Cunk on Earth

Last time, in 29 informative yet accessible minutes, we saw how a

string of breakthroughs led humankind to build the modern world

and create a weapon powerful enough to turn it all to

white-hot, boiling shit.

But that was only part of the story.

The part after that starts now.

It's 1945.

The atomic bomb's just gone off.

The world lies in ruins.

Cloning of Hitler has already begun.

The future looked uncertain,

and it was getting closer every minute, like it always does.

But this was going to be a future unlike any the world

had seen before -

a future of moon men and rock stars,

big business and free love,

computers and the internet.

And a killer robot sent through time to kill Sarah Connor.

Although that bit was just in a film.

Modern civilisation had arrived, but a clash of worldviews meant

that the threat of all-out conflict was never far away.

Could new forms of mass communication help us all to

get along or totally not do that?

Should there be two social medias? You know, one for people who are

right, and one for people who are wrong?

I mean, I know a lot of people I'd put on the wrong one.

Wankers.

So join me now in the last part of human existence as I find out

how we got where I am now and where we'll be tomorrow,

which at the time of filming is Wednesday.

Whenever the future arrives, it'll happen here, on a fragile bauble

I've come to know as Earth.

But my hair looks fucking shit.

Russia, a vast land to the east.

It's the first time we've mentioned it in this series,

but it's been there all along.

At the start of the 20th century, Russia was a vast empire,

just like the Marvel Cinematic Universe is today.

The average Russian was a pheasant, but he dreamt of being a man,

preferably a wealthy one, because while the Russian pheasants

lived in poverty, the rich lived in St Petersburg.

The top Russian was called t'Sar Nicholas,

which is Russian for t'King Nicholas.

He was allowed to rule the country like a dictator,

which I've been advised to say isn't how Russia works today.

A world like this, where the masses toil for pennies

while a tiny elite grow rich, seems so obviously unfair and

unthinkable to us today.

We can scarcely imagine what it must have been like.

One man who thought it was ein load of scheisse

was German thinker Karl Marx.

It's hard to tell, but if you look closely at this photograph,

you might notice he had a beard.

Marx also had a vision which he wrote down in a book called

The Commonist Maninfesto.

Today, it's one of those books that boffins talk about but no-one

actually reads, like all books.

But back then it was a hit, particularly popular amongst the

18-to-35 anti-capitalist revolutionary demographic.

One Russian who read the book was the man currently starring

in this photograph, Vladimir Ilyich John Lennon.

Lennon imagined a world with no possessions.

I wonder if you can.

Nothing to kill or die for, a brotherhood of man.

And he chose to bring it about with a violent uprising.

In 1917, he got his chance.

Thanks to food shortages,

people started rioting for bread, like ducks do.

Lennon and his followers hacked into the Winter Palace and uploaded

a communist government.

Russia changed its name to Usser,

or sometimes Ccccccccpp!

What was the Soviet Onion?

Well, I think you're labouring under a misapprehension

and you probably mean the Soviet Union.

No, it's Onion. I saw it on a bit of paper earlier.

Well, it's probably been misspelt or you can't read very well,

but I think that you mean in historical terms the Soviet Union,

or the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.

Well, I don't want to be rude, but I think you're mansplaining a bit.

Can we stick to the topic of the Soviet Onion, please? OK.

What exactly was it?

If you don't know, it's OK to say. You know, I won't judge you.

Well, if you want to talk about, sort of,

Russian Soviet vegetables, we can.

I mean, it was a deeply agrarian country.

And so there were lots of onions, lots of potatoes,

lots of other things. Did they have turnips? I think so.

Cheap, easy to grow, hardy - great in a stew.

So how come you know so much about vegetables?

Have you got an allotment?

In 1924, Lennon left the band to concentrate on existing only

in an afterlife he didn't believe in.

Lennon's place was taken by Joseph Stalin, who presided

over a ruthless crackdown that killed, starved or exiled

millions of people.

Although, on the plus side, he had a friendly moustache.

Communism and capitalism are natural enemies, like men and women,

and cats and dogs.

But Russia and America had put aside their differences, thanks

to a mutual interest in winning the Second World War.

The end of WWII led to loads of celebrations in black-and-white

as people put years of conflict and misery behind them.

But behind these outdated-looking celebrations, trouble was brewing.

Now they'd run out of baddies to blow up or shoot,

East and West grew suspicious of each other.

It was the beginning of a whole new conflict -

World War Cold.

The Cold War is quite complicated, isn't it?

Should we definitely bother mentioning it in this,

or could we just give it a miss?

It defines most of the second half of the 20th century, so I think

you should probably include it.

Oh, right, OK.

As the Soviet Union expanded, the animosity between

East and West deepened.

The division was symbolised by the construction

of the Berlin Wall, a sort of divorce made of bricks.

There was a terrible atmosphere of mistrust, like I had with my ex

when I saw he had 28 missed calls from a contact he'd labelled

"Claudia Tits" on his phone.

He claims she was just a rep from Fitness First

and that that was her real name.

Well, I'm sorry, Sean.

I didn't buy it then, and I don't buy it now.

I hope your mum's well.

Soon there was so much paranoia between East and West,

they started spying on each other, stockpiled nuclear weapons

and fought a series of proxy wars.

So Russia and America had proxy wars where they'd use other countries

to fight with.

Is that a bit like picking a character to do your fighting

with in Street Fighter II?

Well, I think throughout human history, there's been a tendency to

try and use other forces, fighters from other lands

to help do the fighting. Right.

So exactly like Street Fighter, then.

If this was Street Fighter II

and the Americans chose the character Ken, would the Russians

pick Zangief because he's from the Soviet Union?

Or would they go for someone like Dhalsim?

Obviously he'd be a better choice because he can dive-kick

over Ken's fireballs.

Well, I don't know. I mean, you'd have to ask, I think President Putin

for the definitive answer on that.

I suppose they'd go for the ones that had the most chance

of beating Ken.

Meanwhile, East and West were also competing to be the first

to explore the stars.

The rivalry became known as the Space Race

because that rhymes, although probably not in Russian.

We don't know what they called it, and to be honest, we probably

should have found out before recording this bit.

The first launches were considered complete disasters

at the time, but we now know they make for soothing viewing

when cut to light jazz.

LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

Today, a new moon is in the sky, a 23-inch metal sphere placed

in orbit by a Russian rocket.

Finally, in 1957, the Russians became the first to pull off a

successful launch.

Why did the Russians launch Spunk into orbit?

Well, first of all, when you're looking at Russian words,

the name of the world's first satellite was Sputnik 1,

and the Russians launched... Is that Russian for "Spunk"?

No, it's Russian for "Traveller".

I suppose spunk in orbit would just sort of float

around in globules, like it does in a bath. Sorry.

Should I change the subject?

Hot on Sputnik's heels was this Soviet space dog,

known on Earth as Laika, who blasted into space in November 1957.

What happened to Laika?

I expect they gave her a bone and a rub on the tummy when she got back.

Well, Laika, unfortunately, never made it back to Earth

because shortly after launching, she overheated and she tragically

passed away just a few hours after being launched.

You're fucking joking!

I wish I was. No, this was... She was launched on

a flight that was pretty much one-way.

There's a dead dog in space?!

So there's a dead dog somewhere in the back of a frame of every film

shot in space, like Star Wars?

I wouldn't say... There are dead dogs in Star Wars?!

Uh... That is unacceptable!

Well, Laika's satellite eventually burned up in the Earth's atmosphere,

but this was well after she'd passed away.

As I say, it was just a few hours after launch

that she died, I think, of heat stress. Sorry, can we just

have a minute's silence for Laika?

OK.

SHE EXHALES

There's a dead dog in space.

Away from the Space Race, everyday Russians often had

hard lives, while Americans, in contrast,

appeared to enjoy a life of carefree luxury and hats.

Was the 1950s real?

Yes, it was certainly real. Are we sure?

Because it looks like it was made up when you see it.

It's all men in hats, and housewives smiling in kitchens.

Were those people real and was all that really happening?