Eastbound & Down

When my ass was 19 years old...

...I changed the face of professional baseball.

Well, any baseball fan has gotta love this.

Bottom of the ninth inning, Game 7, bases loaded, two out...

...and Atlanta's gone to their bullpen...

...and called on the rookie, Kenny Powers.

Absolutely untested, and he's run the count full...

... to the all-star, Eddie Friarson.

The bases are loaded. He shakes off a sign.

Now he's ready. Three-two pitch. Struck him out!

You're fucking out!

Kenny Powers has done it. Atlanta wins the series! Listen to this crowd!

I was handed the keys to the kingdom.

Multi-million dollar deals, endorsements.

Everyone wanted a piece of my shit.

You're fucking out!

You're fucking out!

Just a man with a mind for victory...

...and an arm like a fucking cannon.

But sometimes when you bring the thunder...

...you get lost in the storm.

I'm sick and tired of carrying all the weight.

The coaches and owners not giving me the shit I need to win.

Atlanta, you're fucking out.

Kenny Powers is now a free agent.

Find a bar and get shitfaced, huh?

Get me paid, bitch.

Superstar!

So, Kenny, how do you feel about playing for New York?

You mean Jew York? It's fucking great.

I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad.

But turns out they're nothing compared to these fags you got in San Francisco.

And a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour...

...will do whatever it takes to rise above.

Any comments on the steroid allegations?

I said I'm not on steroids!

A man fights and fights and then fights some more.

Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.

Kenny Powers, a career that once showed so much promise.

You can feel the sun going down on it right here.

No, man. Come on, motherfucker. Come on, fucking fastball.

Two balls, no strikes. A runner at third, one out in the eighth.

MacWorthy awaits.

And there's a long fly ball. It is way back there.

The nail in the coffin of a career.

And Powers kicks his glove.

You're fucking out! You're fucking out!

And my ass ain't no pussy.

My ass is a...

...fucking champion.

Write your name in the top right corner...

...followed by birth date and social security number.

Fill out the form completely.

When you finished, hand in your form to me.

Welcome to the Shelby County school system and your new, exciting career as...

...a substitute teacher.

Hey, you're never gonna believe who's sitting in front of me.

Kenny Fucking Powers.

No shit. Yeah, it's him.

No. Hell, no. He looks like shit.

He looks like a big bag full of mashed-up asshole.

Kenny Powers!

Holy shit, I knew that was you.

Slow the fuck down, dude.

Marcus Shank. You banged my stepsister back in high school.

What the fuck are you doing back here, man?.

Hey, hit me up with that Texas toast there, bro.

-Oh, here you go. -Thanks.

So did you get the Christmas cards we got you this year?.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I get a shit ton of fan mail.

So that's a lot of mail to go through. But, yeah, I mean, yeah, I think I did.

Y'all get that-- The tanning bed I sent y'all last year?.

-The one you sent three years ago?. -Three years?.

Well, it is a tanning bed, you know?. So....

You boys ever tag team anybody, beat up any kids in your neighborhood?.

When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the shit...

...out of these retards that lived down the street.

Hilarious. This guy was the most ruthless one.

Now I'm sitting here, he's got a family, he's got a nice a shirt on.

We try and teach our children...

...not to make fun of others who are challenged.

Mongoloid Mike. Is that what you called him?.

You used to bust his head open with a stick. Remember that?.

Okay. I think we're gonna tone down the language. Right?.

I mean, my mind's still blown you got three kids.

I mean, I don't remember you having this one.

-Old blondie over here. -We got three.

Three handsome young men. The Powers' way.

The littlest one's a girl.

You certainly are.

Her name is Rose.

Named after Miss Kate Winslet in the movie Titanic.

Y'all named your daughter after fucking Titanic?

It's Cassie's favorite movie.

You gotta be shitting me.

What's his name, fucking Shrek?.

No, huh?. Okay.

Damn, it's cold.

So thanks for letting me crash here. Appreciate it.

Yeah. Sure, man.

Kenny, we was wondering, speaking of which...

... how long you was planning on, you know...

-...staying here?. -We?.

Well, it ain't like that.

How many times do I gotta tell you?.

Gatorade is still trying to get a piece. The lRS up in my shit.

I need to take a job just so the government can garnish my fucking wages, man.

Just give me a little breathing room here.

Just give me some walking around money, then I'll be fine. Okay?.

How long is that gonna be?.

-You wanna know how long?. -Yeah.

Four fucking years. How about that?.

Really. We're brothers. You want me to give you a date?.

Well...

...just wondering how long it's gonna be till you....

Till I what?.

-Get your shit together, Kenny. -I'm kidding.

I'm not.

Okay. Okay.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win.

Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me.

I'm the man who has the ball.

I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck.

So that is why I am better than everyone in the world.

Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.

You've reached the end of Cassette Number 3.

You're listening to the audio book...

...You're Fucking Out, I'm Fucking In by Kenny Powers.

Narrated by Kenny Powers.

I mean, he drew a pentagram made of penises.

You know, I think he's a real sicko, Mrs. Brady.

I got my major in art, not psychology. You know, I don't know what to tell this kid.

April.

April!

I'm just kidding, it's me.

I recognize your scent.

Do you recognize my essence?.

-Yeah?. Yeah. -Okay.

-That feels familiar, huh?. -It's nice to see you too.

I think I'm gonna need to change my pants.

I'm just playing. I didn't come in my pants.

Did-- I was surprised...

...when I heard that you were coming back.

Oh, you know. I'm just doing a little rehab on the shoulder, you know?.

Trying to get my fuck on, you know what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Kenny, if you think that I'm gonna hook up with you...

...after all this time...

...well, then you've lost your goddamn mind.

You have not changed at all. We still got that fun chemistry...

-...where we just play with each other-- -Kenny Powers in my school?.

It is a true pleasure to meet you. I'm just a huge fan.

Terrence Cutler, principal.

Oh, big boss man. Okay.

Well. When I heard that you were gonna be subbing here...

...I almost lost my mind.

Well, that's good for you.

Well, there's something you need to know about, Kenny.

You're not the only athlete here at Jeff Davis. I happen to be training for a triathlon right now...

...so doing a lot of running, and cycling, swimming.

Well, you know all about that.

No, actually, I don't. I play real sports.

Not trying to be the best at exercising.

-Fuck this guy. -This guy, hilarious.

-Hilarious. -Yeah.

Let's get your paperwork started. Show you where you're working.

How about you get the paperwork started?. I'm gonna stay here and catch up with April.

You know April?.

-We went to high school together. -We used to date.

You used to date?.

April, you never told me you dated Kenny Powers.

-Well-- -That is so cool!

It's a little too early to tell, but looks like the sparks are still flying.

-God. -I'll get up in it.

Oh, that's not funny.

-That's-- -You're hilarious!

I forget to tell you. I'm-- I'm engaged now.

Bullshit. You're engaged?. Yeah, right. Who are you engaged to?.

-To me. -Yeah.

We're engaged.

Hey, May 1 1th, save the date...

... because Kenny Powers is definitely coming to my wedding.

You can throw out the first pitch.

What's up?.

I'm Kenny Powers, I'll be your new PE teacher...

...till Coach Booth's back is fixed.

Yeah, I'm famous. La-di-da, big fucking deal.

Now, at this time I'd like to field any questions anybody has.

This is the time to do it.

-You. Big kid. -Do we have to run the mile?.

I'm talking about me.

I want-- These are questions about me personally as a superstar.

You know, you got this moment in time here...

...with an American icon, you gonna waste it asking a question about the fucking mile?.

Who's next?. Who's got something else for me here?. You.

When you did steroids, did it make your balls shrink?.

Think that's funny?.

How about I show you my balls and you can tell me if they shrunk?.

No, for your information, I have full-sized balls.