My Name Is Earl

Good morning, Earl.

Good morning, Randy.

You know what team I've always wanted to join?

The debate team.

- No, you haven't. - Yes, I have.

No offense, but I don't think you'd be very good at that.

Yes, I would.

I think debating

is more than just saying the opposite of what the other person says.

No, it isn't.

- Yes, it is. - No, it isn't.

This is stupid. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I win.

My Name Is Earl 4x10 - Earl And Joy's Anniversary -

There were a few things on my list that I'd actually done to the Crab Shack.

One of them people had gotten used to working around.

Beer coming.

But it was still something I wanted to fix.

I'm fixing the dent, Darnell.

That's good to hear.

I tried to build a ramp over it with disastrous results.

Why would you slide it to me?

Who slides wine?

There was a reason why I was fixing this today.

'Cause it was the anniversary of the day I dented it,

which was also the anniversary of the day I married Joy.

Joy's situation forced her to be a new wife and mother all at once.

Damn it, baby!

You keep kicking my kidney, and I'm gonna hold my breath again!

All right, you asked for it.

- What's your name again? - Joy.

You got a baby in there?

That my brother's baby?

It is now.

Mrs. Hickey,

I believe you requested I steal one of these?

Oh, Earl, you did it!

I knew we were meant for each other

the first time I met you the other night.

Where'd you get it?

You walk into a bakery wearing a hairnet,

you can walk out with pretty much anything you want.

Randy? I got you a bag of sprinkles.

Shut up!

It's going in the freezer.

If you eat it on the one year anniversary,

you'll have good luck.

Saw it on Oprah.

She don't know much about marriage, but she sure knows something about cake.

That first year didn't go the way Joy had hoped.

And a few days before our anniversary, she hit rock bottom.

Our belly button fuzz balls are about the same size.

How do we pick a winner?

That's it.

I can't wait to eat that cake. I need my luck now.

Is that skin or a piece of Frosted Flake in yours?

- Skin. - What the hell?

Somebody switched my cake with a pile of dog turds.

Either one of you know anything about this?

Actually, they're cat turds.

But I don't know anything about it.

A couple days after I stole that cake,

me and Randy had a drinking contest at the Crab Shack.

I never made it home,

but unfortunately for Joy, Randy did.

Here comes the stomach...

Don't think I don't hear you out there, Sasquatch!

You better not be getting into my food in the fridge!

I hate you, too, you bitchy old screech owl.

Randy knew he couldn't just put empty foil back in the freezer,

and that's when he realized he could have the best of both worlds:

eat Joy's cake and feed her poo.

You think this is funny?

Why are you getting so mad over a little thing like this?

So, my brother replaced our wedding cake with cat poo.

I'm sure it happens in a lot of marriages.

It's not a little thing. That cake was a symbol.

Of what?

I don't know. Something!

Like, that you cared about me.

And then dummy ruins it, and you just sit there and laugh.

That means something, too.

I'm really sorry I made Joy mad at you, Earl.

If you need a place to sleep tonight, my couch is your couch.

Your couch is my couch, Randy.

So, we agree.

Randy felt guilty for days.

So, on our actual anniversary,

he did something to put an end to it.

"Dear Earl and Joy,

"I'm sorry for eating your cake

"so I'm going to kill myself

"at the Crab Shack at 3:00.

"I'll probably shoot myself in the face.

"Stay cool. Love, Randy."

Surprise!

Happy Anniversary!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Randy, did you do all this?

Are you kidding me? Earl's been planning this for weeks.

Why do you think he's been such a jerk lately?

He was setting you up for this.

You did this?

I did this.

Me.

Thanks, Earl. I really needed a lift right now.

I thought I might get it from Randy killing himself,

but this is even better.

Thanks, Randy.

You made life better for both of us.

You're welcome, Earl.

I felt bad. When this marriage ends,

I want it to be because you and Joy hate each other,

not because of me.

It's been fun chatting.

You want to get out and go have sex? 'Cause I do. Real bad.

No, Donny.

Quit staring at me with your crazy eyes.

I'll put a bag over my head like you made me do last time we banged.

The reason you got lucky that night

was 'cause I had cramps, and sometimes that helps,

And no hard feelings,

but when you're naked, you look like you got kneecaps everywhere.

Oh, my God.

Mr. Stevens!

I haven't seen you since Missy's wedding.

What's that, like, five years ago?

Seven.

And aside from my daughter, you were the most beautiful girl there.

You are so sweet.

You didn't tell anybody that we slept together that night?

Hell, no. I wasn't in a rush to tell my friends

about humping someone's red-faced, baldheaded, out-of-breath dad

in the back of a catering truck.

I'll tell Missy you said hi.

Looking good, Joy.

Pickup's out back, Joy.

- Long time, sweet cheeks. - Shake that thing!

Hey, babe!

Who exactly did you invite to this party?

Randy was more in charge of the guest list.

Who'd we invite?

People me and you know. Plus all of Joy's friends.

From her address book.

"Guys I've phoned."

Randy, it says "Guys I've boned."

That's a "B"?

- I thought it was an "F." - How could you let this happen?

I didn't.

I didn't have anything to do with this stupid party.

Wait. Yes, I did. I did everything.

No, I did nothing!

What are you more mad about?

You didn't throw this party. Dummy did.

I know. I'm a terrible husband who never...

You're no prize, either.

What kind of wife keeps an address book full of guys she banged?

The kind of wife that wants to keep her options open for the future.

What? You think you're going to find someone better than me?

Go for it, baby. But keep in mind, this is Camden.

I own my own car.

I almost graduated high school,

and I have a huge collection of cassette tapes.

So, good luck to you.

Back then, Mr. Turtle was still young and need to take walks,

and since Darnell hadn't met Joy yet,

he had plenty of free time.

But that day, thanks to some hateful bees,

their leisurely walk turned into a run for cover.

And Darnell wasn't the only new Camdenite

that the bees decided to pester.

Quick! In here!

I just got to this country, and already I'm invited into someone's house.

You must be rich. You have a phone.

This is Phil.

He does mortgages down at the bank.

You know, 30-year balloon loans.

Has a gold pinky ring, white shoes, brand name socks.

I know Phil.

We went high school together. How's it going, buddy?

Oh, God!

How did I not notice that when we slept together?

No wonder he didn't want to cuddle.

All the ladies in the house say, "Ho!"

And that's right about when the fun ended for me.

Blake was my cousin,

and I'd hated him since we were kids.

It all started when our moms took us to audition

for a local backpack catalog.

I knew I could make the Little Explorer look good,

but I just couldn't keep my eyes open.

From that day on, I've never measured up to cousin Blake.

Cousin Blake?

That's right, Earl.

Blake's here 'cause he's in my book.

For a while there, I didn't think Joy could do better than me,

and now I knew she could.

You want to know what she wrote next to his name?

Absolutely not.

Gimungo!