Just Like Dad

It's you here.

Yeah, I'll be right out.

Good.

Stop.

Guess what?

I'll try to sneak up the back door again.

Again?

Big mistake.

Hi, Charley.

Hi, Charley.

Charley, you're just in time to see how long

Sherwood here can hold his breath underwater.

Last time under, I think I said a personal best.

Shut up.

Hey, Charley.

How long can you hold your breath?

I don't know.

I've never timed it.

Maybe it's time we find out.

Wait, wait, wait.

It won't be necessary.

Don't pay them, Charley.

Don't come with me.

Thanks, Charley.

That's real cooperative of you.

Violence is an ugly thing.

Real ugly.

Hey, next week, double.

Are you okay?

Why'd you pay them, Charley?

Well, because next time I go swimming, I want to be in a pool.

Everything was a good idea.

Sherwood, they were used on her head as a plunger.

It was a good idea.

I don't know.

I have this theory.

Reptiles like Rex feed on the weekend defense list.

Our fear is their nourishment.

Cut off the food supply.

They got some real steed.

Sherwood, we're two of the smallest kids in school.

I mean, we're like walking Smorgasbord here.

You all right?

I only hope if somebody's been a wimpier than I skid strands right here.

Nah.

Where'd you get the money?

My dad.

You stole it?

No, I told him about Rex.

He gave it to me to give to him.

He did?

Yeah.

He didn't want to go see their folks or talk to the principal.

No.

My dad's not there on confrontations.

Oh, Stan, could you give me an evaluation of this by Wednesday?

No, I don't know.

Sherry Gums, don't look suspicious.

Spiegel?

Peterson?

So,

Spiegel, how's this, uh, Cully leaf-flower thing to him?

Oh, it was actually just beginning the evaluation of this one.

That's good luck with that.

Well, thanks.

Can I help you?

Dad!

Hey!

Dad, what's that in your ear?

A ear?

Oh, it's shaving cream.

Yeah, well, some of the guys at work were certain.

Yeah, it was nothing.

What'd they do?

It was just a joke.

So, where are we going to eat tonight?

They're back to Venus.

I like their french fries.

Yeah, what about Marty's, don't they make good fries?

Well, the things are curly-cues.

Hey, I like curly-cues.

You can't dip them, Dad.

I mean, you dip and you can catch them all over your ears.

Use a fork?

You eat broccoli, you use a fork.

Carrots a fork.

But french fries, you eat with your ear.

Well, I didn't know you were so sensitive about your potatoes.

You have any, uh, bad feelings between you and onion rings?

Sad.

Hi, guys.

What can I get you?

Well, we're going to have two cheeseburgers, one medium rare with the

onions, one well-done with extra pickles, two

orders of straight fries and two chocolate shakes.

Um, it's in your left pocket.

But you know that.

Well, you waited all this last week.

Your hair was tied back with a red ribbon.

Do you remember my hair?

I'll tell you, this guy, Charlie, has got a mind, like a steel trap.

I mean, I think he could even tell us the name

of, I don't know, our old neighbor's pet goldfish.

Oh, I'm impressed, Charlie.

I couldn't tell you what I had for breakfast.

Well, I see you use fluff and fold fabric softener.

Is this some kind of routine?

Well, I was just referring to, uh, you know, the spot on your uniform

because, you know, fluff and fold, it uses the soil suspending agent that can

sometimes cause whites to colorize, and then sometimes they turn blue.

Uh, uh, my dad works in consumer research.

He knows these kind of things.

So, a little bit of bleach will just lift it right out.

Your wife must love having you around the house.

My mother's dead.

I'm sorry.

Uh, I better, better get those burgers started.

So, uh, how was school today?

It was okay.

Did you have another run-in with that, the what's his name, with the bully?

Rex.

You know, some kids call him Vincent.

Why is that?

Well, because he's the Van Gogh of black eyes and fat lips.

So, uh, what happened today?

Mom, I paid him like you said.

You did the right thing, Charlie.

I mean, a little money.

Is that worth getting beat up over?

Yeah.

All right, ready?

Yeah.

So, you have to get out of town with four -to-two-nummy heads.

Mm.

There's only one train, and there's certain items that

you can bring on certain items that you cannot bring.

Okay.

All right.

Mr. Simons tells the conductor he's going to bring pepper, but not so.

And the conductor lets him out.

Hello?

Then, Mr. Hughes says that he is going to bring an apple, but not an orange.

And it comes up to the turn.

Now, who more of it on the train?

Who will do a little break?

Pepper may not salt.

Mm-hmm.

And apple may not orange.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I think I got it.

I'm going to bring supper, but not lunch.

Oh!

Words with double fingers, you owe me a quarter.

You know, Charlie, you really shouldn't tell people your mother died.

Well, you know, death according to Webster applies to someone who once had function

or usefulness, but no longer does.

Now, mom gave birth to me, so that falls under function, right?

Mm-hmm.

Well, as for usefulness, she walked out on us, but we still made out okay.

We have made out okay, haven't we, Dad?

Yeah.

We've done just fine.

Did Dad lose lots of work in that shaving crease?

Charlie, I told you, it was nothing.

I know, it was just that, I mean, we just moved here and both...

Sure was my new best friend and, you know, he'd be pretty upset if I had to leave.

We're not going to move again over here.

Charlie, we're not going anywhere.

Rapunzel.

What?

The neighbor's goldfish, its name is Rapunzel.

You're absolutely remarkable.

All right, James, Nate, Lenny, Colin, Billy, Brett, Justin.

Oh, what?

Cody.

Bobby.

Uh, Bobby.

Yes, not last.

There's only one more spot left.

Get out of here.

Charlie.

Charlie.

Get out of here.

Oh, come on.

Allison.

Why did you put yourself to the humiliation?

Because I wanted to play.

I have this theory.

Actually, I borrowed it from Darwin.

It's called survival of the fittest.

You see, life is one big competition.

The bigger and stronger species is always going to help over smaller weaker ones.

Some day, the earth will be absent of all those who are physically inadequate.

Where are dying breed, Charlie?

It's going to help him, Bobby, fair and dead, so play.

His theories and textual theories have one thing in common.

Low poles.

His father was a big football star in college.

But he's a worse athlete than I am.