Party Down

Have I ever read Snow Crash? Yeah.

Yeah, like for the tenth time

As I was waiting for

Neal Stephenson to sign my copy.

Okay so then you know the character,

Vitaly Chernobyl?

Um, front man for

Vitaly Chernobyl and the meltdowns,

Pioneer of the Ukrainian nuclear fuzz-grunge movement.

All-around badass.

Yes I know Vitaly Chernobyl.

All right well, they're making it a movie.

That's the part I'm going out for.

No.

Hell yeah.

So you gotta help me with like a take on the character.

Fuck no. Why not?

Vitaly Chernobyl is fucking awesome.

You're so wrong.

That'd be like if in "Aliens"

They had cast Kate Hudson to play Ripley.

I would root for the fucking aliens.

Okay, you know what, you wanna be turtle

Of my entourage, you gotta start being nicer to me.

Fuck that, fuck Entourage,

And I'd be e, you'd be turtle--

I'm the Vince man.

Now get my car,

And I'll let you fuck my leftovers.

Henry.

Would you like me to put this stemware in the prep tent?

Ah, 20 minutes late.

You gonna write him up, boss man?

Don't think I won't.

I have a very complex demerit system.

Does the new guy have a daughter, too?

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah, they're very close.

Okay Kyle, you take the South lawn bar;

I'll take the North.

Okay Ron, you and Casey will serve.

And Lydia, you and Roman

Will handle the prep work, okay?

But, Henry...

Oh, Captain, my Captain.

That's gross.

Ron what do you need?

We gonna put out the tip jar today?

There's a tip jar?

We get tips?

Not since Henry took over.

I'm just saying--

I've worked a bunch of these school auctions.

And people just want to show off.

You know, so they wave around their Lincolns

And their Hamilton's.

Like, "look at me! Look at me!

I own a hotel on park place!"

Yeah Ron, you're right, tip jar!

You know, tip jar!

Tip jar! Tip jar!

Tip jar!

No, we are not putting out the tijar.

We're just gonna go with the guarantee.

Is there anything else?

Tip jar.

Yeah, what do I know?

I've only been doing this for like eight years.

What do I know?

What's that?

I can't hear you.

Can I see you outside for a second?

Sure.

What's up Ron?

See what I just did?

What?

I'm modeling managerial behavior.

I removed the actor from the audience Henry.

Okay, see when people are acting up,

You deprive them of the oxygen that fuels the fire--

Yeah, but Ron,

You were the "actor" in this scenario so--

Okay take my advice, or don't.

Put out the tip jar, or don't.

Your call Henry.

Okay. Really, I mean--

But you're gonna be killing yourself

Trying to be their friend.

It's better that they respect you--

Okay, let's see here, um--

Hey Ron, those are some pretty vile

Pit stains you've got there,

Why don't you put on a wind-breaker from the van

So the guests don't puke.

Oh and also, if you're fucking 20 minutes late again,

Don't bother showing up.

Um, something like that?

Uncanny X-MEN number four.

Holy shit!

So was there like an exact moment

When you knew that you were gonna quit acting?

Yeah I guess when I saw my picture

Next to Joe Isuzu in a TV guide

"where are they now" thing,

I was pretty sure it was the only honorable path.

Why?

I auditioned for this Apatow movie today.

That's great.

Why do you sound like

You're considering early retirement?

I'm just like, sitting there in the waiting room

And there's all these girls

And they all look exactly like me,

And I know that they're thinking

The exact same thing that I'm thinking,

It was crazy,

It was like this flash of insignificance.

So how'd it go?

They laughed, so--

Well that's good.

It's just this one scene, but it's so good.

I don't want to put too much stock in it,

But I sort of feel like if I get this,

It'll pretty much validate

Every single decision I've ever made

In my entire life that led me to this very moment.

Wow, well, it's good to put all of your eggs in one place

Where you can really keep your eye on them--

Maybe you could keep that on silent?

These are my thick pants.

So I can't feel the vibration--

Right.

Hello?

Well what's the audition for?

No, I can't go to Anaheim

Because I have the Sunday groundlings show.

Yeah, fine.

Okay just-- will you send me the breakdown--

Okay thanks.

If you're finished with your phone call,

I was hoping I could bother you for a glass of wine.

Is that a chardonnay or a Riesling you have there?

White wine.

Didn't I say, go with Valhalla?

You did Mrs. Doyle.

You get what you pay for, Ms. Legros.

You're right as usual, Mrs. Doyle--

I apologize.

I am so sorry, she can be a little--

Cunty?

Yeah, that's the word, cunty.

Unfortunately, she is the one who's gonna write

A letter of recommendation for my son,

So I have to kiss her ass until it's done.

So, groundlings--?

I used to be in groundlings--

No way.

Let me get nice levels for you,

So everybody can hear you.

I need that higher.

How's that?

My God.

I can bring it lower.

All right, this is all you need to know

About Los Angeles schools all right?

There are 300 kindergarten slots in top quality schools.

50,000 parents battling it out

To get their kids in.

But your kid gets into a top elementary,

Then they go to Harvard-Westlake or Brentwood,

Straight shot to Yale or Stanford.

How do you get into one of these top quality schools?

Three ways.

You can be absurdly wealthy,

You can be famous,

Or, you can take my path,

Where you volunteer to run the pre-school silent auction

Which is why I have officially retired

From the comedy community.

And here I am:

Taking seriously the shit I used to make fun of.

I have spent a year of my life

Busting my ass mom-wrangling,

And today, the director says if we don't meet our goal,

There's no letter of recommendation.

No.

Janice Werkhoven.

What is that?

It is a wine and cheese basket from Greenblatt's.

Some top-flight bottles in here.

A couple 92s--

Yeah I thought you were putting up

Cooking lessons with Wolfgang puck!

Yeah, that kinda fell through.

At least look me in the eye when you're fucking me--

Oh but why would you worry right?

Of course those starfuckers

At Penhall academy are gonna take your kid, right?

'cause your husband's movie opened huge.