A Million Ways to Die in the West

Some people are born into the wrong time and place.

This was the American frontier in 1882.

A hard land for hard folk.

Food was scarce,

disease was rampant,

and life was a daily struggle for survival.

Hell, this was Miss America in 1880.

Holy shit.

To build a home and a life in this harsh, unforgiving country

required that a man be bold, fearless, and tough as iron.

The men who were courageous and resilient

were the men who prospered.

But some men were just big, giant pussies.

Well, well.

Surprised you showed up, Stark.

Yeah, well, you said you would kill my family

and burn my house down if I didn't, so...

Draw.

Is there anything at all that I can say

to get you to call this off?

You yellow, Stark?

Oh, okay, well, that's a little racist to our hardworking friends

over here from the Far East, right, guys?

Draw, you son of a bitch!

Look, I just feel like if we can talk this out, you know,

we can find a calm, rational solution

and maybe we even laugh about it one day.

I ain't in the mood to laugh, Stark!

Look, there's always humor in any...

Oh, hey, look. This will make you laugh. Look at our shadows.

It looks like our shadows are about to kiss each other.

Look at that.

Oh, wait, watch this. Oh, my God, Charlie. Oh, my God.

Thank you! This is so generous of you.

Oh, wow! This is...

What a terrific guy you are.

We barely know each other, but, hey, when it's right, it's right, huh?

I'll give you a little tap on the hat when I'm good to go, okay?

Look, we're laughing, right? We're laughing now.

What were we even fighting about?

I can't remember. Can you?

Your goddamn sheep grazed up half my ranch, Stark.

That grass ain't never gonna grow back!

All right, look. How about this?

I'll pay you the money you lost, okay?

Just give me two days to sell off

a few of my sheep and I'll get you the money.

All right. Just two days.

If I don't have that cash, I'm coming after ya.

Okay, great. Thank you so much for your patience.

I really appreciate it.

And what a relief for all these people

who came out here hoping that we would

find an amicable solution to this, huh?

Aw, somebody shoot some fucker!

I took a half-day off work for this!

Okay, I just want to point out

that guy's an English teacher at our school.

Just a little taste.

I mean, that should have been the end of it, right?

I mean, I tell him I'll pay him off,

we go our separate ways, and that's it.

But, no, he shoots me in the fucking leg.

I mean, it's just a graze, but come on, look at that.

What?

You should have fought him.

I should have fought him?

You're serious.

Louise! My God! The guy is one of the best shots around.

I look like I have Parkinson's next to him. What is that?

It's just another way God mysteriously shows that He loves us.

But, look, it would have been suicide to fight that guy.

Albert, I'm breaking up with you.

What?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I got shot today.

I know.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a sec.

Louise, where is this coming from?

Is this because of the gunfight?

No, I've actually been feeling this way for a while.

You're a great guy. I just...

I realized that

I want something else.

Something else? Louise, it's been a year and a half!

Look, I know I'm just a sheep farmer, but I'm saving money...

Yeah, but you're not even a good sheep farmer, Albert.

Your sheep are everywhere.

The one thing a sheep farmer has to do

is keep all of his sheep in one place, all right.

I went to your farm the other day,

and I saw one in the backyard,

three way up on the ridge,

two in the pond, and one on the roof.

Okay, that's Bridget, all right?

She has a problem with retardation, but she's full of love.

Look, we're getting off track here, all right?

Why don't you just tell me what the problem is

and then maybe I can fix it?

Maybe if I were older,

the timing would be right.

But people are living to be 35 these days

and a girl doesn't have to just go off

and get married right away.

I just, I have to...

I have to work on myself.

Oh, my God.

You did not just say that. What?

"I have to work on myself."

Louise, that's the oldest line in the book.

You realize that.

You know what, it's okay, though.

It's all right. I know why you're saying it.

It's because you don't want to tell me that I'm the problem.

Goodbye, Albert.

Goodbye? Wait. Louise. Louise!

I love you.

I'm sorry.

Yeah! Oh, come on, come on!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

You like me fucking you, don't you?

I do. It's really terrific.

Yeah! Oh! Ah! Yeah! RUTH: Oh...

Ah...

Hi, Edward.

Hi, Millie.

You waiting for Ruth?

Yeah, I got off work early, so I thought I'd take her out for a picnic.

It sounds like she's just about done up there.

Shoot that dirty cowboy cum all over my face!

Do I look okay?

Yeah, you look good.

You look good. Oh, good.

Say, Edward, do you mind if I ask you something?

Uh, yeah, sure.

You're okay with your girlfriend screwing 15 different guys every day

and getting paid to do it?

Well, my job sucks, too.

I know. But, I mean, you repair shoes.

Eddie!

Oh, hi, sweetie.

What are you doing here?

Well, I got off work early

and I thought we could go for a walk by the stream.

Oh. Oh...

Oh, your breath is, uh...

Ooh! Ooh.

I had to give a blowjob. Sorry. Oh, that's okay.

It's okay. Here, I got you some flowers. (GASPS)

They're beautiful! Yeah, come on.

Don't I have the best boyfriend, Millie?

Honestly, I have no fucking idea.

Bye!

Oh, hey, Ruthie, Clyde Hodgkins wanted to come by a little later on.

What did he want?

I think he wants anal.

Oh, honey, we can afford to get you that new belt for church!

Oh, that would be great!

I know!

So, like, 5:30? Does that work?

Ah, that should work. Yeah.

Well, what time is his appointment?

Uh, it's really not like a dentist's office here, Edward.

You know, he'll just come by

when he feels like putting his penis inside an asshole.

Yeah, so we'll just say 5:30.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

You're late.

For what?

Fair enough.

Albert.

Hey, guys-

We heard about Louise.

That's horrible.

We're so sorry, Albert.

Do you want to sit down?

I'm good. I'm gonna rest my asshole.

I was just looking at these old pictures of me and Louise.

This is from the carnival.

Oh, yeah.

There's the town picnic.

Oh.

This is the square dance.

I almost wish you could smile in photographs.

Louise has such an amazing smile.

That'd be weird. Huh?

Have you ever smiled in a photograph?

No, have you? Oh, God, no.

No, you'd look like an insane person.

But, it's just, you know, I've been sitting here

trying to figure out how the hell

I could have screwed this up.

I did everything for her.

If she was happy, I was happy.

That's all I cared about.

And she was the one thing that made the shootings,

and the diseases, and the wild animals, and the Indians,

and the general depressing awfulness about the West

bearable. (SIGHS)