American Dad!

babybello, jesslataree

synchro : mpm

Jackson and I will be in the executive dining room.

We are not to be disturbed.

Come on, Number one.

Must be nice being the boss's pet.

I hear the executive dining room is amazing.

They say the Caesar salad is tossed at your table by emperor penguins.

That's obviously true.

I've been here 10 years and I haven't had lunch with Bullock once.

Unless you count that time I was eating my sandwich on the can

and he came in to wash his hands.

I count that.

I came up with a great nickname for Jackson today.

Jackson Brown-nose.

It's a little dated but I think people will get it.

I hope so.

I know you're stressed.

But our Valentine's Day getaway is just around the corner.

I can't wait to be alone with you at Lake Frasure.

Me too.

The bed in our cabin has a solid oak headboard.

We're not leaving that lake until you get a concussion.

Staniel...

I guess one of us should wonder who that could be at this hour.

- You want to do it? - No, you've already started.

Smith, I need you to come with me.

I'm going on a dangerous mission

and I need my number one man.

Number one?

- I thought Jackson was... - Not anymore.

He refused to stand in line to get me opera tickets

because he had to go to some... I don't know,

something to do with his son's bone marrow.

So, I've decided to make you number one.

Me?

Wait, you're taking Avery Junior on a dangerous mission?

I have no choice.

His night nurse quit when she found the doll

I made out of her drain hair.

Perhaps you could babysit, Francine.

- Me? - That's a great idea.

You're adopted, the baby's adopted. You have so much to talk about.

Sad stuff.

Francine, did you hear what he said? I'm his new number one.

This is a huge deal.

I feel like the sun is shining on me for the first time in my life.

Like a baby flower

or a pale goblin-like creature

awaken from its subterranean slumber by mining activities.

Fine. I'll watch A.J. tonight.

He just cries like that when he needs to be fed.

And burped, and changed, and held, and exercised,

and bathed, and oiled, and rocked to sleep to Hindi lullabies.

I can't sing in Hindi, I can barely read it.

Just tell him about your day. That always puts me to sleep.

Look!

My new cristal arachnid of the month arrived.

Miss February is the Latrodectus.

AKA, the Black Widow.

I've named her Courtney Love

because she killed her husband, she's full of toxins and...

What is that?

What is that noise? What is that?

A.J. Bullock. I'm babysitting.

Look, I don't have time for you right now, I'm busy.

Busy? I was here first.

I'm the baby.

I'm the drunk baby.

Helping you pick up girls?

That's our dangerous mission?

It is, tonight, number one.

Now, keep your eyes out for the rare Eastern birds.

The plump Asian skank.

Unfortunately, everyone here is tall and gorgeous.

True. I guess I'll just have to settle for some tight white meat.

Excuse me. Are you from Tennessee?

'Cause you're the only ten I see.

Other than this one which is yours to earn.

Maybe we should try someplace else.

I've been so lonely since my poor wife was taken hostage in Fallujah.

- But why not go get her? - I will not negotiate with terrorists.

I can only imagine the monstruous things

those Sunni insurgents are doing to my poor sweet Miriam.

I'm afraid she's doomed to die alone.

As am I.

And that fat dude in the cape.

You're not alone, sir. You have A.J.

I love the boy, but I'm afraid he's part of the problem.

Whenever I do manage to find a girl willing to overlook my age,

they bolt at the sight of the baby.

The whole cradle to grave thing in one look really freaks women out.

Besides, every time I look at A.J.,

I am reminded that he has no mother and I have no mate.

Without a woman in our lives,

A.J. and I will never truly be a family.

That's terrible, sir. Is there anything I can do to help?

Actually, just having someone to talk to gives me enormous comfort.

I'm happy to do it, sir.

I'm a squirrel and I feel great...

I've been up with that baby five nights in a row.

If I have to sit through one more Carson Daily...

I get it! You're friends with Dave Navarro!

What now? Klaus!

He bumped into the coffee table. I looked away for two seconds!

I can't find my dinosaur stickers.

You have to look for them yourself.

A.J. has a boo-boo.

I have a boo-boo too.

You did that on purpose.

Roger, what the hell!

Isn't it obvious? Sibling rivalry.

Roger's jealous of the new baby in the house, so he's acting out.

What makes you such an expert?

- Your mama. - Well played.

There's my little peeshe.

Did you sleep well?

He didn't sleep at all.

He's not a football, Avery.

You can't keep passing him off to me every night

and picking him up in the morning.

It's not good for him.

You're right.

It would be easier for all of us if I left him here during the day too.

Cheerio, Junior!

Back skate.

Stan, how can you let him do this to me?

I'm not his permanent babysitter.

- You need to say no to your boss. - I can't.

Number ones don't say no.

Besides, it's just until I can find a woman for Avery.

That could take forever.

The guy's a weirdo.

No woman's gonna be interested in him.

That's not true, he had a wife.

That's it. His wife!

Sometimes, the best solution is the easiest.

Bullock's wife is being held by a vicious gang of Islamic terrorists.

I won't lie to you men.

My most optimistic projections for this mission

predict that everyone but me and that guy will die.

You'll live, but...

you will not live well.

We jump in 14 hours.

I bet a frozen yogurt place would do great out here.

I can't believe Stan rescued my wife.

Yeah, and A.J.'s going home with his new mommy.

Now I can practice exclamations for when Stan and I get to the lake.

I think I'll go with...

Would you like at that?

That's her. How do I look?

Hey, you.

- Where is she? - She's in the back, but...

Well, there's kind of a thing.

I don't care! She's my dry little raisin scone.

Nothing can change my feelings for her.

Miriam!

Die, American infidel!

What the hell happened to her?

Well, after three years in captivity, she...

She kind of went Shiah.

- Brainwashed. - And conditioned.

I shouldn't be doing shtick, your wife is crazy.

They turned her into a terrorist.

That rabid jackal is not my wife.

I never want to see her again.

Now we're stuck with his baby and his wife!

You're taking the baby for the first time in 5 days.

Like that's really gonna make...

Did you just poop?

Oh, no, that's her.

Smith here?

I'm at my limit.

I'm juggling a colicky toddler,

a vassar alum who thinks she's a Sunni freedom fighter,

and an alien who's acting like a jealous 4 year old!

Four and a half.

Allah is great!

She keeps using ketchup packets as foot grenades.

It's probably jet lag.

A.J. and Miriam are Bullock's family.

- He has to take them back. - He will.

Just as soon as Miriam gets back to her old self.

Our Valentine's Day getaway is in two days.

You have to say no to Bullock. Now!

How is it going number 1?

Sir, your family's been staying with us for what seems like forever...

How would you like to join me for lunch in the executive dining room?

Hello, Jackson.

You look terrible.

Jackson, forget him, he's a jerk.

I did everything right!

Francine, I had the most kickass lunch. It kicked ass!

What's going on? Did you talk to Bullock?

You didn't, did you?

Dammit, Stan!

I'm sick of taking care of this... A.J.?

- Where is A.J.? - This was taped to the refrigerator.

"I've taken your baby hostage.

"U.S. out of Middle East!"