Tales from the Crypt

Home chopping network

well, kiddies,

I'm afraid our designer hanger offer has expired.

Would somebody please get Mr. De la renta

out of here?

Next up on the home chopping network.

It's time for the crypt keeper's fashion boutique.

Today, we featuring my full line

of aprés vie death care products.

We've got everything from face-scream

to mas-scare-a.

Try some.

It's the best thing you can do for...

Demise.

Or maybe I could interest you

in tonight's special.

It's a tasteless tidbit

about a traveling cemetery plot salesman

who's about to make a grave mistake.

I call it death of some salesmen.

Death of some salesmen

Eb Jones, come on down.

You're up already.

What time is it?

Almost 6:00 A.M.

Hash-slingin' time.

Hash-slingin'...

I told you last night I'm through

with that goddamn coffee shop.

I'm going with you. Isn't that what we said?

Well, there's been a little change of plans.

But we said last night.

Last night was last night.

So you lied to me.

No, you said you wanted

to get out of this stinking little burg

and I sold you a way to do it.

For the night.

Now it's morning. And the warranty's expired.

Damn you!

Spare me the tears, OK, sweetheart?

But you said you loved me.

Yes. Yes. I said I loved you,

and you dropped your little panties.

It's called salesmanship.

You must be Mrs. Jones.

Yes, I am.

I'm Judd Campbell from the restful hills memorial park.

You know, you're exactly the way your husband said you are.

Is he here?

Well, no. He passed on a few days ago.

The funeral was yesterday.

I can't believe it.

I... just last Monday, I saw him...

It's like he saw it coming.

He did. He had cancer.

Well, I know that, but...

Monday, he puts a down payment on a new cemetery plot.

And then suddenly...

Did you say he put a down payment on a cemetery plot?

$250.

For both you and him.

Well, he didn't say anything about it to me.

Well, he wanted it to be a surprise.

He picked this spot right here.

He wanted you to be among the first

to enjoy eternal rest amidst all that beauty.

Shame. He was so excited about

the benefits package, too.

Funeral expenses, plus 10,000 cash.

He loved you so much.

$10,000?

Yeah.

I'll arrange for you to get full a refund,

when I get back to the office,

of the $250 deposit.

But isn't there some way

that I could get the benefits?

I don't see how.

Your husband has already passed on.

Well, what if I paid you the money?

Ma'am, that would be illegal.

I don't see why.

My husband intended to pay you the money.

What if he'd already sent it?

Now, look. I could pay you the money now,

in cash.

And who's to know when you got it?

Oh, please.

The funeral was so expensive.

And eb didn't leave me hardly a pig's whistle.

Isn't there some way?

How much did he owe you?

Another $250.

I don't know.

I suppose if it were cash.

I'll get it for you.

Boing.

I'm afraid I... I only have $187.

That's all I got in the whole world.

Isn't there some way?

Mrs. Jones, you're such a nice lady.

I'll find a way.

Bless you.

Bless you.

Can I help you?

You must be Mrs. Comfry.

You know, you're exactly the way your husband said you were.

He's a very lucky man.

Mrs. Who?

Mrs. Comfry.

There's nobody here by that name.

Wh... isn't this 2465 maple street?

No.

This here is maple drive.

Maple street is way across town.

My mistake.

End of the day. You know how it is.

Bye.

Young man.

Are you selling something?

As a matter of fact...

Because at restful hills,

we believe that both you and your loved ones

should be able to rest in peace before as well as after.

It sounds so nice.

I do have a lovely brochure that I'd...

I'm sorry. I don't want pa to miss this.

Pa!

Where is that old goat?

Pa!

Where in tarnation are you?

Honestly.

Hold your horses, ma!

I'm right in the middle of digging!

We got company.

Mr. Campbell's a salesman, pa.

A salesman!

Ain't that nice?!

In the old days,

traveling salesmen used to come by all the time.

Of course, nowadays, everybody stays home,

does their shopping on the TV.

I don't know, but to me it just ain't the same.

No.

Well, sit yourself.

Show us what you got.

I know what you mean.

Buying things long distance,

you know, you lose that human connection.

Ain't that the truth?

And when the product comes...

Shut up, ma.

The young man don't give a damn what you think.

Let him get down to business.

I'll do just that, sir.

At restful hills memorial park...

That some kind of cemetery?

We call ourselves a memorial park.

What we do is a whole new concept

that tries to bring peace to your loved ones

both before and after your demise.

For starters, we found a piece of property,

north side of town,

that will just knock your socks off.

Look at this. Isn't that gorgeous?

It sure is!

It looks like the perfect place to spend eternity.

It does look restful, doesn't it?

It's the kind of place the whole family

will enjoy coming to to pay their last respects,

and that in turn, makes the process of mourning

just plain easier on everyone.

Now, isn't that a nice idea, pa?

When does the beforehand stuff come in?

That's... that's very smart, sir.

The beforehand part

comes with the death benefits package.

Now, for a small, nominal fee,

we pay at the time of demise,

full funeral expenses,

plus a death benefit of $10,000 cash.

That way, you know your loved ones

are going to be taken care of beforehand.

How nominal?

$500 buys everything for the both of you.

$500? That's all?

Of course, we do have the extended death benefit

of $20,000.

And that'll only cost you 750.

$750 buys you $20,000?

No. You're both covered.

So we're talking $40,000.

Well.

We can't say no to that, can we?

We'll do it.

Great. I'll draw up the paperwork.

Of course, we'll have to see it first.

See?

See what the cemetery plot looks like.