Glee

So, Here is what you missed on Glee: Quinn's got a new look,

and a new crowd of Skanks. Kurt got Blaine to join

the New Directions, which is good, because Santana got

kicked out, and Sugar Motta wasn't good enough to get in. Who cares what you think?

McKinley's doing West Side Story, and Kurt and Rachel

need the leads so they can get into NYADA.

Sue's using her run for Congress

to come after the arts. Believe it or not,

still not a big fan of the Glee Club.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

I really like your outfit.

And I think you're, like, fabulous,

and I just love everything that you do.

Why, thank you, Brit.

Okay, I really want to run your campaign for president.

Out of all the kids at the school, I think that you

are the biggest unicorn. I'm sorry?

Well, when a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn,

and he, he becomes a unicorn, and he poops out cotton candy,

until he forgets he's magical.

And then his horn falls off.

And black unicorns, they becomes zebras.

Oh, that's... that's a terrifying story.

No, it's not.

No, okay. No.

The point is, is that...

a unicorn is sebody who knows they're magical,

and isn't afraid to show it.

You went through hell last year,

and you never forgot how special you were.

And I've slept with a lot of people, and am really popular,

so I think I could get you mega votes.

Then why don't you just run?

I'm not smart enough.

What's the capital of Ohio?

Brittany. O.

What?

Do you even know who the president is?

Will. i.am.

Well, Brit, I have to say that I'm, I'm flattered.

And really excited.

Cool. Okay, I'll come over after school,

and we'll work on your campaign posters.

I got a lot of great ideas.

Great. Great, uh... I'll see you then.

Sweet.

All right, New Directions!

Big news. As you all know,

Vocal Adrenaline came in second last year at Nationals.

The only good thing to come out of that lost weekend.

Besides us getting back together.

Well, the boosters at Carmel

don't donate tens of thousands of dollars

every year to come in second.

So they fired Dustin Goolsby- So handsome.

and they're having trouble finding a new coach.

Seems that no one wants to take on that pressure cooker.

That means they're vulnerable.

Yes. And if we work hard enough, we can beat them.

Which is why I've realized that, um...

I can't direct the musical this year.

But, Mr. Shue, you can't cancel the musical.

My New York dreams depend on it.

I'm not cancelling it, I'm just not directing it.

My sole focus has to be in here.

Nationals, Nationals, Nationals.

And it's not just me that's going to have to

focus harder this year. I've been too easy on you.

So every day after choir practice

I'm instituting a mandatory "Booty Camp,"

so that we can work on our dancing.

Now, it's not for all of you- just the people that

I think need help. Like...

Finn. How did you know?

And Puckerman, Hummel. I must protest.

You kind of have one move, Kurt. It's like this...

sashay, and it's super distracting.

Jones. What?

Hell to the nizzy-no. You told me once you were Beyonce.

You don't think she spends extra time in the dance studio?

Mike Chang has offered to be my assistant.

And we start tomorrow and yes, Puckerman, it is mandatory.

Mr. Schuester, would you mind if I dropped by for a little bit?

I really need to catch up with you guys. Okay, Mr. Shue, I'm glad

that you're so concerned with our special needs members,

but what about me? Okay? Who's going to direct the musical?

Ladies and gentleman- your co-musical directors,

Ms. Pillsbury and Coach Beiste.

Now, Ms. Pillsbury did such a good job helping me out

with Rocky Horror last year that

I knew she could handle the job.

And I'm here to keep the football guys in line.

I've also talked them into playing the "Jets. "

Mr. Shue, with all due respect to Ms. Pillsbury

and Coach Beiste, this is crazy. They have absolutely

zero experience in directing a musical. Not true.

In college, I was in A Funny Thing Happened

on the Way to the Forum. I played the Forum.

The teachers at this school

are already overworked and

unfortunately a lot of them agree with Sue that

the arts are a waste of time.

Besides, they are going to have some help.

I've decided to include a student director this year.

Mr. Shue, I'm honored, but Barbra was 40

when she directed herself in Yentl, so it's just,

it's too soon. I hate you.

I was actually hoping that Artie would take the job.

Me?

I've developed my whole persona around conflict avoidance.

Come on, Artie, you've made short films,

directing is your dream. You can do it.

I'm in.

All right.

You still make a mean cup of coffee?

Shelby.

What are you- what are you doing here?

It's the teachers' lounge, isn't it?

It's where all the teachers hang out.

Yeah...

I'm a teacher here now.

Well, part-time.

You ever hear of this guy named Al Motta?

Mr. Motta, just so I'm clear,

in exchange for this very generous donation

all I have to do is hire Ms. Corcoran to start a second

show choir at McKinley which features your daughter?

For which I will cover any and all expenses.

My Sugar's a Super Nova, Figgy.

You have a deal. Mrs. Denny-Brown!

Mr. Motta has just ended our toilet paper shortage

with this enormous check!

Wipe away!

They actually sent a headhunter to track me down in New York.

Apparently I am the best show choir director money can buy.

Don't worry, I'm not going to poach any of your kids.

I'm less worried about that than about the fact that

you being here is going to be really hard on Rachel.

I appreciate that.

I plan on reaching out to her.

What about Puck and Quinn?

Lima's where I made a series of mistakes

that defined me for 16 years.

Lima's where I... I have to make things right again.

I know that seems impossible, but I have to try.

Okay.

I will take you at your word.

But as for your little Glee Club...

...the more arts at this school the better.

So, may the best Glee Club win.

We will.

Give us your lunch money.

We're hungry. We need something to barf back up.

Don't test me.

I was a foster kid, which means I'm used to stabbing people.

You're so mean...

That's right. It's what passed for love in my house.

Skanks, I've got to talk to that lady alone.

First of all, smoking kills.

Second, it really does make you look cooler, doesn't it?

Sorry, Coach,

but you have no power over me anymore,

'cause I've got nothing left to lose.

Oh, Q, I look at you and I'm stunned.

You've never looked worse.

You've lost your child, your boyfriend, your rep,

and worse, your high pony. You know who I blame?

The Glee Club.

You know, when you were in my grasp,

you were at the top of the pyramid.

But then you joined the Glee Club, and became lost,

forced to sway in the background.

Will Schuester never did appreciate the gentle tremble

of your thin, forgettable alto.

Thanks.

What if I were to offer you the chance

to get revenge on the Glee Club and become a star?

My Congressional campaign is producing a video:

a day in the life of a girl from whom the arts stole everything.

And I think I've found my girl.

First, a few demands.

I need thrift store couches under the bleachers.

I've realized that after smoking all day,

it hurts to stand.

Fair enough.

Quinn Fabray, you have a deal.

Okay. We're going to make 100,000 copies

of each poster. And then...

We'll ve each student a swag bag full of this:

We're going to call it "Kurt Hummel's Bulging Pink Fun Sack. "

Well, I... you know, I don't know what to say.

That happens to me all the time.

My lips move, but only dust comes out.

You know, I appreciate the enthusiasm.

But... you know, it's just all wrong.

I think it's just, you know, a tad too...

Unicorn? Gay.

I feel like I might as well have a big

neon sign above my head that says, you know,

"GAY-DIDDY-GAY, GAY GAY-GAY-GAY!" I mean, you'll need a long extension cord,