So I Married an Axe Murderer

Excuse me, miss. There seems to be a mistake.

I ordered the large cappuccino.

Hello!

- Look at the size of this. - It's a bowl.

It's like Campbell's cup-o-ccino.

My sides. Please.

So Tony...

...what's with your clothes?

What?

You look like you're in Starsky and Hutch.

- I look hip. - No, no, no.

More like an undercover cop trying to be.

- I am a cop trying to look hip. - Can you do me a favour?

When you go to my parents' don't dress like a 1970s pimp.

My parents are a little eccentric.

This poem is called, 'An Apology To The Aliens Who Abducted Me...

...and Whom I Inflicted Destruction Upon...

...While Having a Panic Attack Aboard the Ship.'

Autobiographical.

- What are you gonna do tonight? - Well...

...I’m gonna do a poem about Sherri.

The 'Woman, Woe Man, Whoa Man' poem.

Yeah.

Tell me again. Why did you break up with Sherri?

Tony, I told you already, she's a thief.

- You don't honestly believe that? - Tony, she's a klepto.

To this day I still don't know where my cat is.

Charlie, every time you meet a nice girl...

- ...you get paranoid and break up. - That's not true.

- I broke up for good reasons. - Really?

- Yes. - What about Jill?

She was in the Mafia.

- She was in the Mafia? - Yes, the Cosa Nostra.

- I never knew how she made a living. - She was unemployed.

- She didn't work. - That's a perfect cover.

All right. What about Pam?

She smelled like soup.

- What does that mean? - Like beef-vegetable soup.

- Paranoid. - You weren't there.

- It's all in your head. - No, no.

- It is. - No, no.

- I'm up. Wish me luck. - Good luck.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for our own Mr. Charlie MacKenzie.

Woman

Woe man

Whoa man

She was a thief You gotta believe

She stole my heart and my cat

Betty

Judy

Josie and those hot Pussycats

They make me horny Saturday morny

Girls of cartoons Won't leave me in ruins

I want to be Betty's Barney

Hey, Jane, get me off This crazy thing

Called love

- Hi. - Hi.

Can I help you?

- Yes, do you have haggis? - Yes, we do. One?

Yes, please.

My parents are Scottish.

That will be $19.75.

Here you go.

Thank you.

- Will there be anything else? - No, thanks.

Thanks.

May, get in here!

All right, May, turn off the Bay City Rollers!

The soccer game's about to begin!

- Hello. - Hi!

We're in here, son!

- Charlie. - How's it going, William?

Give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in.

Hi. Hey!

May. Shut it!

- How you doing, Dad? - Fine.

- Come on, Charlie. - Away you go with your mother.

Why don't you try one of her bras on, wee girl?

Flaunt away, you fairy!

Hey, Mom.

I brought you guys a haggis.

That's sweet of you, son. Thank you.

I haven't seen one of these for years.

Actually, I hate them. But your father will--

Look. He's giving Tony all that Lyndon H. LaRouche rubbish again.

It's a known fact, Sonny Jim, that a secret society...

...of the five wealthiest people, known as the Pentavirate ...

...run everything in the world, including the newspapers...

...and meet tri-annually at a secret mansion in Colorado known as...

- ... 'The Meadows'. - Who's in the Pentavirate ?

The Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, the Rothschilds...

...and Colonel Sanders, before he went tits-up.

I hated the Colonel, with his wee beady eyes...

...and that smug look on his face. "You're gonna buy my chicken."

Dad, how can you hate the Colonel?

He puts addictive chemicals in chicken...

...making you crave it fortnightly, smart-ass!

Interesting. Cuckoo.

Charlie, would you like a juice?

Look at what I've bought myself, a Juice Tiger.

- A Juice Tiger? - Yes, I juice everything now.

I'm on a new diet.

I'm on a Weekly World News Garth Brooks Juice Diet.

Scores!

- Margin, one-nil! - Magic goal!

Let's have a look at the replay.

William, move your head.

Look at the size of that boy's head.

It's like an orange on a toothpick.

- You’ll give him a complex. - That's a huge noggin.

It's a virtual planetoid. Has its own weather system!

Head! Move!

- Your Sherri's late. - Mom...

...Sherri and I broke up.

Not Sherri?

I liked Sherri.

I didn't like the other girls you brought home.

- Don't make it any harder for me. - Why should I make it easier, son?

You were good together, you and Sherri.

- I thought you'd marry. - You know I'm terrified of marriage.

I know that, son. I know that.

Maybe it's better not to marry. Did you read the paper?

- No. - No? Where did I put it?

Stuart! Bring in the paper!

All right, hon!

Head! Paper! Now!

Move that melon of yours if you can.

Hauling that gargantuan cranium about.

No kidding. His head's like Sputnik.

Spherical, but pointy in parts.

That was offside, wasn't it?

He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.

Mom, why do you refer to Weekly World News...

...as "the paper" ? The paper contains facts.

This paper contains facts.

And this paper has the eighth-highest circulation in the whole wide world.

Plenty of facts. "Pregnant Man Gives Birth."

That's a fact.

Here it is, look. Read this.

"Mrs. X. The honeymoon murderer."

She marries men under fake identities and then she murders them.

She's murdered three men already.

Victim number one was a lounge singer.

Victim number two, a Russian martial arts expert.

No!

And she's also killed a plumber named Ralph Elliot.

And her whereabouts are unknown.

Give us a kiss, Tony, and cheer me up. Good night.

Good night.

Wow, you've turned into a sexy wee bastard. You know that?

Thanks, Mrs. MacKenzie.

- Hasn't he? - I think so.

- Good night, Mom. - Good night, Charlie.

- Good night, Dad. - Fine, go. You've stayed your hour.

Yes.

- Morning, Charles. - Morning, sir.

Are you working on the forms for the vendor--?

Yes, captain.

Tony? Tony?

I don't want to intrude, but you seem a little down.

Well, captain, it's about my job.

I'm having doubts about being a cop.

It's not like how it is on TV.

I fill out forms and paperwork all day.

Point well taken, but even though it's not exciting...

...it's very important.

Yeah, but of all my times as a cop, I've never...

I never chased a guy across a crowded square.

I've never hung onto that part of the helicopter. You know that part?

- You know? - I know it.

I've never hung onto that or even commandeered a vehicle.

- That sounds like a lot of fun. - That's the other thing.

You're too nice.

- I'm too nice? - Yes, you're too nice.

Why not be like a Starsky and Hutch captain?

Where you haul me in your office and bawl me out...

...because you're tired of defending me from the commissioner.

The truth is, I report to a committee.

Some are appointed, elected, or co-opted biannually.

- It's a quorum, so to speak. - A quorum?

- Yeah. - I thought I was gonna be Serpico...

...but instead I'm like Fish from Barney Miller.

Hey, somebody needs a hug.

Captain.

Okay, coming up.

- Hi. - Haggis, right?

Yeah, I'm the guy who ordered the haggis.

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

- Do you like haggis? - No, it's repellent.

I think Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

- I'm next. - You're next.

Yes, can I help you?

I'll tell you how you can help me. All I want is one New York steak...

...a quarter-inch thick. That's all. No more, no less.

- Get it and let me out. - I'm really busy. Be right back.

- It's busy, hey? - It's insane today.

My dad's a butcher, and I used to work at his shop.

- I can help you. - I'd love some help.

- Great, what's your name? - Charlie.

- Harriet. - Hi, Harriet.