rather sink or swim on your own?

-Either way is fine. We'll be friends. -Yes, whichever you'd prefer.

Yes. Sure.

Great. We should start immediately.

Clothes can be crucial for confidence and an overall sense of well-being.

-Clothes don't have to be expensive. -You need friends of the same size.

-You don't like my clothes? -l'm just saying. Move it out.

What? What's wrong?

-What's wrong? -You didn't notice that?

-No. What? -Those guys.

That smell. That awful, acrid odor.

Have you heard of nasal shock syndrome?

Any harsh, acrid or just disgusting odor sends Rose into nasal shock.

Just from some BO?

"Just some BO"? Oh, my God, Lily.

You must have a very high threshold for pain.

That'll serve you well at Seven Oaks.

-What do you mean? -Seven Oaks is notorious for its BO.

lt was the last of the Select Seven to go coed.

An atmosphere of male barbarism predominates...

-...but we're going to change that. -Yes.

Where are you going?

Gotta get to the Housing Department. They lost my rooming assignment.

That's terrible. You have no place to stay?

Was it just mislaid?

No, there were more acceptances than they anticipated...

...and not enough rooms to go around, so....

Why don't you stay with us?

Really?

Don't think of this in the old-fashioned sense of going to a party...

...to find someone or not find someone.

That's not the dynamic that we're talking about.

-What dynamic are you talking about? -Glad you asked.

Our going to a party of this kind is more a form of youth outreach.

-Of what? -Youth outreach.

lt's not just some moronic frat-house social function.

Though it will be that too.

We've gotta keep in mind that these guys are young people.

They're essentially immature and crying out for help and guidance.

-Though they don't know it. -No, they don't, but we do.

-Aren't they the same age as we are? -Only numerically.

l'm a lot fatter than you are, but l think we could pin it.

Oh, my gosh, that's beautiful.

Stunning.

Take Frank, my friend.

He's not some cool, handsome, studly macho type.

No, not at all. l can't stand guys like that.

He's more of a sad sack really, wouldn't you say?

-Definitely. -What is a sad sack?

A loser.

-You like losers? -Very much so.

Do you know what's the major problem in social life?

What?

The tendency, widespread, to always seek someone cooler than yourself.

lt's always a stretch. Often a big stretch.

Why not find someone who's inferior?

-Someone like Frank. -Yes. lt's more rewarding.

And, in fact, quite reassuring.

You mean someone you can help, not just thinking of yourself.

Yes, that's it, precisely. But without the goody-goody implications.

Our aspirations are pretty basic.

Take a guy who hasn't realized his full potential...

...or doesn't even have much...

...and then help him realize it or find more.

There's enough material here for a lifetime of social work.

What's really worrisome is that that was intentional.

Frank.

Frank, this is Lily.

She's just come to Seven Oaks as a transfer student. lsn't she great?

Lily failed or wasn't happy at her last school.

We're sure that she's going to adapt here.

-ln fact, she already has. -Oh, good.

Oh, my God. A golden oldie.

l love these.

-Oh, my gosh. Wasn't that great? -That was really fun.

l know that people can have useful careers in many areas.

Medicine, government, law, finance.

-Education. -Yes, even education.

But l'd like to do something especially significant in my lifetime.

That could change the course of human history.

-Such as starting a new dance craze. -Really?

Yes. Something that could improve the lives...

...of every person and every couple.

l'm so proud of what you accomplished last night.

You showed those guys a really good time.

Without anything really bad happening. That's good.

The guys you know, are they all Greeks?

-What? -Are all the guys you know Greeks?

Excuse me. l don't understand.

Are all the guys you know Greeks?

-l don't think we know any Greeks. -Greeks, like frat boys.

Oh, yes. Fraternities.

You mean members of the Greek-letter fraternities.

Yeah. Like last night.

Actually, last night we were at the DU house. DU.

Roman letters. Not Greek.

Seven Oaks has never had a Greek-letter fraternity system.

lt's always been a Roman-letter system here.

lt's very different.

-What house is this? -Oh, this isn't a fraternity.

At least not one anyone should want to join.

You probably think we're frivolous, empty-headed college coeds.

You're probably right. l often feel empty-headed.

We're trying to make a difference in people's lives.

One way to do that is to stop them from killing themselves.

Have you ever heard of "Prevention is nine-tenths the cure"?

Well, in the case of suicide, it's actually 1 0-tenths the cure.

-Those are clichés, aren't they? -Yes, they are.

lt's interesting you say that. l love clichés and hackneyed expressions.

-Do you know why? -No.

Because they're largely true.

The hundreds, perhaps thousands...

...of such clichés and hackneyed expressions...

...that our language has bequeathed us...

...are a stunning treasure trove of human insight and knowledge.

-Really? -Yes. Oh, please sit down.

During these formative college years...

...we should learn as many clichéd and hackneyed thoughts as possible.

Furthermore, l think we will.

Speaking of suicide prevention, do you have a boyfriend, Lily?

-Are you dating anyone? -l don't see the connection.

-You don't? -Boyfriends are a primary suicide risk.

You don't have any particular friend?

No one at all?

No. Well, there's this grad student l met over summer.

Xavier. We became pretty good pals.

He has a girlfriend whom l've met. She's very nice.

"Zavier." With a Z?

-No, l think it's with an X. -No, l'm certain it's Z.

Zavier, like Zorro. lt's the same sound.

Zorro marked his name with a Z.

lt's an X.

But Zorro's with a Z.

Okay, let me see if l can figure this out.

Used at the beginning of a name, Z and X have the same pronunciation.

-But it's Zorro with a Z. -Actually, there were two Zorros.

One spelled his name with a Z and made a Z mark for Zorro.

And there's Xorro who spelled his name with an X...

...and with his sword he'd make an X mark.

What was really unfair was because he marked his name with X...

...everybody assumed he was illiterate...

...when he was spelling correctly.

-Hello. -Can we help you?

Of course we can. No case is too challenging.

-Would you like a doughnut? -Okay.

Please, sit down.

-Here, have some coffee. -Thank you.

-What's your name? -Jim Bose.

-But my friends call me Jimbo. -Why?

-What? -Why do your friends call you Jimbo?

Well, it's a contraction of Jim and the first part of my last name, Bose.

Yeah, l got that. But why bother?

-What do you mean? -Jim is already a lovely name.

lt's short, simple, evocative.

Shouldn't a nickname simplify the name that it replaces?

Jimbo doesn't really simplify anything.

l don't know.

Well, maybe you should ask your friends.

Where do you live or reside?

Doar Dorm.

-Oh, my God. Yuck. -What?

-The smell, it's notorious. -What smell?

You're right, it's more like a stink. Unclean clothing, l'd say, mostly.

-Vomit. -Stale beer.

Pot. Cheap deodorant. There might be a vermin infestation.

Did you know a good-smelling environment...

...is crucial to our sense of well-being?

Have you tried to find a better-smelling place?

Wait, wait. lt's not me, l'm not depressed.

-You're not? -No.

Are you sure? You kind of seem on edge.

-No, l'm fine. -That's a terrible expression. "Fine."

"l'm fine."

Something smug about it. "l'm fine."

-Why do you say that you're fine? -l'm not depressed. l'm not suicidal.

Why are you here, then? Are you a con man?

-A confidence trickster? -No, there's a girl.

Her boyfriend dumped her. She was crying but now is silent.

Oh, my God. Why didn't you say so?

We have to go. Call the cops! A suicide might be in progress!

-The campus cops? -Yes, of course the campus cops.

Take this.

We have a lot of students coming to the center...