American Dad!

Aah!

This is Principal Lewis.

I need Steve Smith to come to my office at once.

Ooh.

Steve, we said we were gonna be good this year.

We're co-presidents of the Good Boy Club.

Did that kiss oath mean nothing?

Hall pass, please?

Sure. I got it right here.

Wha-bam.

Oh, dear.

I'll handle this, Jared.

Wha-bam!

That was pretty hilarious, buddy.

I swear, it's like they're dating now.

They don't pay me enough to give a damn about that.

Here's the account info I was telling you about.

My credit's a mess.

I'm in overdraft hell,

and now the bank's telling me my debit card...

Bri, Bri. Relax. I got it.

Clara, could you make me a nice hot chocolate?

Clara,

did you you roll your god-dang eyes at him?

Woman, I will make you teach summer school.

I will steal your summer.

First, we move you to a credit union.

Better interest rates.

Ech!

That's how you lose a summer, bitch.

Oh,! It's "Coffee with the Principal"

at Steve's school.

Oh, God. We've gone to a million of those.

Why don't I go in your place?

Oh, thanks, Roger, but you have to be a parent

to go to these things.

Or a legal guardian.

All you'd have to do is sign a few papers and la-la,

I'm responsible for Steve.

Roger, couple things.

I think you meant to say "viola," instead of "la-la. "

I did.

And we'd be terrible parents

if we gave you any authority over Steve.

Hey, I'm a great caregiver.

I promise, if you make me his guardian,

I won't let you down.

How are we supposed to believe that?

Behold. Roger Smith, caregiver.

Here's me burping a baby.

Here's me cultivating a garden.

Lush.

Here's me shaving a homeless.

Shaved him clean, bow to stern.

Smooth as a dolphin.

Impressive.

And take a look at the satisfaction survey

Klaus filled out after I took care of him

the week you all went to Michael Jackson's funeral.

You'll notice Klaus rated me a five in every category.

I wrestled with that questionnaire for days.

At one point, I convinced myself

Roger's performance in "courtesy" merited a four.

As the pen hit the paper, I knew instantly, I was a liar.

I quickly circled the five, but that slight mark remains.

And it torments me every day of my life!

Whoa.

See, I don't have children of my own.

It's hole in my heart I desperately yearn to fill.

Making me Steve's guardian would be the greatest gift

you guys could ever give me.

I guess we could let him do "Coffee with the Principal"

just as a trial run, and if that doesn't work out,

we yank his privileges.

You just got me seriously horny.

Okay, Roger, we'll make you Steve's legal guardian.

Really? Oh, my God!

Thank you!

Whoa, watch out.

Was that a...

No.

Stan. Go on.

Go take care of that.

I got this one.

Hey, bud. You hear the great news?

What?

You folks made me your legal guardian.

I'm going to "Coffee with the Principal" in their place.

Whatever. Say hi to Brian for me.

You mean Principal Brian Lewis?

Yeah, me and him are amigos.

I'm texting his ass now.

Colorful language.

Phfft! Shut up, Roger. I'll see you later.

I'll be home after your bedtime.

Pancakes tomorrow sound good?

Whatever, douche. Shut the door.

Of course. Sleep tight.

Gay!

Welcome. Tonight you'll be learning

about your child's scholastic routine.

Any questions are always welcome.

If you're just here to tell me I'm doing a great job,

that's fine, too.

I have a question.

Roger Smith. Legal guardian for Steve Smith.

Principal Lewis, I've noticed

that my Steve has not been doing well on the state-wide tests.

Why would that be?

Well, some children aren't good test-takers.

Steven's a genius!

Maybe, instead of a new football stadium,

you could have put that money toward your students.

Uh-oh. He's getting it good.

Oh, damn.

Um, who are you?

I know who you are.

Principal Library Book, because you're obviously checked out!

Ooh!

Brian just called me!

He said you were a jerk during "Coffee with the Principal"!

Look, me and him...

He and I...

We have a good thing going at that school.

Don't mess it up.

Mess it... I'm trying to help you.

I stopped by your classes and got your homework for next week.

Why don't you get a jump on it?

I'm going to bed, Roger. I'm tired.

Not anymore, you're not.

That'll keep you wired for a couple hours.

What is that?

For you, it's a study aide.

I use it to go dancing.

Well, look who's up before noon.

Just wanted to make a little lunch for Steve.

That was thoughtful.

How was "Coffee with the Principal"?

He made a scene! He told Principal Lewis

I should be getting better grades,

then he went to my classes, got a week's worth of homework,

and made me study till midnight.

That sounds fantastic.

Here, take your lunch. No time to dilly.

The bus is running three minutes early.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Wow. Roger really seems to be on top of things.

There's a school bus?

I'm surprised how good he is with Steve.

Oh, man. Do you know what this means?

If Roger can take care of Steve,

we can finally go on that kids-free vacation

we've been talking about the last ten years.

You mean,

the dream vacation?

Five days and four nights at...

Flash Flood Acres!

The largest water park in the universe!

Dan, where are the kids?

How many beers have you had?

Just one.

But it was the largest beer in the universe!

Hey. I want to apologize for my legal guardian.

I had a talk with him.

He won't bother you again.

He's a funny little guy, isn't he?

Made me really nervous.

Hey, could you turn it to channel four?

They're dog a Galactica marathon.

Principal Lewis, we're watching something.

I'm going to hatchet you, Bob Crawley!

It-It's cool, Brian.

Oh, my bank again.

Don't worry about e bank.

I just have one last set of forms to file,

and when that's done, you're golden.

Everybody, freeze.

Registered legal guardian, Commonwealth of Virginia.

Oh, damn it. Toss your weed.

Superintendent?

It's come to my attention

you've been letting one of your students skip classes,

miss tests, and hang out in the teachers' lounge.

I'm sorry, Brian, this is bad.

I hate to say it, but...

You're fired!

Is that what you intended to say, superintendent?

That's what I super-intended to say.

Yay!

Is that too much air?

You want some radio?

I just want what's best for you, Steve.

You've got a funny way of showing it!

Geez, you scared me.

You said nothing for so long, and then you yelled.

I can't believe you got one of my best friends fired!

Friends?! He's using you.

I will not let him ruin your education.

Brian.

So, that was weird today.