Glee

So here's what you missed on Glee:

Sue tried to shoot Brittany out of a cannon, but it wasn't safe,

so Brittany, Santana and Quinn quit the Cheerios!

Sucks for you.

Now we get to see what they look like in street clothes.

Finn broke up with Rachel because she made out with Puck,

but then Quinn kissed Finn after the big game,

even though she's been dating Sam. Yikes!

It used to be a love triangle, and now it's, like, a pentagon.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

We all know I'm not the smartest guy in the world,

but there are two lessons I learned the hard way.

One: Never punch a cop.

The other one: You can't choose love.

Love chooses you.

I mean, I could have any girl I wanted,

but here I am, in the middle of geometry

or English or something,

and the only girl I've got my eye on is

a whole lot of woman.

I owe it all to Sectionals.

We needed a twelfth member,

and I told her if she joined the Glee Club,

I'd give her seven minutes in heaven.

But what went down in that janitor's closet was epic.

You're really not good at this, and you're kind of scrawny.

You got to be kidding me.

Yeah, you're not turning me on at all.

Later, sad sack.

But that was only three minutes.

Three minutes I'll never get back.

Maybe it's because she's constantly

insulting me, like my mom.

Maybe I just dig a chick with curves,

but it's almost Valentine's Day, and it's official.

Stare at me again, and I'll break your nuts.

Also, these candies you gave me?

They sucked.

But you ate all of them.

I had to make sure they all sucked.

I'm in love with Lauren Zizes.

It's amazing what actually accomplishing something

does to a person.

I know what you're thinking... That they're all only into me

because I won the first Conference Championship

in this school's history, but I've changed.

I'm walking taller, carrying a bigger stick

and using it to fight off the ladies.

- I love you, Finny-bear. - Thanks, Becky.

- Oh. - Be my Valentine?

Awesome.

- I'll keep you posted. - Copy that.

Yeah, I've been collecting a lot of hearts lately.

Only question is, which one to choose.

Bingo.

I just need to go for this.

Maybe the reason it never worked out with Rachel

was because I was never over Quinn.

I know I can pry her away from Sam

if I can get her to kiss me again.

The ridiculous thing is that I could get every girl

in this school to kiss me but her.

Game on.

Okay, I'm all for flair,

but these Valentine Day decorations are just tacky.

I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be?

It's clearly puppy love.

It's cute. Come on.

Ooh.

I love you!

- Oh, this is creepy. - Adorable.

It's a simple excuse

to sell candy and greeting cards on a holiday.

Not true.

People have been celebrating Valentine's Day for centuries.

And call me a hopeless romantic, but it's my favorite holiday.

Really?

I think there's something really great about a day

where you're encouraged to just lay it all on the line

and say to somebody, "I'm in love with you."

You know?

And this year, I want to do something really radical,

so I need your opinion on this.

Well, there's this guy that I sort of... like,

and I've only known him for a little while,

but I want to tell him that I think

my feelings are starting to change into something...

deeper.

So I have to ask.

Do you think it's too much

to sing to somebody on Valentine's Day?

Not at all.

What can I get you?

Uh, a medium drip, and a grande nonfat mocha for this guy,

and maybe I can get him to split one of those Cupid cookies.

You know my coffee order?

Of course I do.

That'll be $8.40.

Don't even bother, dummy. It's on me.

Keep the change.

I do believe I have a new favorite holiday.

All right, guys,

I have one word for you.

- Brittany. - Is it "love"?

I'm totally going to graduate now.

Valentine's Day is coming up,

so for this week's lesson,

I want you guys to pick a partner,

because you're going to sing to them

what you think is the world's greatest love song.

Yeah, find a song that communicates

all the things that love means to you.

- Now, partner up. - Mr. Shue, can I say something?

I just wanted to point out that

for the first time, an entire week has gone by without

any one of us getting slushied.

I think the fact that I led the football team

to a Conference Championship

might have something to do with it.

Fact is that I'm the closest thing

that this Glee Club has to a celebrity right now.

And just like a famous athlete,

I want to give to a charity.

You guys.

So, I'm setting up a kissing booth

for a dollar a smooch, and donating the proceeds

to Glee Club to help us...

Don't even act like you're trying to help this

Glee Club out. You just want to kiss a bunch of girls.

I've kissed Finn, and can I just say?

Not worth a buck.

I would, however,

pay a hundred dollars to jiggle one of his man-boobs.

Do you ever get tired of tearing other people down?

- No, not really. - 'Cause you always

just seem to do be meddling in everybody else's business.

Oh, please. You guys love me.

I keep it real, and I'm hilarious.

Actually, you're just a bitch.

- Whoa! Whoa! - Okay. I'm sorry.

You've just got eyes for my man.

Okay, first of all, I'm not your man.

And Finn is right. All you ever do is insult us.

Three weeks ago, you said

you were disappointed that I didn't have a lizard baby.

Five minutes ago, you said

Mr. Shue belonged in a twelve-step program.

Wait. What?

You're addicted to vests.

The truth is, Santana,

you can dish it out, but you can't take it.

Okay, maybe you're right. Maybe I am destined

to play the title role in the Broadway

musical version of Willow, but the only job

you're going to have is working on a pole!

Fine.

Santana...

Maybe try rocking back and forth.

People do that in movies.

No. 'Cause I just try to be really, really honest with people

when I think that they suck, you know?

- Yeah. - No one gets it.

I suppose you want me to thank you

for sticking up for me today, except that makes it seem

like I need somebody to stick up for me, so...

Oh, no, no. Trust me.

I... I know you don't need me to stick up for you.

I mean, you're all kinds of tough.

- And... - Mm, that's true.

How about you let me take you

to Breadstix for Valentine's Day?

Do you seriously think it's that easy?

I'm not desperate, so if you really want this,

you best come correct.

Because I spell woman Z-I-Z-E-S,

and I need to be wooed, you understand me?

- Wooed. - Damn.

Hey.

What you doing?

Nothing.

Just, uh, daydreaming, plotting weekend outfits.

Well, come on.

You're going to want to see this.

I've called an emergency meeting of the Warblers' Council.

Oh, sounds serious.

Let's hope not.

I just need to ask them a tiny little favor.

This emergency meeting is called to order.

Junior member Blaine Anderson, the floor is yours.

Esteemed council, I'll be brief.

Simply put...

I'm in love.

Ooh!

Congrats.

I'm not really good at talking about my feelings.

I'm much better at singing them.

But still, I could use a little help.

Which is why I'm asking to enlist the Warblers

to help serenade this individual in song off-campus.

- What? - What?!