Sirens

No, buddy.

No... Abreu's headed for a sophomore slump.

It's one of the eternal laws of the sport.

I don't know, bro.

Those Cubans play by their own rules.

Then go ahead and draft him, but don't come bitching to me

when he goes 0 for April.

Oh, do you want me to get that?

Yes, please.

Text from Theresa, the apartment fell through.

Aw, damn. That place was perfect.

Do you want me to text her back?

Yeah, write "bummer."

Looks a little cold.

Do you want me to send a frowny face,

like you're really sad about it?

No.

- No, I don't do that. - Come on.

Emojis?

Everybody uses emojis, John.

Everybody uses emojis, John.

Oh, yeah, I don't use emojis.

Then you better get with the times.

Okay, well, let's just go old-school,

traditional sad face.

Just go... uh, colon-parentheses. Call it a day.

Look, trust me, I've got something you'll like.

What are you saying?

Ow, look at that crying panda.

That's weird.

Yeah.

Who would want to make a panda cry?

Aw, did someone take away your bamboo, bro?

I'll kill 'em.

Hey, you want me to text anything back, T?

Yeah.

What'd she write back?

"Hi, Hank."

T, I got to say, you and Johnny got it these days.

You got heat. Estan caliente.

I can feel it in the phone.

Oh, that's 'cause you left it in the sun.

Yeah, but nah, y'all look bona fide.

It's kind of true.

In a weird way I think almost getting married

made us closer than actually getting married.

I've never been happier.

That's really sweet, T. Hey, can I date your sister?

What? Who?

Your sister Maeve, she's kind of short,

got brown hair and these really sweet titties?

No, you don't want to date Maeve.

She is a terrible girlfriend.

Actually, she's been great. Oh, damn.

- Seriously? - T.

- Seriously? - Remember that day last week

- that was really pretty out? - Oh, no.

Let's pretend like I asked you

if I could date her two weeks before that.

Was it the peanuts?

- Yes. - Uh-huh.

Please tell me you didn't try to cure a peanut

allergy with peanuts.

My herbalist told me about it.

You give yourself a little bit of the allergen every day

and slowly increase the dosage.

Your herbalist is full of shit.

This is a beautiful place.

How much do you pay, if you don't mind me asking?

Oh, I own it.

Nice.

How much did that set you back, if you don't mind me asking?

No idea.

My parents got it for me as part of my trust fund.

I'm refurbishing the building.

When you're not trying to kill yourself?

I climbed k2, I think I can conquer a peanut allergy.

What's k2?

It's the second-highest mountain in the world.

Maybe you should climb Everest

before you try to tackle peanuts.

Yeah, you don't want to mess with allergies.

I'm allergic to bee stings.

It's not deadly, but I keep an EpiPen around just in case.

Probably good advice for you.

Hey, how you feeling?

Better.

Much better.

I'm gonna be right back with some paperwork.

You're gonna be fine.

I've got a cousin who swells up like a balloon

any time he has shallots.

You'd be surprised how many things have shallots in them.

Actually, I wouldn't.

I got pretty heavy into shallots about six months ago

when I was in Indonesia.

I got to say, compared to onions,

their flavonoid levels are off the charts.

- Hank, this guy knows shallots. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, sorry.

Can I borrow you for a second?

Yeah.

So what can you tell me about shallots?

Everything.

Hmm?

Whoa.

And it's for rent, and it's perfect for Theresa and me.

Dude.

- Look at the natural light. - Uhhuh.

Got a great kitchen,

huge bedroom, a tub big enough for me.

I don't fit in just any tub, John.

I want this apartment.

Not a chance. I found it.

You can come visit, but this apartment belongs to me.

That's my tub.

Okay, that's Theresa's tub,

but should I choose to take a bath,

I'm taking it in that tub.

This apartment has so much potential,

and you are gonna squander it.

You're a squanderer.

Theresa and I are gonna have so much sex in here.

I can hear it now. Hey, peanut... hey, baby.

I don't hear nothing.

- Demolition Man. - Too loud.

The Artist?

Too quiet. Fast and Furious.

Too Vin Diesel.

State of the Union.

- Way too Vin Diesel. - The Pacifier.

Not Vin Diesel enough.

Vin Diesel.

Vincent Diesel.

You know who I feel bad for?

I feel bad for that apartment.

That is one sexy apartment, John.

That apartment deserves to have sex in it every single night.

We are having plenty of sex.

It's just more spaced out than it used to be.

Tell that to the apartment.

Got to take that apartment to dinner.

Got to wine and dine that apartment.

Make that apartment feel special.

You know, I've actually given this a lot of thought.

Before Theresa and I moved in together,

we would have a ton of sex, and then we'd break up

and wouldn't see each other for months.

Then we'd get back together and make up for lost time.

So if you factor in all the break-ups

and the down time, we're having exactly the same amount

- of sex we've always had. - Yeah.

I actually worked out the calculations.

- Oh. - Works out perfectly.

You know who calculates how much sex they're having?

- Who? - People who aren't having sex.

- Ha-ha. - People who sit on the couch

watching Netflix, eating Ben and Jerry's every single night.

You're not gonna get to me,

'cause I actually love living with Theresa.

For two years, I tried to not do it,

and it turns out she was right. It's awesome.

Besides, sex is overrated.

I mean, look at me and Voodoo.

We're perfectly happy in our platonic relationship.

Oh, just rub it in my face, Brian.

I didn't do that on purpose, Gabby.

You could be so much happier with me.

I don't know. I'm pretty happy.

- Well, give me 48 hours. - Damn.

Damn is right, Hank.

Damn is right.

First of all: Holy shit.

Second of all: Don't compare me

to whatever's going on with you and Voodoo.

You're dating an asexual.

You literally never have sex.

Okay, no, we don't have sex, per Se.

But what we do have is actually far more beautiful.

In a way, I don't even miss the sex.

Me and Voodoo, we have this intense soul connection

that goes far beyond the physical.

We... we're operating on a higher plane and just...

Gosh, I'm just... I'm masturbating all the time.

I mean, just... just constantly.

It's bad, guys.

I mean, I'm not proud of it.

I just... I really... I don't know what to do.

See? Just like I said.

People can kid themselves,

but there is no substitute for sex.

And that's why I'm the happiest guy on the rig,

'cause I'm having sex damn near every night.

I've actually been meaning to talk to you about something,

Hank, and you've just given me the perfect opportunity.

Do you remember after Jeff the chef's wedding,

you said you might be interested in settling down?

I was emotional. I said a lot of things.

- Mm-hmm. - You specifically asked us

to call you out if you fell back into a pattern