Desperate Housewives

Previously on...

Dave!

Is that the bathroom?

No. I think that's it there.

Oh, okay. Thanks.

Dave tried to eliminate a witness to murder.

Hey! Uhh!

But Jackson survived...

I bought M.J. a fishing pole.

We're not gonna be able to make it this weekend.

I'm kind of getting married. - What?

I thought I heard you out here. - Jackson.

Forcing him to change his plans.

I'm a middle-aged guy...

Tom was searching.

And I don't know what I wanna do with my life.

We're rich again! Hallelujah!

Gaby's life returned to normal.

We're gonna be us again-- the old Carlos and Gaby.

I'm gonna make sure that you walk away from this marriage

With your assets intact. Now to accomplish this...

And Bree agreed to protect what she felt was hers.

I'm capable of doing whatever needs to be done.

The lawyer arrived just after sundown.

He checked to make sure no one was watching,

then he hurried to the front door...

where his client was waiting.

As she poured him the scotch he requested,

the client began to wonder

exactly how he planned to hide her assets

from the husband she was divorcing.

The lawyer suggested some creative accounting.

His client agreed.

He suggest a secret bank account.

She agreed.

He suggested a second set of books.

She agreed.

And then the lawyer looked deep into his client's eyes

and made one final suggestion...

that she was completely unprepared for.

You want me to rob my own house?!

Not exactly. I was thinking we'd hire my friend Tony to do it.

Absolutely not.

I am all up for a little creative accounting

and some secret bank accounts,

but hiring some thug to stage a break-in?

It's a community property state, babe.

Orson's going to get half of everything,

including your jewelry, your artwork, your antiques.

Wouldn't it be easier to just have him killed?

As your lawyer, I can't condone that.

That said, I have a cousin-- - I was kidding!

So was I. Loosen up, freckles.

Well, I just never know with you.

And don't call me "freckles."

Look, if you're not comfortable with Tony,

why don't we do the job ourselves?

I bet you'd look hot in a ski mask.

You are repugnant, and this conversation is over.

Fine, but since I'm charging you for the full hour,

let me make it worth your while. Sit down and close your eyes.

What? No!

Just humor me. Come on.

Now I want you to picture Orson after the divorce.

He owns half of your business, half of your assets.

You see it?

Go on.

Now I want you to picture Orson dating some young bimbo.

And don't kid yourself.

He will get a bimbo.

Now picture your favorite strand of pearls

dangling in the 24-year-old cleavage of said bimbo

while she is using

your first edition Robert Frost as a coaster...

And your 19th century french crystal vase

as an ashtray.

If you can live with that...

I will leave.

And with that,

The client offered a suggestion of her own...

We should probably break a window

to make it look more real.

And the lawyer agreed.

Masks--

you can find them in any home.

Some are used once a year to scare the neighbors...

Some are needed for the occasional chore.

Some are applied every other Thursday.

Then there's the kind of mask

some men wear every day.

It's a friendly smile

designed to hide the most wicked of intentions.

Hey, M.J., is your mom home?

She's inside talking to Jackson.

Really?

So... what do you think of Jackson?

I like him. He buys me comic books.

Yeah, he's a good guy.

He was very brave that night

during that fire at the nightclub.

Does he ever talk about that fire...

or anybody he saw that night?

Have the police stopped by to ask him any questions?

If they do, would you let me know?

Why?

Well...

I wanna make sure they're being nice to our friend Jackson,

'cause he's such a good guy.

It is such a stunning piece.

It's simple and elegant. Don't you think?

I mean, I know it was expensive,

but you can't put a price tag on beauty. Am I right?

So when daddy finds out how much I spent,

would it be okay if I used you as a human shield?

You know, I should really get you tested.

Mom?

Hey! Did you have a fun playdate with Heather?

She's got a canopy bed. I want one.

We just bought you a bed. It's not even a year old.

I don't like it anymore. I wanna sleep under a canopy.

Then go move in with Heather, 'cause I'm not getting you one.

Why not? We're rich.

Who told you that? - I heard you telling Aunt Bree,

since daddy got his new job, we're rolling in money.

Well, mommy shouldn't have said that.

Just, when Aunt Bree started bragging about her Prada bag,

mommy kind of lost it.

Whatever.

I want a canopy, and you gotta get me one.

I don't have to get you anything.

And stop acting like a spoiled brat.

I am not spending a fortune on a bed you don't need.

Oh, but you can spend millions of dollars on a stupid vase?

That vase is not stupid.

Is that vase stupid?

Okay, you know what? This conversation is over.

Go to your room!

You, too, bobblehead.

Okay, my clothes are in the closet.

I'm going to put my toothbrush in the bathroom.

Oh, just leave the toilet seat up,

and the immigration people will totally think we're married.

Yeah, I don't know how I'm gonna thank you for doing this.

Actually, I did think of one way you could repay me.

Mmm. You got it.

Uh, no. not like that.

No, I was thinking that after our quickie courthouse ceremony,

you could buy me a cake.

I love wedding cake.

It's the one part of marriage that never lets you down.

Well, I can do you better than that.

How out I throw us a big engagement party?

What?

Well, we're not having a wedding,

and we're gonna need pictures of something

to put in our photo album as evidence.

Okay. Yeah, I guess that could be fun.

While our friends are toasting to our everlasting happiness,

we can yell, "surprise! It's all a sham!

Thanks for the crock-pot!"

No, no, no. We can't tell anybody this is a fake.

The whole thing could blow up. - Can't I at least tell the girls?

No way. I mean, they don't call her "gabby" for nothing.

Wow.

Ah, fake marriages-- they're complicated.

I-I-I know I'm asking a lot, Susan.

No, no. It's okay. I wanna do this.

Truth is...

I miss you,

and the house has been kinda lonely since you left.

Well, I hear you loud and clear.

Not that lonely.

What are you doing? - Thinking.

Well, think inside. I made pork chops.

Aren't you gonna ask me about my job interview?

Oh, right. How'd that go?

Okay... until the 30-year-old who was interviewing me asked me

if I'd ever used twittering as part of a marketing campaign.

And what'd you say?

Nothing...

Because I don't know what "twittering" is.

It's a social networking tool where you send instant updates

to anybody who signs up for them.

So... you knew about this, and yet you kept it from me?

I didn't keep it from you.

It's just one of those tech things

that you don't care about.

It's for young people.

And I am a dinosaur marching into the tar pit.

I didn't say that.

You're not gonna get a whole lot of sympathy from me.

I just went through the same thing. Remember?

Yeah, but you didn't tell me how bad it was.

That's another thing you kept from me.

50 guys showed up for that one job,

and I was 10 years older than every single one of 'em.

I could hear 'em twittering as I left the room.

I think you mean "tittering."

Sorry. Please, don't hit me.

I heard a door slam shut today, Lynette.